Carnival Frenzy
by The Infamous Man
Summary: The stories Fate:Zero Sense and Fate:Stay Away are ones of comedy, drama and character development. All brought upon by the simple change of having all the Servants but Saber being a part of modern media. However, let us forget the latter two and let the characters have fun! Join this carnival and leave all seriousness at the door!
1. The Fourth Seihai Grand Prix

**I do not own the Fate series or any of the series' used here. **

Xcution Ramen Bar was a fairly simple bar. It held numerous tables where the patrons could just sit and wait for their order to come to them or drink. The entire place was lit only by a few lamps, giving the bar a 'laid back' feeling. In the back was the bar stand where one Uzumaki Naruto stood, wiping a shot glass with a small napkin. He wore white sneakers, black pants along with a white t-shirt and a white fur collared black jacket. Around his neck was a green cross-shaped necklace.

Naruto glanced at the two customers that were sitting on the bar stools, sipping their drinks. Xcution Ramen Bar has had its fair share of weird customers, but these two took the cake. The first one had introduced himself as 'Cole MacGrath' before ordering a beer while the other one had called himself 'Lelouch Lamperouge' and proceeded to order a soda.

And here Naruto had thought he would have been done with this weird crap ever since destroying Akatsuki and Konoha…

Suddenly the phone for the bar rang. Naruto picked up the receiver before saying, "Hey, this is Xcution…"

_"Hello Naruto." _A mysterious, electronic sounding voice said, making Naruto narrow his eyes. _"It's time for the carnival to start." _

"Carnival?" Naruto repeated before information hit his mind like a freight-train. He barely had time to comprehend all of it. He was a fictional character in some person's fanfiction, and said author was making Xcution Bar the nexus for this 'carnival'. Naruto decided to have his existential breakdown later, preferably when no one would be around to see him cry.

_**Carnival **_

"Good thing he called you. Saves us the trouble about having to explain this crap to you." Cole said before taking another sip of his beer. "Can't believe that we have to host this shit…"

"Why do we even need to host it?" Naruto demanded before Lelouch let out a small, amused chuckle.

"Why, TIM's fanfics not concerning Naruto have become extremely popular." Lelouch informed him before closing his eyes. "As such, we are to host this carnival. It will bring characters together that would never meet otherwise, like us for instance. It could be funny…"

_**Funny **_

"Or it could be simply horror…"

_**Horror **_

"Okay seriously, stop with the cryptic crap." Cole growled before setting down his bottle. "Whether we like it or not, we have to host this thing."

"That's just what I was about to say." Lelouch informed Cole while narrowing his eyes.

Naruto sighed. Well, if he was going to be stuck with this then he might as well go along with it. The blonde then turned to the 'screen', grinned at the 'audience' and shouted, "It's starting!"

_**The Infamous Man Presents…**_

_**Carnival Frenzy**_

The Holy Grail War. A bloody conflict that has been going on for ages. Seven Magi would gather at the location of Fuyuki City and summon seven legendary heroes to fight for them. The Servants themselves are listed by their classes: Saber, Lancer, Archer, Rider, Berserker, Assassin, and Caster. The one Servant and Master remaining shall receive the Holy Grail, an ancient and powerful object with the power to grant any wish, as the prize. And now, chaos shall reign in Fuyuki Ci-

"Welcome everybody to Fuyuki City's Fourth Annual Seihai Grand Prix!"

Wait, what?

"The rules of the Holy Grail War have been changed folks! You will now compete for the Holy Grail in this highly televised race!" A young brown-haired girl in a blue sweatshirt with red stripes, black gym shorts and red sneakers shouted while holding a microphone in her right hand while waving with her left. "We'll be your hosts: Fujimura Taiga…!"

"…And Kotomine Risei. Welcome!" An old man with long, grey hair and closed eyes wearing a priest robe said while smiling at the camera.

"Let's see how our competitors are doing!" Taiga shouted before pointing at the small crowd of Masters and Servants.

"A race? Honestly, do they wish to disgrace the Holy Grail War by making it this showy?" Saber asked with a scowl, wearing her black suit while standing beside Kiritsugu.

"At least no one will have to die this way, right Kiritsugu?" Irisviel asked Kiritsugu, who just nodded in response.

After all, it wasn't like she could see the crossed fingers behind his back.

"I wish you luck in this competition, Kiritsugu." Maiya spoke before hugging Kiritsugu's right arm.

"Could you please let go of my husband, Maiya?" Irisviel asked in an overly sweet tone, however, Saber shrunk back at the almost-visible image of a shrieking hawk appearing behind her.

"Make me." Maiya replied in her usual emotionless tone, an almost visible image of an angry bear appeared behind her in turn. Saber could almost swear she saw sparks of lighting coming from their eyes. What she did actually see was how Irisviel slowly reached into her coat for her wires while Maiya began to draw her gun.

Kiritsugu was silent throughout the whole exchange. He knew he would live longer if he didn't get involved.

"Hm, to think that the Holy Grail War would be degraded into nothing more than a race." Tokiomi muttered while sipping a glass of wine. "It's pathetic."

"I wouldn't say that, Master." Archer said happily with closed eyes and a goofy smile on his face. "No one will have to die now!"

"But it makes no sense!" Tokiomi shouted in anger before noticing everyone was staring at his uncharacteristic outburst. He composed himself before continuing with his explanation, "Six Servants have to die in order for the Holy Grail War to be brought into this world. So why would the war be solved with a _race_ of all things?"

"Because TIM decided to make this a parody series of course!" Assassin shouted, a grin forming under his mask. "The rules of the Nasuverse mean jack shit here!"

"That and he wants to do his interpretation of the race in Carnival Phantasm using us." Kirei agreed with a nod of his head. "And he wants to do a story centered around comedy rather than making it a dramedy for once."

Some of the other participants were decidedly less amused about this.

"God damn it!" Berserker shouted while stomping on the ground, which caused small craters to form on impact. "How can I get a good fight in a damn race!? This is fucking bullshit!"

Kariya ignored him and instead looked at the audience, managing to spot Sakura and shouting, "Don't worry Sakura-chan! I'm winning this for you!"

Sakura just stared at him blankly before giving him a thumbs up. However, in Kariya's sleep-deprived, _slightly_ damaged brain this arrived as Sakura smiling brightly with sparkles forming around her and saying in a cutesy voice, _**"Mou, Stay safe Kariya-tousan! You're my hero!"**_

"I know Sakura-chan~!" Kariya sung out with a bright smile on his face while Berserker looked at him weirdly.

"I did not participate in the Holy Grail to be in a barbaric race!" Kayneth yelled out while Lancer looked down at the ground and Sola-Ui just glared at him.

"We will win this with Lancer, Kayneth!" Sola-Ui shouted before hugging Lancer, making sure that her chest rubbed Lancer's face. "Won't you win this for me Lancer?" She only got muffled responses due to his face still being held tightly to her chest. "Of course you will!"

Others were amused, but for entirely different reasons.

"Oh man, this is going to be so cool!" Uryuu shouted while pumping his fists into the air. "So many people are going to die during the crashes! We'll see them catch on fire, squished, and…!"

"_Mangekyo Sharingan_." Caster said simply before looking Uryuu in the eyes. Uryuu stood still for two seconds before giving a wide grin. The psychopath then quickly took out a small black cap and put it on his head before slouching a bit.

"Yo, let me tell ya Silent Caster." Uryuu said while placing his hand on Caster's shoulder. "After we win this thing, we're totally going to get the pussy. I'm going to fuck this bitch and I'm going to fuck that bitch…"

Caster tuned out his Master's ramblings and sighed. At least by changing Uryuu's personality with his Noble Phantasm he wouldn't have to deal with his Master's murderous tendencies for a while. The unfortunate part was that the personality change was _always_ random, and not even Caster could control what his Master changed into. At least he wasn't acting like a certain blond he knew…

"_That's not very nice, bastard! You shouldn't treat your Master like that!"_

With a look of pure horror Caster turned around when he heard this most unpleasantly familiar voice. There was just _no_ way that…

But it was. Well, kind of. In front of him floated a small ghost that had without a doubt the face of his 'former best friend'. And it had an incredibly smug look on its face.

"'_Sup Sasuke-teme? I'm haunting you!"_

Caster then proceeded to facepalm with both his hands. If one had been close enough they would have heard a silent sob escape him. The Servant would have asked what he had done to deserve this if he didn't already know the answer to that question.

Moving on…

"Come on Waver, this is going to be awesome!" Rider shouted as he dragged Waver by his legs to the stadium. "The war becoming a race just makes it even _more _manly!"

"B-but Rider! I don't know how to drive!" Waver cried out as he kept clawing at the ground, only to fail miserably.

"Looks like I'm going to have to make you read my Guide to Manliness again!" Rider shouted before dropping Waver on the ground. "Tonight you are going to read chapters 100-121 and the homework will be to kill at least three grizzly bears with only a kitchen knife!"

The chatter of the participants continued until the loudspeakers came to life again. "Competitors! Your vehicles will be chosen by a lottery!" Taiga's voice shouted before Maiya and Irisviel, wearing matching red mini-skirts and small tight shirts, walked forward with a box that had a small hole on the top. They glared at one another when Kiritsugu walked up and drew his lot.

_Motorcycle _

"Kiritsugu and Saber have chosen 'Unit Yamaha'!" Taiga shouted as Saber mounted the familiar motorcycle with a smile forming on her face while Kiritsugu simply sat down in the side-car, cleaning out his Calico and smoking a cigarette.

"I suppose that it is our turn…" Tokiomi sighed as he picked a slip of paper.

_Personal Car _

"Tokiomi and Archer have chosen 'Unit Love & Peace'!" Taiga shouted as Archer and Tokiomi boarded a red Gran Torino.

"I don't remember purchasing this contraption…" Tokiomi muttered to himself, not noticing Archer beginning to sweat a little.

"Y-yeah. Amazing discovery huh?" The Servant asked nervously while scratching the back of his head. To his relief Tokiomi didn't seem to notice.

"Let us get this farce of a war over with…" Kayneth growled to himself before picking his vehicle.

_Smart Car _

"Kayneth, Sola-Ui, and Lancer have chosen 'Unit 01'!" Taiga declared while the three boarded the small, purple-colored smart car with Sola-Ui at the driver's seat, Kayneth at the passenger seat and Shinji in the backseat.

"Tch. This contraption is much too small." Kayneth complained as both Shinji and Sola-Ui buckled their seatbelts. A small smirk began to form on Sola-Ui's face as she noticed that Kayneth did not do the same.

"Alright! Let's see what we got!" Rider shouted before dunking his hand into the box and pulling out a slip of paper.

_Ship_

"Waver and Rider have chosen 'Unit Gurren'!" Taiga said as Waver stared at the vehicle Rider had drawn in shock.

"So?" Rider asked while grinning at Waver. "What do you think?"

"What do I think? That's just a Viking ship with wheels!" Waver shouted while pointing at the ship. It was indeed a Viking ship, and painted on its sail was the symbol of Team Dai-Gurren. "It's big! It's impractical! It runs on wind power! It's…!"

"Manly!" Rider shouted, silencing Waver. Rider then threw Waver onboard the ship before jumping on as well. "Now come one! With this thing we can't possibly loose!"

The drawing continued. "Alright Silent Caster, let's see what we get!" Uryuu shouted before grinning at both Maiya and Irisviel. "Hey slu-"

*Slap!*

"God fucking damn it!"

Caster sighed before digging into the box himself and picking their vehicle.

_Hearse _

"Uryuu and Caster have chosen 'Unit Child Murder'!" Taiga shouted as Caster and Uryuu boarded the vehicle. The Servant suppressed the urge to bash his head against the steering wheel.

"Time to get the tool of Sakura's salvation!" Kariya told Berserker, who just kept scowling. A little anxiously Kariya picked his own slip of paper.

_Supernatural Insect_

"Kariya and Berserker have picked 'Unit Hollow!" Taiga shouted while Kariya and Berserker looked at their new 'vehicle', which was simply a giant purple worm with big lips, sharp teeth, and a bone-white plate on its 'head' that had two horns.

"Bawa!" The worm cried out while Berserker and Kariya just continued to stare at it.

"…not this fucking thing again…" Berserker mumbled before Kariya's head dropped his head.

"Sakura's salvation is another fucking worm. Great…" Kariya muttered before they both began to climb on the worm.

"Alright, let's see what TIM got for us!" Assassin yelled as he pulled out a slip of paper.

_Mario Kart_

"Kariya and Assassin have picked 'Unit Mario'!" Taiga yelled while Assassin and Kirei looked at the small kart, which looked exactly like the one used by Mario in 'Mario Kart: Double Dash'.

"Hah! Looks like TIM used the Mario Kart reference in Fate: Zero Sense to his advantage!" Assassin laughed while Kirei looked at the vehicle curiously.

"But doesn't the lack of a description mean that he is getting lazy?" Kiriei asked Assassin, but before the Servant could answer the question, Taiga's voice rang out through the loudspeaker once again.

"Competitors! Please get into your positions at the starting line!" After hearing that, all the Masters and Servants drove their vehicles to their positions on the racetrack.

"Please remember competitors, the Magus Association and the Holy Church are suffering financially. If I'm ever going to get my hot tu- Uh, I mean give the little orphans of Fuyuki any shelter, you must keep collateral damage to a minimum." Risei's voice rang out, however, no one truly listened to him.

"Huh, guess TIM's making my dad my replacement as the whiner of the series." Kirei muttered to himself as he sat in the backseat of the cart, a suspicious brown bag on his lap. Assassin was at the wheel of their vehicle.

"Alright, get ready…" Taiga shouted as an electronic bell rung three times before the green light lit up. "_GO!" _

Almost all the vehicles then sped off with Saber in front of the pack. "Oh my, looks like Saber and Kiritsugu already have a huge lead with Lancer and Sola-Ui right behind them!"

The only vehicle that hadn't taken off with the rest was – unsurprisingly – Rider and Waver's Viking ship. Well, to be fair, it _was_ going forward, but only at a speed that even an old grandmother with back problems could pass it with little trouble.

"…" Waver had no words for this. So he simply sat in a corner of the ship and continued to be depressed. If he had paid attention to his Servant, he would have noticed the odd gleam in the man's eyes…

Meanwhile, back with the rest of racers…

"Damn! Why couldn't you be in first Sola-Ui?" Kayneth yelled at his 'fiancée' as she drove Unit 01 down the road, small ticks forming at her brow as Kayneth continued to complain. "Why couldn't we get a more powerful vehicle? In fact, why couldn't we get a more useful Servant rather than the oriental?"

"Kayneth…" Sola-Ui muttered in a sweet tone, making Kayneth turn to her. "You know, you really shouldn't have forgotten your seat belt."

"Huh?" Kayneth muttered intelligently before Sola-Ui suddenly stopped the car, making him crash through the windshield and shoot out like a rocket towards the cement blocks that made the turn. "GHHHHHAAAAAAA-!" His yell was cut short when he impacted the blocks, which contributed to the magus being utterly squashed into a bloody mess.

"Kayneth just died!" Archer yelled out, viewing the scene with horror written on his face.

"Who the fuck cares?!" Berserker shouted in response as he made Unit Hollow crawl in high speeds past Unit Love & Peace.

"Great, now we have to clean that up…" Risei muttered in the microphone while face palming himself.

"Ah, I'm so glad we got rid of him…" Sola-Ui muttered before looking at the backseat, where Lancer was shivering with fear. "Say Lancer, what do you wish for dinner tonight?" As the other cars passed Unit 01, she put the car in reverse and began driving off of the race track. "Or perhaps we can skip to _dessert…_"

"Imusn'trunawayImusn'trunawayImusn'trunaway…" Lancer kept chanting to himself while Sola-Ui hummed happily to herself, her cheeks reddening with the mental image of Lancer making her food in nothing but an apron.

"Oh look at that! Lancer and Sola-Ui have dropped out of the race! Now let's get back to the remaining competitors…" Taiga said before the 'camera' swerved over to see the cars racing down the track that went through the forest. "Amazing! Unit Yamaha is in the lead followed closely by Unit Love & Peace! Unit Hollow, Unit Child Murderer and Unit Mario are following close behind them!"

Kiritsugu fired his gun at Unit Love & Peace from his side car; however, each bullet was deflected by Archer's own bullets.

"I won't let you take us out of this race, Saber!" Archer shouted as he threw some spare bullets in the air and re-loaded his gun with them, all while using only one hand.

"A Magus lowering himself to use modern-day firearms. How disgraceful…" Tokiomi muttered to himself while calmly sipping on a glass of wine. The car then shook a bit, making it spill on his clothing. While it was not a problem for the red suit he wore, it _was_ very noticeable on his white dress shirt.

"Sorry Master! I hit a pothole!" Archer apologized while steam came out of Tokiomi's ears.

"Sorry won't pay my laundry bill you stupid…!" Tokiomi began before stopping when loud electronic-rock music began filling the air.

_**{Play Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 OST: Deadpool's Theme}**_

"Assassin?" Archer muttered while looking in the side-mirror, only to see Unit Mario speeding towards them.

"Amazing! Unit Mario has sped past its original fifth place position and is now closing in on Unit Love & Peace!" Taiga declared, shock evident in her voice.

"My son has sent me a text explaining how this happened." Risei commented. However, confusion was extremely noticeable in his voice when he read said message. "It says… 'I ate the red mushroom'?"

"I'M SO FUCKING HIGH RIGHT NOW!" Kirei declared with bloodshot eyes as he drove Unit Mario to Unit Love & Peace's side, having switched places with his Servant while the Assassin in question rummaged through the brown bag they had brought along.

"Alright, now we can keep quoting TeamFourStar for the rest of this glorified omake…" Assassin began before taking out a small squid from the bag, its tentacles flailing about. "Or we can keep up with the Mario Kart references!" He then pointed the squid at Archer and Tokiomi before squeezing down on it, making ink completely cover both of their faces.

"Nice try Assassin!" Archer declared before taking off his sunglasses. "But I…!" The squid itself then impacted with Archer's face, wrapping itself around it. "GAHH!" Archer yelled as he tried to pull it off his head, consequentially letting go of the steering wheel. The car swerved a bit before driving off the road…

…which also happened to be at a cliff side now.

"GAAAAAAHHHHH-!" Both Archer and Tokiomi yelled as they fell down the cliff and the sound of the car exploding rang through the air a second after.

"What a turn of events! Unit Mario has destroyed Unit Love & Peace and now has taken its place!" Taiga shouted before the 'camera' turned to Unit Hollow and Unit Child Murderer, which were competing for the third place. "And what's this? Unit Hollow is purposefully slowing down so that it can be side by side with Unit Child Murderer."

"Yo man, look at that!" Uryuu shouted while pointing out the window. "It's a fucking penis snake!"

"It's a worm Master. And do not concern yourself over it. We'll shake it off soon enough." Caster spoke while glancing out his window to see Berserker grinning at him while holding a Cero. "Oh fuck…"

_"You see Sasuke-teme? That is why you shouldn't underestimate your enemies, dattebayo."_ The small, ghostly apparition of Naruto spoke while hovering over Caster's shoulder. At that exact instant, Berserker fired his Cero.

"GOD DAMN IT GHOST NARUTO!" Sasuke shouted to the heavens before his car exploded in a blazing fireball.

"Hah! I knew the little shit couldn't win in a fight against me, the king!" Berserker laughed out before looking over his shoulder, only to see Kariya lying down limply with his eyes rolled back and blood dripping from his mouth. "Ah shit, not again. Wake up dumbass!"

Berserker then elbowed Kariya in the gut, making him spit out more blood.

"I-I saw angels this time…" Kariya muttered as he attempted to sit back up with a confused expression forming on his face. "I think I saw… Heath Ledger playing hacky sack with Jimi Hendrix…."

"That's nice." Berserker told him without an ounce of caring in his voice. "Anyway, let's get to those punks in front and…" Suddenly, a large object impacted with Unit Hollow, making it spin into the sky and fly away into the distance. "WHAT THE FUCK!?"

"BAWABA~!" Unit Hollow cried out while Kariya held on for dear life.

"DON'T WORRY SAKURA-CHAN! I'LL…!" But before Kariya could finish, they completely vanished into the distance with only a flash of light marking their leave.

_**{Play Gurren Lagann OST: Rap Is A Man's Soul!}**_

"I told you this was an awesome idea Waver!" Rider shouted as he stood heroically on the ship's figurehead while pointing his Nodachi to the sky. "I knew that tying Lagann to Unit Gurren would make us go faster than all these bastards!"

Indeed, tied to the ship with cheap rope that miraculously held, was Lagann. It pulled the massive Viking ship with incredible speeds using its thrusters.

"S-S-Slow this damn thing down Rider!" Waver shouted, barely hanging onto the sail as the extreme winds tried their hardest to pull him off. "I don't want to die yet!"

"Come on Waver!" Rider shouted, apparently not hearing Waver's demand. "Let's show these guys our manly manliness!" Unit Gurren then seemed to speed forward _even more_ while Waver cried in despair, holding on for his dear life.

"Assassin!" Saber shouted as she saw Unit Mario closing in on them. She had followed her Master's (silent) orders to keep driving onwards and not pay attention to the other Servants. And now she discovered that most of the other competitors were either dead or had dropped out, and the only two left were the Servant she utterly _loathed_ and the loudmouth.

What had she done to deserve this kind of punishment?

Elsewhere, Seihai-kun was laughing. It was laughing _hard._

"I CAN SEE THE FUUUUTUUUURREEE!" A still high Kirei shouted before throwing a green turtle shell at Kiritsugu, who quickly shot it into numerous pieces. "YOU'LL ADOPT A SUPERHERO WANNNABE! YOUR DAUGHTER TURNS INTO LOLI BAIT! I'LL KEEP USING TEAMFOURSTAR REFERENCES IN THIS FIC WHENEVER I'M HIGH!"

"Oh, great way on trying to be original TIM!" Assassin complained as they made the final turn. He then saw Unit Gurren closing in on them and shouted, "Holy shit, they actually caught up! Guess TIM really…"

"SHUT UP ASSASSIN!" Saber shouted as she began to speed up Unit Yamaha.

"Hah! Prepare yourselves you bastards!" Rider shouted as Unit Gurren went neck and neck with Unit Yamaha and Unit Mario.

"THIS IS IT EVERYONE!" Taiga screeched out while the vehicles sped forward. "UNIT GURREN IS GAINING MOMENTUM! I CANNOT TELL WHO IS AHEAD! THEY ARE LINING UP TO AN ALMOST PERFECT LINE!"

"GHHHHAAAAA!" Saber screamed out in slow motion while Kiritsugu remained silent.

"For the evulz!" Assassin laughed out while Kirei kept on shouting, 'I CAN SEE THE FUTUUUUREE!'

"Taste our awesomesauce!" Rider shouted in slow motion as sunlight glinted off his sunglasses and Nodachi… _epically_!

"GET ME OFF THIS CRAZY THING!" Waver shouted while tears were falling from his eyes. Lagann's eyes then glowed green before it lurched forward, going an inch ahead of the other vehicles as they crossed the finish line.

The crowds cheered as Unit Gurren did a slow drive down the track. Rider waved at the crowd while Waver threw up on the side of the ship.

"What a turnout folks! Rider and Waver Velvet have won the Seihai Grand Prix!" Taiga shouted in the microphone animatedly.

"And despite the damages done to the track and town, I will still get my hot tub!" Risei continued, earning laughs from the crowd.

"H-how? How could I lose to _Rider_ of all Servants?" Saber cried out while on her knees, her face to the ground, and her fist pounding on it.

Kiritsugu said nothing, but began to slowly raise his gun towards Waver's noggin until Irisviel forced it down and waved her finger at him like she was scolding a little child. "No honey. No killing the winner just because you're upset that you lost."

Suddenly, a glorious light filled the entire area. Waver and Rider looked at the origin and saw the Holy Grail in all its glorious…

"Why is it a thermos?" Waver asked in a confused and angry tone.

_**"Do you want your wish or not?" **_The Grail asked back in an annoyed tone, making Rider grin.

"I wish that my buddy Waver…" He then patted Waver on the back. "… becomes as manly as me!"

_**"So be it …"**_ The Grail spoke before shining its light upon Waver. After the light died down Waver proceeded to grow seven inches and developed some serious muscles. A badass red trench coat manifested on his shoulders and a _manly_ cigar was now clenched between his teeth.

"JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!?" Waver shouted to the heavens, making almost all the women in the audience faint by the sheer amount of testosterone transmitted by his voice alone. He then turned to Rider and shouted, "Come on Rider! We've got to go to the Clock Tower and teach those bastards not to look down on us!"

"Alright!" Rider cheered as he summoned Gurren Lagann before they boarded the mecha and _flew_ in the general direction of London.

The Magus Association never knew what hit them.

**To Be Continued…**

**Omake (In An Omake!)-**** Seihai-Kun! **

"WAAAAAHHH!" Shirou yelled as he ran into Sehai-kun's room and cried at its feet. "SEIHAI-KUN!"

"What's wrong Shirou-kun?" Seihai-kun asked as its purple-colored corrupted contents poured out of its 'mouth'.

"TIM is taking longer to update Fate:Stay Away because of his work!" Shirou cried out while waving his arms around. "He would find the time to do it, but by then he is so tired and unmotivated that he doesn't do it anymore!" Shirou then sobbed into his hands as Seihai-kun looked on.

"Mou, you're so pathetic Shirou-kun…" Seihai-kun chided before dropping a kitchen knife onto the floor.

_**Update Motivator Kit! **_

"….huh?" Shirou asked in confusion as Seihai-kun leaned down towards him.

"Use this to make TIM write faster." Seihai-kun whispered to Shirou, who now looked at the knife with horror. "Or just use it to make the readers review more. Either one works."

**Note:**** Yo! It's TIM here with the parody of my popular Fate stories! I decided to make this little story because I LOVE Carnival Phantasm and I think that it is a chance for me to get out of seriousness when it comes to my fanfiction work. Please tell me how I did with ****exaggerating the characters. I would also like to mention that the Naruto, Lelouch, and Cole in the beginning are characters in some of my fanfictions. Guess which ones they are and you get a cookie.**

**Also remember to read and review Fate:Zero Sense and Fate:Stay Away. They are probably my best work yet. Also check out Fate:Zero Sense's TV Tropes page. Add anything you might find that belongs there! **

**Also, special thanks to Sir Godot for beta-reading this chap and helping me out with planning for some crazy hijinks in the story. If you have any suggestions, PM them to me or leave them in a review. They might just be put up here! **

**Also review this and my other stories. Even if I am busy with work, reviews help my muse and get me motivated enough to start work on a chapter. So review! **

**…please? **


	2. The Holy Hangover

**I do not own the Fate series or any of the series' used here.**

Naruto shut off the TV and sighed. "So _this _is what we have to keep watching in this carnival?"

"That was like a messed up version of Nascar when you think about it." Cole mentioned while taking another sip of his beer. "Why did the first chapter have to be like that?"

"Why, to capture the readers with the 'feel' of Carnival Phantasm of course." Lelouch stated with a cocky smirk while crossing his arms. "Most likely some of these chapters will have some original ideas and some ideas from the actual show."

Suddenly, the doors of the ramen bar burst open to reveal an assortment of cheering characters wearing party hats with, strangely enough, Mexican party music filling the air.

"Hey brother!" Zeke Dunbar shouted while sitting down beside Cole. "You wouldn't _believe_ what it took to get here!"

"Zeke?" Cole asked in an amazed tone as he looked at his best friend in surprise. He then looked to Naruto, only to see him playing tonsil hockey with Hyuuga Hinata. The blonde looked surprised but did nothing to stop her.

"LELOUCH YOU BASTARD!" One Kallen Kozuki shouted while chasing Lelouch across the ramen bar. "COME BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT LIKE A MAN!"

"Lulu!" Shirley Finette shouted worriedly as she watched her not so secret crush try to escape from the fiery red headed Knightmare pilot.

Cole sighed as the chaos went on around him before looking at the 'screen' and muttering, "It's starting…"

**_Carnival Frenzy_**

Waver blearily opened his eyes before closing them again as natural light hit them. "Guh…" Waver groaned as he slowly moved his hands away from his face. _"Where am I?"_ Waver thought as he sat up and observed his surroundings. He was apparently in a Japanese style home, and it looked like it had gone through _Hell._ There was confetti, streamers, broken pieces of furniture, and something that distinctly looked like whipped cream scattered across the room. _"W-what happened?" _Waver thought to himself as he attempted to get onto his feet, only to stumble backwards and fall on his head. "GAH!" Waver shouted as he put his hands on top of his head. It felt like a jackhammer was going off onto his head _and _Rider was _attempting_ to play 'By The Way' by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

At the exact same time!

"Bawk!" The squawk of a chicken echoed through the room, making Waver turn to see a black-feathered, red-eyed chicken staring back at him, slightly cocking its small head before stalking off to another part of the room.

"What is this?" Waver asked himself as he, shakily, got onto his feet and began to walk forward, being careful to not slip on the spent bullet cases on the floor. "All I remember is… the party!"

That's right! Rider had brought him to a party (more like rave, really.) that the Master of Berserker had been hosting in his house. Apparently, the Matou head had pissed off Berserker enough to warrant the Servant killing him (which explained the huge, gaping hole in the ceiling). Rather than being angry with his Servant towards his father's death, Matou Kariya had been overjoyed and had called for a one-night truce between Masters for the celebration. The church overseer had agreed to it, thanks to Kariya inviting him as well. Rider had dragged him to the party and made him chug a whole bottle of beer despite his protests, declaring that drinking alcohol was 'manly', and afterwards…

"Nothing… I can't remember anything…" Waver muttered to himself before looking down and shouting, "WHERE ARE MY PANTS!?"

**_Several Minutes (And One Pair Of Pants) Later:_**

Waver tiptoed around the seemingly abandoned manor with his anxiety going up several notches. The house was _definitely_ about to collapse with all the damage that it had. Seriously, it looked like some brute had kept punching through every single wall!

"Hello!?" Waver called out with his eyes darting around. "Rider!? Anybody!?"

"Stop screaming!" A new voice yelled, before Matou Kariya arose from underneath a pile of sake bottles. "God, my head…" Kariya groaned as he clutched his cranium, the veins that contained his bugs reacting to his frustration.

_"Finally!"_ Waver thought in exasperation before pointing at Kariya. "T-This was all a trick wasn't it? What did you do with Rider, and why can't I remember anything?"

"It's not a trick!" Kariya protested while rising to his feet. Thankfully he was still clad in some jeans as he scratched his head. "I can't remember anything either. All I remember is talking to Aoi-chan and…"

"Aoi?" Waver asked before pointing at Kariya's abdomen. "Is she the woman you have a tattoo of?"

Kariya looked down and saw that in plain view, right in the middle of his abdomen, was the message 'Aoi's Property' with an arrow pointing down to his….

_"Did I score with Aoi last night? Fucking SWEET!" _Kariya's 'little soldier' cheered out.

_"WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER A THING!? DAMN IT!?" _Kariya's mind wailed before Kariya shook his head to clear his thoughts.

"I don't remember getting this!" Kariya shouted in panic before pointing back at Waver. "And what is with _your_ tattoo?"

Waver then blinked before looking at his left hand, which had the message… "15? Fifteen of what?" Waver asked while scratching his head. Suddenly, a bestial growl echoed through the manor, making Waver shake. "W-what was that?"

Kariya shrugged before limping towards the source of the noise with Waver following behind him. They then went into the Matou library to see a completely black-furred and red-eyed lion chewing on a corpse wearing a navy blue teacher's uniform, which was only worn by…

Waver's eyes widened in shock as he pointed to the corpse and stuttered out, "K-Kayneth died!"

Kariya looked at him weirdly before asking, "Who the fuck cares?"

Waver's expression turned to one of relaxation before he said, "Oh yeah." Waver then shrugged before closing the door. The two Masters then walked down the ruined hallways, being sure not to slip on any suspicious yellow liquid, before Waver suddenly asked, "What did we do last night?"

"I don't know. But…" Kariya began before his one (Still working) eye widened as he saw Berserker and one tall, strongly built man with extremely pale skin and black tribal marks on his face wearing a purple trench coat and what seemed to be pure darkness covering everything else, sitting on 'thrones' of beer bottles, each one holding a jug of the good old Captain Morgan (half-empty) with their cheeks reddened.

"S-so Ari… no wait itsh Aare…. Double A! Anyshway, he was goin' up to me an…" Berserker seemed to notice Kariya's presence and waved at them. "Yo! Thosh pricks are still gettin' it! I'm just hangin' with Nv… Nrv,,, aw fuck it, Nero!"

"I never had this much fun since Roa!" 'Nero' laughed out before taking another swig. Waver then looked at the door curiously before walking forward.

"Wait, wait! Don't...!" Kariya warned before Waver looked inside, screamed, and quickly shut it before turning around with wide, frightened eyes before barfing on the floor.

"Clean up on ishle two!" The drunken Servant laughed before Nero joined him.

Kariya shook his head in pity. It was always horrible to see those worms the first time. But… _"Did he barf because Sakura-chan was in there?"_ "DON'T WORRY SAKURA-CHAN!" Kariya shouted as he swung open the door to the 'bug room'. "I'LL…!" As suddenly as he opened it, he then closed it before turning around and barfing with Waver. However his 'barf' also contained blood.

"O-oh God, what _was_ that?" Waver asked shakily as what he ate last night stopped coming out of his mouth.

"Tokiomi… and… _Shinji…_" Kariya responded before wiping his mouth with his sleeve. While he was sickened by the display of the worms doing their… _duty_ on the body of the man he hated with a passion, his nephew was just a step too far.

Even if he was a little prick.

"S-should we…?" Waver asked, before Kariya raised his hand to silence him.

"Not our job. As a matter of fact, let's stop talking about it _immediately._" Kariya said firmly before getting a weak nod from Waver. "We need to find out what happened last night. _And_ we need to find Sakura-chan and your Servant. But first, let's find our shirts. Talking like this is fucking creepy."

**_Several Minutes Later:_**

Waver and Kariya then walked out of the Matou Manor, and felt their jaws drop at what they saw. There was toilet paper covering the house, patches of land were torn out of the yard that happened to be littered with plastic cups, and finally there was a private jet parked on the road with a red colored, spray-painted message 'DEADPOOL THE GAME: GET ALL OF MY AWESOMENESS ON…" The rest of the message was cut off at the tail of the plane, making Waver and Kariya walk over to the other side to see the rest of the message. "…IN 2013! SUCK IT WOLVERINE!"

"…What the Hell?" Both Waver and Kariya muttered at the same time before spotting none other than Archer hiding behind the front wheel of the private jet. "Arch-?"

"SH!" Archer shushed while placing two fingers in front of his mouth. "She might…" The sound of wind whistling made his eyes widen before he dived towards Waver and Kariya shouting, "GET DOWN!" He knocked the both of them down before something hit the private jet and made it explode into a humongous fireball.

"ARCHER!" A female voice shouted, making the three turn to see none other than Maiya wearing nothing but a black bra and panties holding a rocket launcher in her hands.

"N-now calm down Maiya-chan!" Archer stuttered out as he quickly got up and started to back away. "W-we were both drunk an-GHAH!" Maiya would have none of his excuses apparently, as a bullet whizzed by Archer's head. As he fled, Maiya chased after him with two Desert Eagles in her hands.

"MY BODY IS ONLY FOR KIRITSUGU YOU BASTARD!" Maiya shouted as she chased the Servant away, while Waver and Kariya shakily got up. They then looked at each other, and had the same exact thought.

_"Just what the Hell happened last night?"_

**_Several Minutes Later:_**

"All I remember is being forced to drink that… disgusting swill… and that is it." Waver muttered as he walked beside Kariya down the shopping district of Fuyuki. "You?"

"I remember hosting the party, talking with everyone, playing with Sakura-chan, and then talking to Aoi with something in my glass." Kariya admitted with his hands in his pockets. "I think that was around ten."

"At least we have a decent timeframe…" Waver muttered before stopping and squinting his eyes. "Is that… Lancer and Sola-Ui?"

Indeed it was. With a crowd gathered around them, Sola-Ui was hugging Lancer's face to her chest with a wide smile on her face. Nothing unusual of course. But what _did_ stand out in this case were the two matching gold rings on their ring fingers.

"I'm so happy Lancer! This is our first day as newlyweds!" Sola-Ui cooed out while cupping Lancer's face and drawing it close to hers. "I'm going to give you a taste of what is to come _tonight._"

"I-I need an adult?" Lancer asked weakly, which only seemed to make Sola-Ui's smile widen.

"I _am_ an adult. _And_ your wife." Sola-Ui whispered out before spotting Waver and Kariya. "Oh! Velvet! Matou! So good to see you again! Thanks again for yesterday!"

"Y-You know what happened last night? Please, tell us!" Waver cried out, while Sola-Ui looked at them strangely.

"You don't remember?" Sola-Ui asked while Lancer escaped her grasp with a relieved smile on his face. When Waver and Kariya shook their heads, Sola-Ui sighed. "But Velvet, you were Lancer's best man. And Rider helped to decorate the church with Matou and little Sakura…"

"So they were with us in this…" Kariya began, looking at Sola-Ui and Lancer with a disturbed expression. "…Wedding last night?"

"Oh yes, Kotomine and Assassin insisted on them coming as witnesses." Sola-Ui confirmed while putting her hand on her chin. "I think afterwards you said something about leaving little Sakura at…"

"GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU HUSSY!" A new voice shouted before one Fujimura Taiga tackled Shinji and began to hug him with a bone-shattering (Literally, you could hear the ribs break.) grip. "He's MY hunk of man meat!"

"Please girl…" Sola-Ui growled out while turning around, completely forgetting about Waver and Kariya. "Why would Shinji want you prepubescent body when he has _these_?" Sola-Ui then cupped her breasts for emphasis, making Taiga blush hard with an angry expression on her face.

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU OLD HAG!" Taiga declared while pointing at Sola-Ui, whose face reddened with anger.

"OLD HAG!?" Sola-Ui asked furiously, making everyone take a step back and Lancer attempt to shrink into the ground.

"We're not going to get anything else from here." Waver whispered to Kariya as the grown woman and teenage girl continued to argue like children. "Let's go and…" Suddenly, Waver was grabbed by the collar of his shirt and forced to face a beautiful woman in her late teens with short brown hair, green eyes, and c-cup breasts wearing a white shirt and brown pants. "C-can I help you mi-MRPH!" Waver was soon silenced when the woman pulled him into a long, heated kiss and shoved her tongue into Waver's mouth. After five minutes they separated with the woman giving Waver a playful smirk before walking away, leaving a stunned Waver to touch his lips. "W-what was that about?" When he received no answer, he turned around before his eyes widened as he saw Kariya on the ground with blood coming out of his mouth. "Oh no!" Waver then got onto his knees and began to shake Kariya. "Come on, wake up!"

"No, wait Jesus! I have so many questions!" Kariya suddenly shouted, light returning to his eyes before he looked around. "W-what…?"

"D-did you die?" Waver asked with wide eyes as Kariya got back up and began to walk away.

"I-It happens from time to time…" Kariya replied weakly as Waver tried to follow him. Waver was about to try and delve into the topic, before suddenly the TVs on the window of the electronic store all changed to the news.

_"This just came in: the newly appointed leaders of Russia and China, Wade 'Deadpool' Wilson and Kotomine Kirei respectively, are now making their first televised appearance."_ The reporter said before the pictures of both Assassin and Kirei appeared on the screen. _"As you may remember, these two forcibly took control of the nations single handedly and killed the former leaders. Rather than meeting scorn from the populace, the citizens of both Russia and China embraced these two and allowed them to become their new leaders. We now take you live to… one of the Taco Bells in China? I'm sorry, am I reading this right?"_

_"WHAT THE FUCK!?" _Both Waver and Kariya thought in shock and horror as the camera changed to the scene of both Kirei and Assassin sitting on a fast-food booth of what was, apparently, a Taco Bell.

_"Hello our loyal minions and readers of this glorified omake!" _Assassin shouted while waving at the camera. _"I'm so glad that TIM could FINALLY get to us in this Hangover rip off!"_

_"His fics would not be popular without us, so of course he would fit us in."_ Kirei mentioned to Assassin. _"He's doing it already with Fate:Stay Away."_

_"Anyway, we are here to explain the new laws of our countries that shall go into effect immediately."_ Assassin drawled out before taking out a _huge_ stack of papers. _"All Russian citizens are to call each other 'comrade'. Citizens are to also refer to me, their leader, as 'El Presidente'."_

_"The mandatory religion for all citizens of China and Russia will from now on be Bea Arthur-ism. You shall receive your mandatory Golden Girls seasons and bibles in the mail."_ Kirei continued while looking at his own sheet. _"The Naruto manga and anime is also hereby banned due to the massive amounts of bullshit Kishimoto has been putting into them."_

_"You brought this upon yourself Kishi! Damn you for actually making Tobi Obito!" _Assassin shouted while shaking his fist to the heavens. After the outburst, he then looked at the camera again. _"Anyway, minions! I order you to make 372,844 chimichangas for me! So that I may smell my glorious, glorious victory!"_

_"For me as well!"_ Kirei ordered while pointing at the camera. _"May Bea Arthur be with you!"_ With that, the feed ended, and the camera cut back to the shocked reporter.

_"D-did that just happened?"_ The reporter stuttered out before looking back at her notes. _"A-anyway, the mysterious man who only identified himself as 'Caster' was admitted to the Fuyuki Mental Institute just a few hours ago. As many know, the man was restrained last night after running around in circles screaming, 'Ghost Naruto, leave me the… explicitly deleted… alone!'. The institute has released the statement that the man is suffering from a form of dementia, and they have found traces of cocaine in his blood stream."_ The reporter then looked at her watch before saying in a somewhat relieved tone, _"And that is all the time we have for today! Stay tuned for the series premier of 'Mr. Ryuunosuke's Neighborhood'!"_

"W-well…" Waver said weakly while looking at Kariya. "A-at least we have a lead…" Kariya could only nod before blinking in surprise as a short blue-haired, glasses-wearing nun stomped towards them and poked her finger on his chest.

"Y-you better not think of me as a loose woman!" The nun shouted while blushing furiously. "I-I expect you to take responsibility for last night! I-I want you to take me to the best curry restaurant this city has to offer! I-I'll come for you at seven, so y-you better be ready!" With that, she left with her entire skin becoming fire-truck red while Waver just looked confused.

"L-let's just get to the damn hospital…" Waver muttered while walking away with his legs shaking. Kariya then shrugged before following him.

**_Several Minutes Later:_**

"I'm glad you two have a personal connection with the patient. He has been unwilling to interact, unless it is to attack the staff." The doctor stuttered out while Waver and Kariya followed him down the halls. "Perhaps your presence will calm him down…"

Waver and Kariya looked at each other with unsure expressions on their faces. While Caster _might _be insane, there was a chance that he could tell them what happened last night.

Or so they hoped. If not, they were getting the Hell out of dodge.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Caster's voice shouted before a burly male nurse was thrown out of the door right in front of Waver, Kariya, and the doctor. Waver and Kariya peeked through the now opened door to see Caster, in a straight jacket, looking wildly around the padded cell while the doctor rushed in.

"Caster-san, please calm down! We brought some of your friends to see you!" The doctor pleaded, only for Caster to see Ghost Naruto appear over his right shoulder.

_"I think you've finally snapped Sasuke-teme."_ Ghost Naruto intoned, only for Caster to glare at him.

"SHUT UP GHOST NARUTO!" Caster yelled out, only for the doctor, Kariya, and Waver to look at him weirdly.

"W-who are you talking to?" Kariya asked, making Caster focus on him.

"No, I'm not crazy! _You're_ crazy! _Especially_ you dobe!" Caster shouted, making Ghost Naruto grow angry, however, only he could see the apparition.

_"Hey, dattebayo!"_ Ghost Naruto shouted in anger before the doctor rushed forward and injected a syringe into Caster.

"G-god damn it gh…" With that, Caster collapsed onto the padded floor and began to snore loudly.

The doctor then turned weakly to them before asking, "Come back in a few hours?"

Waver and Kariya slowly nodded before turning around and walked down the hallway. They were then stopped by two black-haired female nurses who were most likely twins. They smirked at Waver before walking up to him and began taking turns with kissing him. Once satisfied, they left while giggling happily.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?" Waver shouted to the heavens, while wiping the lipstick from his mouth.

"What are you, gay?" Kariya asked curiously, making Waver's face redden with anger.

"N-no! I'm not! I'm just _pissed_ that random women seem to have an interest in me, and I have no idea why!" Waver shouted while stomping his foot with indignation. "I want Rider here _right now_! I want to know what the Hell happened last night _immediately_!" With that, one of his Command Seals glowed before disappearing. And with a flash of light, Rider appeared.

It also seemed that he was just beginning to put on his pants.

"W-Waver?" Rider asked weakly as he fully drew up his pants and turned around, and Waver gaped at what he saw. Rider's face was covered in lipstick kiss marks and his neck was covered in hickies. Waver then began to notice that his body seemed to be covered in whip marks and on his chest was what appeared to be dried up candle wax. "THANK GOD YOU CAME!" Rider cried as he began to hug Waver, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I only made it to ten, man! And the last chick was into some freaky stuff! I-I couldn't escape! The mighty Kamina could not flee! I-I thought that…"

"Rider, what are you talking about? What do you mean by ten?" Waver asked, making Rider look at him weirdly.

"You don't remember? I gave you some booze so that you could loosen up like a real man. After some partying you said that you were going to take the 'freshman fifteen' to prove that you were even manlier than me. I took your challenge and…" Rider then shook his head to dispel some memories that he would rather not remember before noticing the tattoo that was on Waver's left hand. "N-No way… you did it?"

"Freshman fifteen…" Kariya muttered before realization appeared in his eyes, followed by a full-bodied blush. He knew what the freshman fifteen challenge was. It more or less constituted as sleeping with fifteen freshman girls in one night.

It also seemed that Waver knew of the challenge, because he soon shared Kariya's blush. "Y-you mean I…?"

_"YES!" _Both Waver's mind and his 'little soldier' cheered at the same time.

_"NOOOO!"_ Kariya's mind and 'little soldier' wailed in synch.

"Please, what else happened last night? Do you know where Sakura-chan is? Tell us Rider!" Kariya shouted, only for Rider to shake his head.

"Sorry, left to try and complete that manly challenge afterwards. Couldn't tell you even if I wanted to." Rider told both Waver and Kariya, who sighed in response.

"There's still one place we haven't looked!" Waver declared, making Kariya and Rider look at him.

**_A Few Minutes Later (Einzbern Manor):_**

"…Somehow, this idea sounded better in my head…" Waver muttered as he, Rider, and Kariya stood outside of the front door of the massive manor. They had arrived via taxi, and had been greeted by the driver named 'Eddie' who called them 'You crazy mother fuckers!'. After an awkward drive, they had gotten to their destination. Waver then took a deep breath before knocking two times on the door. Gunshots then rang out and went through the door, miraculously missing the two Masters and Servant as they dove to the side. When the gunfire stopped, the door collapsed to reveal Kiritsugu, clad in a pair of black boxers, smoking a cigarette while holding a Tommy Gun in his hands.

"No honey!" Irisviel, clad in a white nightgown, chided while snatching the gun from Kiritsugu's hands and waving her index finger at him like he was a small child. "What have I told you about greeting people at the door like that?" She then turned to the shivering form of Waver, Kariya coughing out blood, and Rider who was grinning like a mad man. "I'm so sorry, you all must be cold. Come in!"

Slowly, the three of them walked into the house and sat in the massive living room's couches. Irisviel smiled happily at them while Kiritsugu kept eying Waver and Kariya with his hand looking like it was gripping an imaginary gun. "Now then, what can I do for you three?"

"Can you please tell us what happened last night?" Waver blurted out, making Irisviel look at him with a confused expression on her face. "W-we don't remember anything at all!"

"Oh…" Irisviel before light dawned onto her eyes. "Oh! Of course I can tell you!"

"Finally!" Kariya declared before he and Waver leaned forward with eager expressions on their faces.

"Well, I remember that Rider gave you a drink as soon as you walked in. It seemed that you were a lightweight, because you acted like a happy drunk for the rest of the night. You kept taking different woman for the rest of the night and bringing them to one room, saying something about 'being manly' and 'freshman fifteen'. But I think one of the girls you brought over was that immortal girl from the Burial Agency…"

"Heh, man! You truly are manly enough to be part of Team Dai-Gurren Waver! You are just one step closer to being as manly as me!" Rider cheered out while Waver held a horrified expression on his face.

"As for you Matou, I remember you talking to Tohsaka's wife while Sola-Ui was trying to bring over a drink to Lancer that had a blue pill at the bottom of it. You took it instead, and started acting really weird. I think that Tohsaka's wife took some too, because she was acting _really_ loose. I was a bit tipsy at that point, so I had Kiritsugu bring us home. We would have brought Maiya-san, but she seemed to be having fun with Archer…" An evil smirk then spread on Irisviel's face, unnoticed to all. "After that, we had hot dirty sex all night lo-!"

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Both Waver and Kariya cried out while Irisviel pouted.

"Well, before I left I heard one of you saying something about going with Kotomine Kirei, Assassin, Sola-Ui, Lancer, and little Sakura to a wedding." Irisviel mentioned, making Kariya's eyes light up.

"D-do you know where Sakura-chan is?" Kariya asked, making Irisviel scrunch up her brow in thought before beaming at them.

"Oh yes! You left her here last night because you were going on a trip! She's upstairs with that little boy Saber brought home…" Irisviel declared, making Kariya instantly get up and run up the staircase in speeds that shouldn't be allowed for a man who had one leg dead. Waver and Rider ran up behind him.

"Don't worry Sakura-chan! I'm…!" Kariya yelled as he swung open the door, only to gape at what he saw.

Saber was on the edge of a huge bed hugging some sheets to mostly cover her naked form with a huge blush all over her body and some blood dribbling down her nose.

A young eight-year-old boy red haired boy, who was thankfully still fully clothed, was looking at Saber with fear in his eyes.

And finally little Sakura was sitting on a small stool with a small notepad and pencil in her hands.

Sakura slowly turned to Kariya and looked blankly at him before giving a small nod to acknowledge his presence. However, in Kariya's mind this registered as Sakura looking sad with small tears coming out of the corners of her eyes with sparkles forming around her before saying in a cutesy voice, **_"Mou, I'm sorwy I made you worry Kariya-tousan. I was so scared without you…"_**

"It's okay Sakura-chan~!" Kariya sung out happily as he waved at her while Waver and Rider looked at him weirdly.

"W-what are you doing here?" Saber gasped out, finally noticing their presence and attempting to cover herself. "G-get out!"

"Can I go back to my mom?" The young boy asked in a scared tone, making Saber whip her head towards his direction before cupping his face.

"No! Listen to me Shirou, you are here so that you can become a splendid young man! A well built, nice, young, polite, young man who can cook delicious meals on a whim…" Saber gasped out as her eyes began to go blank, her face turned completely red, and blood began to drip out of her nose.

Suddenly, the two objects crashed through the windows, scattering glass everywhere. The six looked to see two SWAT members pointing their guns at them. "FREEZE! Step away from the kid you…!"

"Holy shit! He's got a fucking M-16!" Another voice shouted from downstairs before gunfire echoed through the air.

"You'll never take us alive you pigs!" Irisviel's voice shouted before the two SWAT members left the room. Waver and Kariya looked at each other before coming to an agreement.

It was time to bail!

**_A Few Seconds Later:_**

"Hah! Now that was something huh?" Rider laughed as he steered the antique car down the road leading out of the Einzbern forest. Sakura had lead them to the Einzbern Manor's garage, which contained several different styles of cars and motorcycles. Rider had instantly taken the wheel while Waver had taken a shotgun and Kariya and Sakura had sat in the back. They had somehow been able to escape the intense shootout between the SWAT team and Kiritsugu and his wife.

"'Something' is not how I would best describe this Rider…" Waver muttered while crossing his arms. "Let's just go home and never talk about this again."

Suddenly, Sakura then revealed a camera from out of nowhere surprising both Waver and Kariya. "D-does this have photos from last night?" Waver asked nervously, only to receive a slight nod of her head.

What Kariya saw, however, was completely different. **_"Mou, I just want to help you Kariya-tousan. Did I do good?"_**

"You sure did Sakura-chan~!" Kariya sung out before taking the camera from her hand.

"With this, we will finally know what we did last night!" Waver then leaned back to see the camera screen as well while Rider glanced at it from the corner of his eye. Even Sakura leaned on Kariya to take a look. Kariya then turned the camera on, before his face slowly morphed to one of shock and horror. "Oh…"

"What!?" Waver shrieked as he saw the photo of him having sex with the blue-haired nun from earlier on the bar counter. Kariya then changed the photo to one that showed him snorting a white powder off of a partially naked Aoi's belly.

"Hah! Priceless!" Rider laughed out while Kariya and Waver's faces kept morphing through various emotions as they saw the events from last night in photo form.

And there were still ninety nine more to go through!

**To Be Continued…**

**Omake****- Seihai-kun!**

"WAAAAHHH!" Saber cried out as she rushed into Seihai-kun's room and cried at its feet. "SEIHAI-KUN!"

"What's wrong Saber-kun?" Seihai-kun asked as its corrupted purpled-colored contents kept dripping from its 'mouth' onto the floor.

"TIM is so unfair whenever I battle the other Servants!" Saber cried out while flailing her arms around. "I try as hard as I can to be the best Servant around, but I keep getting defeated easily by the others! I now even have a TV Trope saying that I have The Worf Effect!" With that, Saber continued to sob on the ground while Seihai-kun looked on.

"Mou, you are so pathetic Saber-kun…" Seihai-kun chided before dropping a kitchen knife onto the floor.

**_Anti-Worf Effect Kit!_**

"…Huh?" Saber asked in confusion as Seihai-kun leaned down towards her.

"Use this to make TIM make your fights fair." Seihai-kun whispered while Saber looked at the knife with horror. "Or better yet, use it as the _Update Motivator Kit_ to make him create the next chapter of Fate:Stay Away already."

**Note-**** Yo everybody! It's TIM here hoping that everyone enjoyed the latest carnival! This idea was partially inspired by The Hangover, and discussed with my beta-reader Sir Godot. Thanks for looking over this once again man. **

**Anyway, I would like to inform everyone here that the author CleverPervertedPriest has made a story inspired by Fate:Zero Sense. It is titled _Fate Level Zero_ which has all the characters but Saber replaced by video game characters. Who are they? Well, you will have to read it to find out. I would also like to remind everyone to read Agitated Animator's _The Artist and The Faker_, which was inspired by my challenge on my profile. Check out his story and check out my challenges to see which one interests you. PM me if you want to try one out. **

**Also, check out Fate:Zero Sense's TV Tropes page. Add any trope that you would like and fits into the stories with reason. I eagerly await to see if any tropes for Carnival Frenzy will go on… **

**Also remember, you can suggest some crazy hijinks for the characters to go through in this carnival. Leave them in a review or simply PM me. **

**Speaking of reviews, do not forget to put one down right now since it helps my muse. More reviews means more motivation to update! So get reviewing! **

**…Please? **


	3. Waverdin

**I do not own Fate/Stay night or any of the series' used here.**

Naruto sighed as he swept away the various pieces of food, confetti, and alcoholic bottled from the floor into a small trash can. Cole was now sipping a glass of water while Lelouch looked nervously from side to side as both Shirley and Kallen continued to clutch to his left and right arm respectively.

"I swear, this carnival is just too much…" Naruto whined out while setting his broom onto the wall. "Just how many does TIM intend to make?"

"Well, this one is actually made by his beta Sir Godot, so that's something different." Cole mentioned while Lelouch just nodded.

"Indeed, it was about time someone accepted TIM's offer to create their own chapter for the carnival. Hopefully, this will inspire others too…." Lelouch began, only for Shirley to tug his arm.

"Lulu, let's go! WALL-E's about to start on the television!" Shirley whined out while looking at Lelouch with puppy dog eyes. "You promised!"

"No way, we've seen that damn movie for a thousand times!" Kallen shouted out while shooting Shirley a mean glare. "If we're going to watch a Disney movie for the date, we're going to see Wreck It Ralph!"

Lelouch sighed as he looked down before muttering, "It's starting…"

**_Carnival Frenzy_**

The Holy Grail War – a deadly contest that started centuries ago. Every time seven Magi gather at the location of Fuyuki City and summon seven legendary Heroic Spirits to fight for them. The Servants themselves are listed by their classes: Saber, Lancer, Archer, Rider, Berserker, Assassin, and Caster. The one Servant and Master remaining in the end shall receive the Holy Grail, an ancient and powerful object with the power to grant any wish, as the prize.

However, apparently someone didn't quite get that memo…

"Okay, that's it! Now keep a steady hand and keep wrapping."

"These feathers are kinda itchy."

"I have sand in my shoes."

Various voices proclaimed various complaints as the seven Masters and their respective Servants had gathered in a location that all but three were unfamiliar with. One of those three approached another one.

"How are the preparations going, Mr. Deadberg? Or do you prefer Spielpool for this, Assassin?"

This voice belonged to none other than Kirei Kotomine, priest, magus and fan of Bea Arthur. The one he had addressed was his Servant and fellow Bea Arthur fan Assassin. Said Heroic Spirit was still clad in his usual clothes, only he now also wore a cap reminiscent of artists on his head.

"Well, things are about as expected. Took a lot longer than expected due to this being not written by TIM for a change, which also explains why we talk so differently compared to normal."

Kirei nodded his head slightly. "It's truly a shame for a guy to write an omake for another author's story when he still hasn't finished the promised next chapter of his own story." The priest then turned his attention to the other people present. "But for the Holy Grail to manifest as something like that… the ideas these authors keep coming up with will never cease to amaze me."

Assassin patted his shoulder in agreement. "No truer words were ever spoken. Well, let's get this party started. Everyone, front and center!"

The six remaining Master-Servant pairs plus tagalongs begrudgingly gathered in front of Assassin and Kirei. Nobody knew where Assassin had suddenly gotten that megaphone from, and frankly, they didn't really question it anymore.

"Alright maggots," Assassin began. "You all know what you're here for, but as the readers don't know yet, allow me to recap: the Holy Grail has manifested as an Oscar – and I don't mean Mickey's rabbit brother. So in order for one of us to win the cup we have to make a movie and floor the jury with it! Any questions?"

Irisviel, who was dressed in a set of black and red robes along with an imposing black head, slowly raised her hand.

"Uhm, where exactly are we? And what's with these costumes?"

Kirei somehow produced his own megaphone and answered the question, completely ignoring the fact that the others only stood a few yards away and would have heard him anyway.

"An excellent question. We are currently in a place called Hueco Mundo thanks to Berserker opening a gate here off-screen." The Servant in question wondered indeed just when he had done that and why there were no Hollows around to eat either the others or get eaten by him. "As for the costumes, they are for the movie we are performing. As the one appointed to be the scriptwriter by the author, allow me to introduce the project."

With that Kirei reached behind his back and pulled out a notebook with the title "Aladdin" doodled on it. "As you can see we are performing Aladdin, based on the Disney movie of course. I shall now proceed to announce the roles, so you should listen up if you want to win that Osc – I mean, the Grail. Ahem."

_Maiya: Palace Guard_

Kiritsugu's assistant was dressed in white baggy pants and a black, on her head a white turban. While she seemed to dislike the getup, the look on her face when she inspected her sword and discovered that it was _quite_ sharp was a little unsettling for some of the others present.

_Sola-Ui: Fruit Vendor_

Sola-Ui seemed a little disappointed to be dressed as a generic and rather unimportant character, but as she looked at Lancer and his (in her opinion) absolutely adorable outfit, the thought of offering him her melons somehow entered her mind.

'This day can't get much better.' The woman thought happily.

_Kayneth: Stunt Double_

Kayneth was confused and as always, proceeded to react to it like he did to everything he didn't like – which was almost everything in existence, really. "What's a stunt double? I demand to know, I refuse to get my clothes dirty with the job of a commoner!"

And suddenly Sola-Ui's day got even better. Lancer still distanced himself a little from her when a low demonic chuckle escaped the throat of his secondary Master.

_Tokiomi: Sultan_

The head of the Tohsaka family didn't really react to the announcement. He was preoccupied by drinking some delicious red wine of a bottle he had managed to keep save from Archer. But as his role didn't really have to do much, nobody thought it was necessary to tell him otherwise. They could probably sit him on the throne and ignore him.

_Uryuu: Unimportant Side Characters_

"Huh? Does this mean I won't have time to play with some children? Come to think of it, there aren't much people in this dump any-"

The homicidal maniac was interrupted in his whining by his Servant, who looked him into the eyes and muttered a quick "Mangekyo Sharingan". Uryuu then stayed quiet. He also stayed perfectly still. When Caster waved a hand in front of his face, not even his eyes followed the movement.

"_Looks like you broke him, teme. Great job, really."_ The ghostly voice of Ghost Naruto then proceeded to make fun of Caster, even as the Servant kept chanting "Shut up" and began to drag his statue of a Master around.

_Kiritsugu: Cameraman_

Without saying anything Kiritsugu approached the camera in question and checked it over. That it looked like he was testing it like a gun wasn't noticed by many, but even the last one got it when the Magus Killer started to tape a sniper rifle to it.

_Irisviel: Jafar the Vizier_

"…"

"…"

"… what the hell?"

Not many magi were familiar with Disney movies (unlike the Servants, who had been filled in by the Holy Grail), but even those who only knew remotely about the stereotypical evil viziers couldn't help but wonder who in his right mind would cast Irisviel as the villain of a story. Then they remembered who had written the script and who their director was. The question disappeared faster than lunch in front of a certain Tiger.

_Kariya: Narrator / Peddler_

Due to his poor health and the blood loss (caused by throwing it up), Kariya was only able to follow most of what he heard about his role. He had to win the Grail. He had to narrate something. And as always, these facts were connected to Sakura-chan in his head.

"Don't worry, Sakura-chan." Kariya mumbled to himself. "I'll tell you a nice story… Yeah, a nice bedtime story…"

The Matou magus then fainted and fell face first to the ground. For once it didn't hurt so much as the sand softened the impact, unlike the impact of the kicks of his Servant Berserker, who was trying – in his own way – to get his Master to his feet again.

_Waver: Aladdin_

"HUH?! I have the main role?! But I – why – how – can't – " Waver's stammering was cut short by a hearty slap on the back courtesy of Rider, who has a massive grin on his face.

"Lucky bastard! The hero always gets the most screen time, so the Grail is as good as ours! Plus, this way you can learn how to act manly in front of an audience!"

_Caster: Visual Effects_

Caster, who was still busy moving his frozen Master around, barely acknowledged his role. It wasn't even that bad in his opinion, at least he didn't have to play a role and interact with the others this way. Also, if he had to make special effects there was always the chance of some unfortunate… accidents.

"_I heard that, bastard! I knew that it wasn't an accident when that fireball of you almost roasted me back then you - !"_ The rest of Ghost Naruto was ignored as well, as hard as it was. Caster only hoped he wouldn't snap before this whole thing was over.

_Berserker: Raja the Tiger_

For a moment, Berserker was surprisingly quiet. Of course it didn't last.

"… a pet tiger? You had the BALLS to cast ME as a PET TIGER?! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR THROAT OUT YOU - !"

Berserker had to be forcibly restrained by Archer and Rider so that he wouldn't rip the priest and his Servant into little bits. The fact that Rider was laughing all the while didn't exactly help matters.

_Archer: Iago the Parrot_

Despite being preoccupied, Archer could hear his role. He was actually quite happy with it. As he knew the basics of the movie, he knew that he got to crack smart-ass comments. Not to mention the feathers he had been ordered to stick to his cloak now made sense. And lastly, he got to hang out with that sweet looking angel of a woman the entire movie.

'_I think I'm gonna enjoy this.' Archer thought happily._

He then noticed that the cameraman was already aiming his camera at him. Sniper rifle included. The man didn't say anything, but the message was pretty clear.

'… _maybe I should watch my step a little.'_

_Lancer: Abu the Monkey_

Lancer got a little depressed when he heard his role. Not only had it been one of the many quite hurtful nicknames a certain redhead had thrown at him in the past, but he had the feeling there was a "butt-monkey" joke involved somewhere. Considering the director and scriptwriter he was almost sure of it.

"Now now, Lancer." Sola-Ui said in comforting tone. "Don't worry, I know you'll do a great job. And later on I'll give you some of my melons as reward, how does that sound?"

Lancer blinked at that. Sure, his secondary Master _was_ holding two sizeable watermelons in her arms, but he could have sworn that… nah, he was probably just imagining things. Little did he know…

_Rider: Genie_

A wide grin appeared on Rider's face. "Ha! Awesome! Phenomenal cosmic powers along with my manliness shall pierce the Heavens! And you even get to be my Master here, Master! This shows we are fated to accomplish great things together!"

Absentmindedly said Master was surprised how well fitting some of the assigned roles were (the Einzbern woman as evil vizier aside), as Rider shared a lot with the genie from the movie. Both were loud and boisterous, wore no shirt and had something for the colour blue.

"I have a bad feeling about this." Waver muttered silently to himself.

_Saber: Princess Jasmine_

The King of Knights was fervently suppressing the urge to scream at this point. Not only was she forced to participate in this farce of a contest for the Grail, they even had the gall to make her a princess, a damsel in distress even. The desire to chop Assassin's head off and do things with it that were unspeakable was steadily rising. However, this was the only chance to get the Grail. So she would wait. But once everything was over and done…

"Hehehehehehehe…" Saber's quite unsettling cackling drew more than one odd glance, but most of the others ignored it in favor of their own problems, there were more than enough of those after all.

Assassin raised his megaphone again.

"Okay ladies, those are the roles. Remember, if you have a problem with your assignment, sent them either to Sir Godot or bury them in the sand, it will do the same, namely nothing. And now, everyone on their post, we'll start shooting the movie in 10 minutes!"

Lancer hesitantly raised his hand. "Uh, but what about our lines? Shouldn't we get to practice them first?"

Assassin looked at Kirei. Kirei looked at Assassin. Then they both burst into laughter. "AHAHAHA, HAHAHA – you actually think we're going to do this PROFESSIONALLY? Oh man, that cracked me up… so no, we're gonna improvise the whole thing. You have about 9 minutes to think of lines that fit the plot because Kirei over here doesn't feel like sharing his script. All you get is a rough outline of what happens in the original movie."

Said priest nodded in agreement. "Indeed. I guess I could make an excuse like saying that this script also contains pictures of the glorious Bea Arthur and that I would be a fool to give it away, however, the truth is that the author simply wants to mess with you. Deal with it."

And with that the mayhem was about to start…

**A Psycho Priest and Fool Production…**

**_Waverdin_**

[SCENE: An endless desert lies before us. Nothing but sand, sand and more sand as far as the eye can see. Did I already mention the sand? Because there's a lot of it. A single figure can be seen trotting through the desert, occasionally stumbling, falling down and not getting up for a few minutes. Zooming in we see KARIYA MATOU, the PEDDLER. He greets the audience by coughing up some blood with worms in it.]

KARIYA: … urgh… Hey Sakura-chan… Have you come for a story? I know a nice one, it's about this guy who finds a magical artifact to get his wishes granted. Yes, I'll be glad to tell you more about it. It all began in a starry night in the desert… COUGH –

"What happened to the narration?" Kirei asked Assassin, who was sitting on a foldable chair which had the word "DIRECTOR" written on its back. "I remember it being a lot less script-like. And with less blood and worms too."

Assassin raised his megaphone and used it to talk to his Master, despite the fact that he was standing right next to him.

"Well, I could make an excuse like "because we lack the budget for something better" – which is true by the way – or something along the lines of "to better portray the feeling of sitting in a play" or any number of similar explanations."

Kirei raised an eyebrow, unperturbed by the fact someone was shouting into his ears with a megaphone. "And the real reason?"

Assassin merely shrugged with the shoulders. "The author of this omake is a) a really big fan of Moczo's "Shinderella" (great job Moczo!) and b) too lazy to write it differently and c) too preoccupied with his videogames to put any more effort into this."

Kirei thought about this for a moment before nodding. "That actually makes a lot more sense than pretty much everything else we do here."

[Ignoring this brief interruption and the fact that there is no Sakura-chan the narrator seems to be talking to nearby, the camera shifts to even more sand. A person in black and red is standing on a sand hill, along with what appears to be a combination of man and chicken. They seem to be looking at a giant face made out of sand. Bleach fans recognize it as the Hollow Runuganga, but according to the script it's the MIRACLE CAVE. The person in black and red is the EVIL VIZIER, IRISVIEL. At her side is her trusty pet, ARCHER THE PARROT.]

IRISVIEL: I think the man we sent into the Miracle Cave was just eaten.

[ARCHER is kneeing on the ground, crying.]

ARCHER: He was still so young! He had his entire life before him! Why gods, why would you do this?

[The MIRACLE CAVE seems to feel unwell. After a short while of moaning in pain, it throws up and spits a slightly digested KAYNETH THE STUNT DOUBLE out, who proceeds to moan and complain while being hugged by an overjoyed ARCHER.]

ARCHER: He's still alive!

KAYNETH: Dear God, it was horrible! I could feel myself being dissolved by its stomach acid! What idiot had the idea to send me in there to begin with? I'm going to make this person regret – "

[KAYNETH then finally passes out as the pain overwhelms him. The entire matter has been completely ignored by IRISVIEL.]

IRISVIEL: Hmm, we might need someone else to get the wish granting artifact for us. Oh, I well, for now there are more important things to do! Come on, it's time to bake some cookies!

ARCHER: Yes, milady! That sounds wonderful!

[The "evil" duo departs, coincidentally leaving a still very unconscious KAYNETH behind.]

[The camera shifts to the insides of LAS NOCHES, which is henceforth known as THE PALACE. In the outer area we can see a panicked WAVER running away from MAIYA THE GUARD, who is pursuing the main character while shooting at him with semi-automatic firearms. To WAVER's great luck, she hasn't hit him – yet.]

WAVER: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU USING LIVE AMMUNITION?!

MAIYA: YOU STOLE MY PANTIES! AND A LOAF OF BREAD!

WAVER: NO, I DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING! ESPECIALLY YOUR PANTIES, SO KNOCK IT OFF YOU PSYCHOTIC – AAAaaaah – !

[WAVER's complaints are cut short when he fails to notice that the ground he had been running on had a trapdoor in it. Said trapdoor has been opened by WAVER's trusty friend and partner in crime - ]

WAVER: For the last time, I didn't steal anything!

[… his partner in crime, LANCER THE MONKEY. LANCER's costume basically consist of a vest, a pair of baggy pants and an attached monkey's tail.]

LANCER: I _really_ wish I had gotten a different role… And why is there a pair of p-panties stitched onto the back of your costume?

WAVER: At least you weren't getting shot at for a loaf of bread you didn't even steal… wait, what?

[The SCRIPTWRITER KIREI briefly interrupts the consumption of his brunch snack – a loaf of bread with his beloved Mapo Tofu, which he has an entire pot of – to stare at said brunch. "I knew this bread was important for something… Oh well." He then proceeds to eat the bread again. He is hungry as stitching a pair of panties onto someone's vest is not easy when the person is already wearing the vest and a certain other person is looking for said undergarments after all.]

LANCER: We should leave before Maiya-san discovers the trap door. I dislike the thought of getting shot at…

[Waver quickly agrees (after removing the panties) and the dynamic duo (or rather, whiny duo) begins to wander through the vast outer halls of THE PALACE. After a while they reach the marketplace, which strangely enough consists only of one stand, lead by SOLA-UI THE FRUIT VENDOR. Said vendor winks at LANCER, causing his monkey tail to stiffen as if it was a rod. This is by no means a metaphor for anything else pertaining LANCER as this movie is PG rated. Kind of.]

SOLA-UI: Hey there, boys… How about it, can I interest you in my… melons? Your poor monkey seems positively… starved.

[WAVER senses that there is far more to these statements besides the promise of a fruit, but as LANCER begins to mumble something that vaguely sounds like "Imustn'trunaway, Imustn'trunaway", WAVER decides to cut the scene short.]

WAVER: Let's just get this over with… The sooner this movie is over, the faster I can get away from this madness.

[Right on cue a fanfare can be heard, even though there aren't any people to play one nearby. It probably came from the DIRECTOR's megaphone somehow. WAVER and LANCER turn around to see a quite unmoving URYUU being dragged away on a badly made wooden horse by CASTER, who is doing his best to remain unseen. It doesn't really work as the horse repeatedly falls over and drops URYUU to the ground, causing CASTER to stop and put him on it again.]

CASTER: You saw nothing.

[One very short Sharingan-powered hypnosis later…]

SOLA-UI: Oh dear, another suitor shot down. That princess really doesn't know what to look for in a guy. Unlike me…

[Deciding that he does not like the glances the FRUIT VENDOR is sending at his companion, WAVER asks for further information.]

WAVER: What princess are you talking about?

SOLA-UI: The princess of this kingdom of course. She rejects every suitor who wants to marry her, driving her poor father into despair. Personally, I think she's just insecure about her flat chest –

[Before SOLA-UI can say anything else that might end with several people getting acquainted with a certain sword, WAVER interrupts her.]

WAVER: I just remembered that I had to run an important errand. Emphasis on run. Come along Lanc – I mean, Abu. Dear god, how much more of this…

[As our dynamic duo proceeds to walk away from the one stand market, the camera skips to another part of the plot, namely the Royal Palace. It's really just Aizen's old throne room, which hasn't even been cleaned yet as one can still spot half full cups and cans of tea standing on the table. Tokiomi, THE SULTAN, is sitting on the throne and sipping on a glass of wine. So he's pretty much doing the same as always. Next to him is his most trusted advisor, IRISVIEL THE VIZIER. ARCHER THE PARROT is busy eating crackers.]

IRISVIEL: My lord, your daughter has turned down yet another suitor it would seem.

TOKIOMI: Has she now? Such a troublesome child… Really, she is nothing like how a good daughter should be. What did she do this time?

IRISVIEL: Apparently she wanted to feed her suitor to her pet tiger, but only because you forbid her to stab him like she did with the previous one. Maybe you should talk with her?

TOKIOMI: Talk with her? Why would I do that? No, I'm going to ignore her and decide what's good for her. That's what my father did, and look how I turned out.

[THE SULTAN fails to notice the grimaces on both IRISVIEL and ARCHER'S face, as both of them actually know what good parenting involves and that anyone who willingly sells his 8 year old daughter to a man who does very dubious things with worms to her. Not that THE SULTAN knows that, though the chances are he wouldn't care even if he did. Moving on. The camera now shows the lush gardens of the palace. And when I say "lush gardens" I mean a collection of white stones that look exactly like the walls around it. In fact, the only reason to even considers this spot a garden is because of the rather cheaply made wooden sign saying "GARDEN" in big letters. We can see SABER THE PRINCESS and her… loyal pet tiger…? BERSERKER THE TIGER. To appear more tiger-like he is in his Resurrección form, despite it being based on a panther. Having no budget limits one in these things.]

SABER: Why does God condemn me to suffer at the hands of those clowns…? Are my sins really that heavy?

BERSERKER: Lady, you are talking to a guy who is the sum of millions of evil souls pressed into one body. What kind of answer do you expect from me?

[At this point a toy arrow with a suction cup as head hits BERSERKER's head from behind. A note is attached to it, so he for once swallows his rage at being shot at with a humiliating weapon to read what the note is saying.]

BERSERKER: "Remember to stay in character – that means no talking." Oh, you got to be kiddi –

[BERSERKER's words remain incomplete as some kind of cross between bubblegum and glue impacts his mouth at high speed and seals it shut for the remaining time of this farce, eh, play. Where it came from is everyone's guess, but the DIRECTOR is not even trying to conceal the gun in his hands. SABER looks like she's close to an aneurysm.]

SABER: … I need to get away from here before I do something I might regret.

[SABER then proceeds to visit the marketplace, leaving a fuming and quite angry BERSERKER behind. Normally she should have been stopped by guards of course, but as the only guard in this play is still hunting a bread thief, she leaves without anyone getting in her way. The scene then returns to the throne room of the palace again, where THE SULTAN is still sipping on his wine and THE VIZIER is doing… evil… vizier stuff.]

IRISVIEL: Would you like one of the cookies I made, your highness? Archer seems to be quite found of them.

TOKIOMI: Yes, I noticed that when he started spreading crumbs all over my nice and clean floor. And no, I won't eat a cookie prepared by an enemy magus, that's like turning my back to someone after giving him a weapon myself. Do you think I'm stupid?

[The entire cast of this play (minus TOKIOMI) prefers to avoid answering this question.]

TOKIOMI: As you can see I'm busy, so go do what homunculi do when they have time.

[A dejected looking IRISVIEL leaves the throne room, ARCHER faithfully following her while still eating her cookies.]

IRISVIEL: That was just mean… I wish he would be nicer.

ARCHER: … wasn't there something about a wish granting device in the Miracle Cave?

[IRISVIEL blinks as she realizes that there was indeed something like a plot going on.]

IRISVIEL: You're right! Come one Archer! To the secret laboratory!

[One Sharingan powered illusion that made people think IRISVIEL and ARCHER reached their secret clubroom with a rollercoaster out of a certain llama related Disney movie later…]

ARCHER: Soooo… how are we going to do this? Remember, the last guy who tried to enter was almost killed by it.

IRISVIEL: I have actually thought of a plan how to get the wish granting device from the cave. The last guy who tried was too greedy and ready to use violence to get what he wanted. So we just need someone who's really wimpy and weak so he won't set off the traps.

ARCHER: What about that whole "diamond in the rough" stuff?

[At this point ARCHER THE PARROT realizes he's probably the only one who even tries to stay close to the script.]

IRISVIEL: Oh, we'll just tell that the guy we are going to send into the Miracle Cave if he asks then. No one dismisses my cookies…

[At this point casting IRISVIEL as THE VIZIER seems appropriate for the first time since this play started. In a way.

We now return to SABER THE PRINCESS who is on her quest to explore the exiting life outside the castle for the first time in her life. Of course she does so in a marketplace that can once again only be identified as such due to a wooden sign saying so.]

SABER: Once this farce is over I will never think of this war ever again. I'm actually starting to think that not even my homeland is worth suffering through these ridiculous events.

[SABER continues her "eventful" journey across the market that still only consists of SOLA-UI THE FRUIT VENDOR's stall. WAVER and LANCER THE MONKEY are still hiding from a certain gun-toting PALACE GUARD, but decide that being close to SABER might protect them or at least put them out of their misery quickly.]

SABER: If I remember this asinine plot accurately enough I should meet the… "hero" of this story somewhere around here.

WAVER: … I could actually hear the quotation marks for the word hero here. And for some reason it hurts more than it should.

LANCER: Uh… monkey noises?

[Unlike BERSERKER, LANCER had no intention of getting shot by a mouth sealing gun.]

WAVER: Thank you for that wonderful addition, Lancer. Let's just get this over with… Eh, Saber-san?

SABER: … please tell me Rider is not here with you. I don't think I could endure his presence right now without inflicting an utmost stabbing upon him.

WAVER: To be honest, I haven't seen him since the movie started. Anyway, I think I am supposed to –

[Whatever WAVER was about to say is abruptly cut off as a tranquilizer dart hits his neck, instantly putting him into dreamland. SABER and LANCER watch with a mixture of fascination and sheer incredulity how WAVER is dragged away by MAIYA THE GUARD. Once they are out of sight, SABER turns to LANCER.]

SABER: …do you by any chance know what we are supposed to do now?

LANCER: … monkey noises?

SABER: Yes, that's what I was afraid of.

[The scene changes to the sand dunes from the beginning, which can only be identified as such because KAYNETH THE STUNT DOUBLE is still lying there. Most of him anyway. Apparently not all Hollows had been kind enough to vacate the movie premises. We see IRISVIEL, ARCHER and an unconscious WAVER next to KAYNETH's partially eaten corpse. ARCHER is, once again, crying.]

ARCHER: Kayneth died!

[From his very remote position, KARIYA THE NARRATOR mutters a weak "Who the fuck cares?" before slipping into his death-like state again. Why did you think he was casted for the role with the least action?]

ARCHER: He was still so young! He had his entire life ahead of him! Why world, why are you so cruel?!

IRISVIEL: Now now, Archer. I am sure he's in a better place – or better places.

WAVER: Urgh… where am I? And why do I feel like that one time where Rider gave me alcohol at the Matou manor party?

IRISVIEL: Oh, you're awake, perfect timing. Do you want a cookie?

WAVER: Uh… thanks?

[While WAVER eats a cookie, IRISVIEL explains the plot nobody cares about to him. As it's an exposition nobody cares about, here's a commercial break.]

We see Kotomine Kirei in a running shower with only a gray towel around his waist. Also, there is an "I love Bea Arthur" tattoo on his chest in the shape of a heart.

"Hello ladies. Look at your man. Now look at me. Now back at your man, now back to me. Of course, he isn't me. But if your man joined the church and took a level in badass he could become a fraction as awesome that I am. Look down."

Kirei looked down and at the same time the scenery dissolved like the montage it was to reveal a burning city. In the background a small red-haired child could be seen stumbling through the wreckage. Kirei himself was now dressed in his usual priest clothes which had slammed into him from off-screen, somehow attaching themselves to him perfectly rather than falling to the ground as gravity demanded it.

"Look back up. Where are you?" An especially fierce gust of super heated air blew his towel away as he continued to speak. "You are at the center of a situation one cannot survive with the man who did survive it and YOUR man could try to imitate. Now look at your hand."

The priest reached into his cloak. "Back at me." In his hand was now a chimichanga. "I have it. This is the food of champions, a chimichanga." He took a bite out of it with great relish. "Look again." He said while still chewing. The chimichanga morphed into a golden cup where a suspicious black liquid was slowly flowing out of. "The chimichanga is now the Holy Grail. Everything is possible if you join the church as an executor and are as awesome as me."

The image of the camera changed once again and the burning city disappeared in favor of a familiar racing track. Kirei himself stood on the engine hood of the Mario Kart he had used a few chapters ago with Assassin driving it. The intense winds that should have ripped Kirei right off the car didn't even seem to notice him.

"I am standing on a fucking Mario Kart. Suck it Kiritsugu."

A familiar jingle could be heard as a bold lettered caption appeared, saying "THE CATHOLIC CHURCH – WHERE BADASS PRIESTS ARE BORN".

[And now back to the story.]

WAVER: So I just have to go in there and get you whatever there is at the center of the cave?

IRISVIEL: That's right. I just know that you are wimpy, eh I mean, pure enough to be allowed to enter the cave.

WAVER: And why should I actually go in there? It looks like it's going to eat me!

IRISVIEL: Actually, here's a letter for you to answer that question.

[WAVER carefully opens the letter. Only one sentence is written there and it says "Look at the camera". Waver does so and sees KIRITSUGU THE CAMERAMAN with the gun still attached to the camera aiming right at WAVER.]

WAVER: You know what, I'll do it. Not like I have anything better to do, hahaha…ha.

ARCHER: Wow, you're a really nice guy. Here, have another cookie.

[Trying to ignore the feeling of the cookie being his last meal, WAVER carefully approached the MIRACLE CAVE, which was still a Hollow. WAVER is slowly approaching him. Luckily the only dampness on his costume comes from his tears.]

WAVER: I really don't want to be in this movie anymore.

[Just as WAVER steps inside the MIRACLE CAVE, CASTER's head appears in front of the camera with his Sharingan spinning. So while WAVER walks through the digestive system of a Hollow, which is quite frankly disgusting, the watchers only see mountains of treasure.]

WAVER: … I think I have to throw up.

[After a long and arduous journey through places that WAVER will have to go through therapy to forget, he arrives at the center of the MIRACLE CAVE.]

WAVER: … seriously? All that talk about a lamp in the script and in the end it's LAGANN?! *Sigh* Let's just get this over with…

[WAVER then touches the "magical lamp", and with dramatic light and sound effects, which once again only the audience hit by CASTER's Sharingan can see, RIDER THE GENIE emerges from the "lamp".]

RIDER: Man, I am finally out of there! Seriously, as much as I like Lagann, that thing was not meant to contain so much manliness without action for so long! Oh, hey Waver, how's it going?

WAVER: I had to walk through 1 kilometer of a man-eating monster's digestive organs – HOW DO YOU THINK IT'S GOING?!

RIDER: Chill out Waver, tracking through harsh environments and braving nature is all a part of a man's soul!

WAVER: Tell that to my partially digested legs Rider! And do you know how horrifying it was to find one of Kayneth's arms down there?

"Kirei, we have a problem." Assassin shouted with his megaphone from his chair. "This is the point where the Miracle Cave collapses, but Kiritsugu's second squeeze forgot the monkey. Any suggestions?"

The priest in question looked up from his still ongoing brunch for a second, filled his plate with a second taking of Mapo Tofu before throwing the remaining pot at the "Miracle Cave" with incredible accuracy. The Hollow swallowed the very spicy food and for a moment everything was silent. Then the soul eating monster began to groan in pain as its very insides were being eaten away by the infernal dish.

"Problem solved." Kirei simply said before returning his attention to his script which in no way was porn.

[Back in the MIRACLE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM, WAVER and RIDER THE GENIE notice that a ceiling is in fact supposed to be above their heads and not trying to crush them.]

WAVER: We're doomed! We're doomed! We're never going to get out of her alive! I don't want to be digested!

RIDER: Relax, Waver! We're going to burst through the big and small intestine alike and reach for the heavens! Quick, climb in!

[Rather than climbing WAVER finds himself being stuffed into Lagann by RIDER before the hatch closes once more above them. The small mecha then begins to glow and starts its engines, indeed breaking through the Hollow's internal organs and dealing even more damage to them than Kirei's tofu. On the outside of the cave, IRISVIEL and ARCHER see the smaller getting light of Lagann.]

IRISVIEL: Oh phooey, we didn't get the wish granting device! How rude, and that after he promised and took my cookies!

ARCHER: No, stay with us Runuganga! You are too young to die!

IRISVIEL: We need a new plan, Archer. Quick, back to the secret laboratory!

[As IRISVIEL THE VIZIER and ARCHER THE PARROT return to their hideout, RIDER and WAVER land right next to the middle of nowhere. At this point WAVER doesn't even have the strength left to be scared anymore.]

WAVER: And what now? Is there really a point to this anymore?

RIDER: But of course! Just who the hell do you think I am?! I'm going to make a manly prince out of you, and if it's the last thing I do!

WAVER: But I didn't even wish for –

RIDER: Silence! Here's your costume!

[RIDER THE GENIE then proceeds to stuff a short red wig on WAVER's head along with a rather cheaply made paper mask of a young boy WAVER does not recognize.]

WAVER: How exactly does this make me a prince?

RIDER: Waver, believe in the me who believes in the you believing in this costume working! Besides, the order came from above, so just roll with it! … And now for a parade worthy of a real prince!

[A huge amount of mana begins to gather around RIDER as he prepares for his coup de grace.]

RIDER: TEAM DAI-GURREN, ROLL OUT!

[The scene changes back to the palace, where IRISVIEL and ARCHER are busy plotting their nefarious schemes.]

IRISVIEL: What do you think Archer? Should I go with or without sugar coating for the next batch?

[… VERY nefarious schemes involving cookies apparently. However, their sinister plotting is interrupted by the sound of loud music.]

IRISVIEL: Do you hear that? ARCHER: Hmphrgl?

IRISVIEL: It sounds like… a Disney rip-off. Quick Archer, to the throne room!

[The two arrive at the throne room of THE PALACE a short moment later (a little longer for ARCHER who went back to fetch some more cookies). TOKIOMI THE SULTAN is still sitting on his throne and sipping on what was either the 50th glass of wine today or still the same one from earlier. It is everyone's guess, really. SABER THE PRINCESS and LANCER THE MONKEY are also there along with BERSERKER THE TIGER, wondering where the voice is coming from. From there they can see how a procession of enormous proportions is headed their way. It appears to consist of colorful mechas of every size and shape, all of them dancing around what looks like a walking red battleship.]

KITTAN: Make way for Prince Wa-Ver!

YOKO: Say hey! It's Prince Wa-Ver!

[The rest of the song has to be cut off for copyright reasons. Because no one messes with Disney – at least not twice. WAVER is currently sobbing on the ground where the Dai-Gurren had dropped him, RIDER hiding the Lagann behind a convenient pillar before walking up next to his Master.]

WAVER: Thank god, it's finally over.

TOKIOMI: I hope you plan to clean this up before you leave. I do not appreciate the sand in my throne room.

SABER: … for some reason I feel the urge to take this man which I have never seen before to the kitchen and get to know him… intimately.

LANCER: Ano, Saber-san, your nose is bleeding again…

BERSERKER: Hmnnph! HMMPHHH!

ARCHER: Now that was a cool entrance!

IRISVIEL: Oh dear, I hope I made enough cookies for everyone.

RIDER: Well everyone, as you can see the incredibly manly Prince Wa-Ver has come to woo the princess of the country! Are there any objections? No? Then let's get to the marriage!

WAVER: Wait, WHAT?! Rider, it doesn't work that way, and why do I have the feeling that this marriage won't be as fictional as I want it to be? AND PUT THAT BIBLE AWAY KOTOMINE, I CAN SEE YOU!

Kirei sighed as he walked away from the still arguing actors. "Oh well, I guess it's time to end this omake then." The priest then walked to an unconscious Kariya, who was occasionally coughing up blood and mumbling something about 'Sakura-chan'. A quick kick to the kidney woke him up again.

"ARGH!"

"Rejoice, Kariya, for the moment of your triumph is near. All you have to do is read those lines and Sakura will be able to be with you." With these words Kirei handed the half-dead magus a script that was surprisingly enough NOT filled with porn.

"That's good…" Kariya slurred, the overall damage he was suffering from slightly impairing his abilities. "Ehem."

KARIYA: During the whole confusion however, no one noticed how IRISVIEL THE VIZIER managed to sneak behind WAVER and steal the wish granting Lagann from behind the pillar.

IRISVIEL: Huh? I did? But stealing is wrong!

KARIYA: She then proceeded to reveal her cunning plan: to become the ruler of the lands herself and force everyone to eat her cookies whether they wanted or not.

IRISVIEL: Now THIS plan I can get behind!

WAVER: Wait, what?

KARIYA: To make sure everyone would obey her word, she ordered the genie of the robot to transform her into a gigantic snake. Caster, do your stuff. … Oh, I wasn't supposed to read that.

CASTER: I swear, I am the only person who actually works around here.

GHOST NARUTO: A completely new experience for a Jutsu stealing bastard like you, isn't it?

CASTER: Shut up ghost of Naruto!

[CASTER then proceeds to bite into his own thumb before summoning a gigantic snake with his blood. Said snake is decidedly angry for being summoned into such a dry climate. Most of the actors (the smarter ones at least) decide to retreat a little.]

MANDA: Who dares summon me? And where am I?

CASTER: Be quiet, we're running out of screen time. Just do your stuff and kill everyone, makes the whole war easier for me anyway. Why didn't I summon you before anyway…?

KARIYA: However, the vile snake form of the evil vizier was quickly destroyed by the heroic deeds of Waver.

WAVER: Say what now?! I have to FIGHT that thing?!

SABER: NO, SHIROU! EX –

RIDER: Oh shi-

SABER: - CALIBUUUUUUUUUUR!

[Still in her questionable mental state, SABER pulls her holy sword and unleashes it upon the unprepared form of Manda, who consequently is obliterated along with a sizeable part of Las Noches. Luckily enough there are no inhabitants around anymore to complain.]

WAVER: Is it finally over?

KARIYA: With her snake form destroyed, the evil vizier took a last desperate gamble -

WAVER: I just had to ask, didn't I?

LANCER: That was just like saying "it can't get worse". Eh, I mean, monkey noises.

BERSERKER: Hmnmph!

KARIYA: The evil vizier commanded the genie to turn her into a wish-granting device.

IRISVIEL: Eh, I don't think I – EEEEK!

[At this point black tentacles suddenly surge from the ground and wrap themselves around IRISVIEL's body. Where they are coming from is everyone's guess at this point, although there is a distinctive chance that KIREI and ASSASSIN did something off-screen.]

IRISVIEL: BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!

[The cameraman is currently aiming at the black mass – and not with his camera.]

RIDER: I don't like the look of that thing.

TOKIOMI: My nice clean throne room! I'll never get those stains out!

WAVER: Forget your floor! We need to survive!

[By now the tentacle mass has taken on a form known to many fans of the Fate franchise as "Seihai-kun". This doesn't make the situation any less dangerous though.]

SEIHAI-KUN: What's the problem anyone?

WAVER: … that you're going to kill us all?

SEIHAI-KUN: Mou, you guys are really hopeless.

[A gigantic kitchen knife drops down from… somewhere]

MOVIE CUTTER KIT!

WAVER: … eh?

SEIHAI-KUN: Just edit the bad stuff out.

KARIYA: And with that the evil vizier was defeated and they all lived happily ever after.

WAVER: Huh?! What do you mean, that's not an ending and – WHOAH! Saber, just where do you think you're touching?!"

SABER: Don't fight it Shirou! We will complete the Prana Exchange ritual in one moment!

WAVER: Rider, help me, and stop taking pictures! HEEEELP!

THE END

_Later, at the Holy Grail War Awards_

"Bad touches…" Irisviel kept muttering as a silent Kiritsugu led her to her seat. The two were dressed in very expensive looking evening clothes, much like the rest of the Masters and Servants. Minus Kayneth of course, who was, well, dead. The hall was filled with people from Fuyuki City, who were wondering why they were even there.

Saber was also feeling quite displeased for various reasons. "I can't believe I acted so disgraceful… and that it was filmed. I just know that Assassin knew it would turn out like this." Silently, she began to wonder why she kept calling out to someone named 'Shirou'.

A red-haired young boy kept popping into her mind, much to her embarrassment.

Archer and Tokiomi were seated next to them, the Servant happily munching on one of the cookies he had managed to save from the movie set. Tokiomi was – who would have guessed? – drinking some wine while complaining about the barely adequate seats of the hall.

"I am sooo excited! Aren't you as well, Lancer?" Sola-Ui asked the Servant of the Spear while pressing his head into her melons. And for once this didn't refer to the fruits she had been trying to sell.

A very haggard looking Waver sat next to Rider. The way he kept twitching occasionally pointed to some kind of stress. By now he had, to his great relief, managed to ditch the wig and mask. "I just want to go home."

"Come on Waver, man up! This is the best part! Right after the epic battle we had with that eldritch abomination at the movie finale!"

"You mean the one no one can remember for some reason?" Waver dryly asked.

"Exactly!" The sarcasm was lost on Rider, or he just chose to ignore it.

"Urrr…" Was all that Kariya could say from his seat, which he was only barely sitting in. Next to him Berserker was still trying to get off the damn thing that made his mouth stick together.

Uryuu was standing on his seat, much to the displeasure of the ones seated behind him. Caster's hypnosis still hadn't worn off. The Servant in question was burying his face in his hands and muttering things like 'He'll go away if you ignore him.' over and over.

"_Admit it teme, you know you won't get rid of me."_

"I admit, even I think it was boring how the author just cut us off like that." Assassin said from his seat. His idea of formal wear consisted of his normal clothes with a white 'I love Bea Arthur' shirt worn over it. Right next to him, Kirei was wearing the exact same thing. The two were busy eating a king-sized portion of nachos.

"Well, what can you expect? Its not like TIM wrote this and the other guy has other stuff to do as well. Like studying - which is a code for playing Darksiders II."

"True that."

"Ladies and gentlemen," Kotomine Risei began from his position at the podium. "It's a great honor for me to announce the winner of the Fourth Holy Grail War Awards. Now, without further ado (as I don't get paid for this) let me announce the winner of the Holy Grail."

The old priest opened a sealed envelope and pulled out a sheet of paper. The tension of the audience was so thick it could be cut with a knife – which Assassin and Kirei apparently did and used to flavor their nachos with.

"The winner of the Fouth Holy Grail War Awards is…"

Everyone leaned forward in anticipitation as Risei slowly opened the envelope.

"…Matou Kariya, as Best Narrator!"

"WHAT!?" Everyone shouted in outrage, shock, and anger, while Kariya limped to the stadium with Berserker who was still trying to get the stuff off of his mouth.

"Look Sakura-chan, I won! Just like Gandhi said I would during my… nap!" Kariya shouted while waving at a still expressionless Sakura, who simply gave him a thumbs up.

Kariya's mind however interpreted this differently.

**_"Mou, I knew you could do it Kariya-tousan! You're the best tou-san anyone could have!" _**

"I know Sakura-chan~" Kariya sung out while waving at Sakura as Risei put the Holy Grail, which was strangely shaped like an Oscar, into his hand

"How can he win?!" Waver cried out while pointing at Kariya. "He hardly did anything but say a few lines and he _died_ for most of this thing!"

"It's because the author said so kid." Assassin informed him, before looking at Kirei. "Hey, TIM's writing the end of this! This is awesome!"

"Indeed, but it is too late for us to do any successful trolling." Kirei muttered with a remorseful sigh flowing from his lips. "TIM simply wishes to publish this chapter as soon as possible."

"Damn you for being impatient TIM!" Assassin yelled while shaking his fist to the heavens. "You better make up for this in the next chap of Fate:Stay Away!"

"No! Bad Kiritsugu!" Irisviel shouted while taking away Kiritsugu's rifle from his hands, ignoring Saber as she continued to sulk about her 'disgraceful loss' to Berserker and his Master. "No shooting the winner just because you are upset!"

"Do not worry Kiritsugu." Maiya muttered as she took Kiritsugu's hand. "I will comfort you tonight and make you forget of these events."

"YOU BITCH!" Irisviel yelled as she jumped from her seat to Maiya's, tackling her and making the two descend into a cloth-tearing, hair-pulling, and semi-erotic cat fight which Kirei and Assassin began to record thanks to the wonders of the handheld camera and cell phones.

**_"Say your wish."_**The Holy Grail declared from Kariya's hand, making Kariya look at it.

"Will you grant multiple requests if it is in the context of one wish?" Kariya asked the Grail in a curious tone.

**_"Indeed."_** Was the simple reply, to which Kariya simply smiled.

In the Matou Manor, Matou Zouken's eyes widened in shock before he whispered, "Rose bud…" After that, his entire 'body' and all his worm familiars burst into flames. Not that anybody in the world wept with his passing. In fact, Gaia began to contemplate on throwing a party for him finally kicking the bucket.

Aoi then suddenly appeared by Kariya's side dressed in a skimpy maid oufit with a first aid kit in her hands while giving Kariya a heart-warming smile. "How may I serve you Master?"

With that, Rin and Sakura appeared next to Kariya. Rin gave Kariya a wide smile before shouting, "Kariya-tousan!" and hugging him. Sakura still said nothing, but hugged him as well.

"W-what!?" Tokiomi shouted in shock and horror before his fine red tuxedo disappeared, dirty rags taking their place and a slip of paper was now in his hand. Tokiomi scanned over the paper before saying out loud, "You have been officially banned for life from the Association, and all your property now belongs to one Matou Kariya…"

Kariya's face filled with utter joy before whispering out, "This is the greatest day of my entire life…"

"MRPH!" Berserker's muffled shout echoed out as he now began to try and slice off the material from his mouth with his Katana, not that anybody was paying attention to him. Instead focusing on Kariya as he began to get some suggestive first-aid from Aoi.

"Don't you love a happy ending?" Archer laughed out nervously while Tokiomi continued to look at the paper and Kariya in shock and horror.

But hey, no one objected to that statement.

**To Be Continued…**

**Omake-**** Seihai-kun!**

"WAAAAAHHHH!" Caster shouted as he ran into Seihai-kun's room and cried at its feet. "SEIHAI-KUN!"

"What's wrong Caster-kun?" Seihai-kun asked as its corrupted purpled-colored contents kept dripping from its 'mouth' onto the floor.

"Ghost Naruto won't leave me alone!" Saber cried out while flailing his arms around. "I know that TIM made him to add more comedy into the series, but I just can't take him anymore! I can't go anywhere without hearing the dobe's voice" With that, Caster continued to sob on the ground while Seihai-kun looked on.

"Mou, you are so pathetic Caster-kun…" Seihai-kun chided before dropping a kitchen knife onto the floor.

**_Anti-Ghost Kit!_**

"…Huh?" Caster asked in confusion as Seihai-kun leaned down towards him.

"Use this to kill him again, there is no such thing as a ghost of a ghost." Seihai-kun whispered while Caster looked at the knife with horror.

**Note-**** Yo!, glad to give you another dose of Carnival craziness! However, all the credit should go to Sir Godot! He's the one who wrote this chapter, so thanks man! **

**Anyway, I would like to inform you guys that my fic, Fate:Zero Sense, has seem to have become so popular that several fics are trying to imitate its greatness. I'm both flattered and excited at what some of these fics offer. One that I highly recommend is Chash123's fic, _Fate: Chaos_, so go check it out.**

**Also do not forget to go and check out Farmer Kyle's _Stitches_ and Agitated Animator's _The Artist and The Faker_. Both of which were inspired by my challenges and the links to those stories are on my profile page.**

**Again, do not forget to check out Fate:Zero Sense's TV Tropes Page and add on whatever you think belongs there. **

**And do not forget to review! Reviews help my muse, so the more reviews the better!**


	4. The Frenzy Before Christmas

**I do not own the Fate series or any of the series' used here. **

_Happy holidays… happy holidays…_

"Will you turn that crap off already!?" Cole yelled out as he pointed at the speaker blaring the Christmas music. "That is the fifth fucking time today I heard that damn song!"

"Chill out Cole." Naruto intoned while setting up the Christmas lights on the bar counter. "It's the holidays. They only come once a year, so enjoy it."

"Doesn't mean I have to like listening to the Christmas songs…" Cole mumbled while going back to sipping his eggnog.

"It is supposed to be a Christmas-themed chapter, so it's logical that our introduction is Christmas-themed as well." Lelouch said with a confident smirk while his right hand held onto a power cord. He then walked to Cole and handed him the cord saying, "Hold onto this."

"Why should I…" Cole began before all the Christmas lights and the lights on the Christmas tree turned on, lighting up the mostly dark bar.

"Thanks man! Now I won't have to pay extra for electricity!" Naruto cried out while shooting Lelouch a thankful grin.

"Of course, after all I knew everything would go according to plan." Lelouch replied with a confident grin.

Cole grit his teeth and shot Lelouch an angry glare before looking at the screen and grumbling, "It's starting…"

**_Carnival Frenzy_**

Shirou looked at the directory of the mall with a look of confusion while scratching his head and thinking, _"Where should I go to first?"_

It was going to be Christmas day soon, _very_ soon. And like most teenagers his age, Shirou had left the 'buying gifts' part of the holiday for last minute. While he wasn't Christian like Rin, Luvia, and Waver, he still liked to follow the overall message that the holiday brought.

"I will leave you to your business, Shirou." Maiya spoke from next to him before walking off. "Until then, I have some business to attend to."

"Alright, see you later Maiya-san!" Shirou called out while waving at her retreating form. Once she was out of sight, he looked back at the directory and muttered out loud, "Hm, I guess I should go to Macy's first and get Sakura her present, and while I'm there I can get Saber's as well." He was just glad that he had prepared something to keep Saber busy for several hours…

**_Elsewhere (Emiya Residence):_**

Saber held the _extremely_ huge rib in her hands while she ripped the meat off its bones like a… well… a _lion_ before throwing it over her shoulder and grabbing another one. She briefly stopped and looked at the feast in front of her.

Twenty ribs, fifteen bowls of rice, seven cups of curry, two pizza pies, a bucket full of sushi, and numerous other pieces of food laid in front of her, all hand-crafted by the god-like kitchen skills of Shirou Emiya.

Saber felt a tear run from her eye down her cheek as she muttered, "This truly is the greatest day of my life…"

Getting Excalibur and Avalon didn't not even come _close_ to this!

**_Back At The Mall:_**

"Where have you been all my life?" Maiya asked in wonder as she kneeled in front of a certain store named 'Cake World'. It was a store that housed cakes along with numerous other pastry products.

To Maiya however, it was heaven on earth.

"She's doing it again…" The cashier girl whispered to her partner, who just stared at Maiya, who was now in a prayer position. After a minute of praying to the cake shop, Maiya walked in and got into line. After a minute of waiting, Maiya was now in front of the cashier. "What can I get for you today ma'am?"

"Your strawberry cake please." Maiya whispered out, while continuing to stare at the various pastries that were behind the glass. The poor cashier girl nervously nodded before quickly getting the slice of cake and began to hand it back to Maiya.

"You're in luck. This is the last piece." The teenager said truthfully before looking back at the register. "Now that will be…"

"STOP!" A loud voice protested, making Maiya turn, only to see Caster with an angry expression on her face, Souichirou standing stoically behind her. "If that is indeed the last piece of strawberry cake, then it should go to me!"

"I was here first." Maiya pointed out before throwing a wad of bills at the cashier. "And I just bought it. Thus, legally it is mine."

"You _will_ give me that cake." Caster growled out, flames seemingly appearing behind her, and an oppressive air beginning to fill the entire store.

"Go to Hell bitch." Maiya said bluntly before pulling out a handgun as Caster made a sword appear in her hands. The two then launched themselves at each other, starting the mother of all battles inside the store while everyone else ran out or went for cover.

Souichirou looked back at the cashier girl, who looked just about ready to relieve herself in fear, and asked in a monotone voice, "Can I please have a bottle of water?" apparently completely ignoring the chaos being caused by his Servant and Maiya behind him.

**_Elsewhere In The Mall:_**

"You know, you could just buy the thing Rin." Archer mentioned to his Master, who was currently putting her hands all over the glass of the jewelry store window while drooling at the miniature Santa Claus that was made out of rubies, diamonds, emeralds, and other precious stones.

Usually, this wouldn't bother Archer. But Rin had been staring at the thing for _three hours_! And the supermarket was having a holiday sale on eggnog-tasting milk! When would he get another chance to try that out? (He completely ignored the fact that it would be back next Christmas.)

"A-Are you crazy Archer?" Rin asked in a flustered tone as she looked back at her Servant, wiping away the fog on the window that she had created with her panting with her sleeve. "T-That thing is worth forty-five million yen! I cannot waste money on such a frivolous…"

"Or are you simply too poor to acquire it, Tohsaka?"

"Edelfelt…" Rin growled as she turned to see her arch-enemy smirking haughtily at her while Lancer stood next to her, wearing a _very_ skimpy maid outfit but not looking the slightest bit disturbed by it. "What do you want?"

"Hm, the craftsmanship of this is appalling. But I suppose it is understandable that you would want something like this." Luvia then smirked before snapping her fingers and shouting, "Manager!"

"Yes Luvia-sama?" The manager of the store asked as he instantly appeared by Luvia. A stainless-steel briefcase was thrust into his hands not even a second later.

"I am purchasing your establishment. I hope this small amount will cover it." Luvia intoned while the manager opened the case before closing it again, handing Luvia the deed, and skipping out of the mall singing, "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" in surprisingly fluent English. Luvia smirked and waved the deed in front of Rin. With a voice that could have belonged to a girl that had discovered her desired pony under the Christmas tree she said, "Now Tohsaka, all you have to do in order to get that horrendous thing is to beg like a dog at my feet! And be sure to wear a collar while doing it! Ohohohoho!"

"WHY WOULD I EVEN DO THAT!?" Rin shouted in an extremely angered tone while waving her arms at Luvia. "To even _consider_ me performing something like that is asking for a death sentence you rich bi-" Shirou then happened to walk by the four, holding two massive Macy bags in both his arms, making Rin shift her entire composure in a heartbeat to 'sweet and innocent' while smiling at Luvia. "I'm so glad we could meet here Luvia-san! Like the two good friends we are!"

"Rin…" Archer muttered in embarrassment while scratching the back of his head.

"Master, it is now time for 'Take Shirou to romantic lunch in order to seduce him a-'." Lancer began, only for Luvia to slap her hand over her Servant's mouth with a flustered look on her face.

"M-move that to two o'clock, Lancer!" Luvia whispered out in a flustered tone. "F-first we must purchase Shirou his own jet-liner for Christmas! That task is still not finished."

"Understood." Lancer said while taking out a small PDA. "Proceeding to move lunch to two p.m. time-slot."

"Just you wait Edelfelt…" Rin growled out as soon as she realized they were alone once more.

"Come on Rin, let's not do anything he-" Archer began before he looked to the side and saw the cats in the window of a pet-store playing with something that made his pupils dilate.

"YARN!" Archer yelled with joy as he crashed through the store window towards the ball of yarn, making Rin groan before running towards her wayward Servant.

"The task 'humiliate Tohsaka' is now cleared from your schedule Master." Lancer mentioned before checking something off her PDA, making Luvia smirk in triumph before she proceeded to run after Shirou.

She needed to know if he would prefer a private jet or a yacht!

**_Elsewhere In The Mall_****_:_**

"Sempai…" Sakura muttered as she peered through her binoculars, totally _not _stalking her love interest while he was purchasing Christmas gifts!

She also totally did _not_ take covert pictures of him while he tried out some new pairs of jeans and shirts! She would also definitely _not_ print them out in poster-size and pin them to her bedroom wall and look at during her 'private' moments…

There are a lot of things Sakura would 'not' do. Like set up that hidden camera in Shirou's shower and kick her father's grave marker on the anniversary of his death alongside Zouken's.

_"Who the Hell does that Edelfelt _slut_ think she is, talking to Sempai and holding his firm, strong arms…?"_ Sakura thought to herself while gripping her binoculars even harder, ignoring the 'crack' sound that came from them. _"When that is me, I'll…"_

"Admit it you bastard!" Assassin yelled as he grabbed the mall Santa by the neck and glared at him. "Every year, you always think you're a bigger star than me! Always sneaking past me when I fall asleep, and avoiding my awesome traps for you! I worked _hard_ to make those _Black*Star Finisher Cookies™ _damn it!"

"Please Black*Star! Let the man go!" Tsubaki pleaded to her partner with anime tears running down her cheeks. What did she do to deserve this embarrassment? "He's not Santa Claus!"

"A fat bastard with a white beard, black boots, and wears red with white trimmings. It's totally him Tsubaki!" Assassin denied while readying his fist for another strike. "And I'm going to teach him what happens when he puts the biggest star there is on the naughty list for ten years in a row!"

"Let go of Santa you meany!" A little girl shouted before punching Assassin in man's universal weak point, making Assassin's voice reach soprano before falling down, making the other children gang up on him while Tsubaki tried (but failed) to calm them all down. All the while Sakura completely ignored them while continuing to (not!) stalk Shirou.

**_Elsewhere:_**

"I can't believe that man!" Bazette grumbled as she stormed out the bookstore with an amused Avenger behind her. "'We don't have the Legend of Cu Chulainn Fourth Edition' my ass! I bet he just wanted to hide it from me!"

"Of course. Because _everyone_ wants to keep _every_ edition of that legend from you." Avenger sarcastically remarked, only to receive an enthusiastic nod from Bazette.

"Yes, it _is_ a conspiracy! They wish to keep us apart from each other!" Bazette shouted in an enlightened voice before throwing her suitcase onto the ground and opening it, revealing a miniature shrine dedicated to the legendary Hound of Ulster. There were things varying from pictures of the legendary hero to pieces of teeth and locks of preserved blue hair said to be from his very head. Which 'head' they were talking about was questionable, but apparently it did not stop Bazette from collecting it. There were also several scented candles that mysteriously lit as soon as Bazette opened the portable shrine. "Don't worry my love…" Bazette muttered as she hugged a portrait of Cu Chulainn. "They cannot keep us apart forever…"

_"Am I the only sane one in this entire war?" _Avenger asked himself before spotting one Shinji Ikari walking with Taiga next to him. _"This is my shot!"_ He then materialized his bow, summoned a random sword before transforming it into an arrow, and launched it at the 'retired' Servant.

"We never did it in a public bathroom before…" Taiga mulled over while Shinji looked at her nervously. She then smirked at Shinji before pulling him into the girls bathroom shouting, "Well, there's always a first time for everything!"

Unknown to Taiga however, she just saved her boyfriend from receiving the bad end of an arrow-sword.

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!" Avenger shouted in anger and frustration while throwing away his bow.

"Oh my God! This strange blond foreigner just got his head cut off!" A shopper shouted as he and a crowd stood over the now headless corpse of one Kayneth Archibald, his head on top of Avenger's sword and a look of extreme shock and horror on its face as blood leaked from the bottom of the head to the floor.

"NOBODY FUCKING CARES!" Avenger shouted back as he sat on one of the mall's benches and sulked.

Seriously, was Gaia doing this… this _torture_ for its own amusement or what?

Both Gaia and Seihai-kun laughed at the sheer irony of that very statement.

**_Elsewhere:_**

"Halo 4…" Waver muttered in sheer awe as he looked at the video game on the rack. "I thought these were sold out already…"

"You're in luck buddy, that's our last copy!" The cashier shouted as Waver continued to look at the game, a single tear coming into his eye.

"Get it man." Rider said as he stood beside his Master and continued to look at the game. "That thing is worthy of being Team Dai-Gurren's entertainment. Bro probably would have called it the manliest thing ever…"

Their tag-along however, was not interested in the game.

Cristina looked at her laptop and drooled as she wrote down how Rider would then embrace Waver before motioning her to come. They would then go to the back room before they…

"Are you okay ma'am?" The cashier asked, making her shut her laptop and hiding it behind her back.

"Y-Yes! W-What made you think otherwise!?" Cristina shrieked while laughing hysterically. "N-No problem here. Hahahaha…!"

"Okay…" The cashier muttered before looking back at his magazine.

"Mou, you can't take that!" A childlike voice pouted, making Waver turn to see Illyasviel glaring at him with Berserker behind her. "I want to kill the Covenant first! You can't get the game! Berserker!"

"It's no use…" Berserker muttered, making them all turn to him. "There is no use in getting that game. We will all die in the end. What use will video games be then? We will…" Illyasviel then stomped behind him, jumped up, and hit Berserker upside the head, making his mouthpiece slip on and his eyes glow blue before he _posed_. He crouched down with his arms crossed as he gazed upon Waver and Rider silently. However, if his thoughts could be projected, they would turn out like this:

**_"I am Casshern, defender of the weak and protector of Madam Illyasviel! She wishes to enjoy herself with that game, so unhand it foul villains! Or prepare to taste the awesome might of JUSTICE!"_**

A mini-explosion then seemed to appear out of nowhere behind Berserker, while Illyasviel _posed_ as well next to him shouting, "You will never be able to defeat the combined might of Snow Spirit and Berserker, so give up now or face our wrath!"

"Give up? Give up?" Rider asked before he put on his goggles and summoned Lagann. "JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!?"

**_"Eat JUSTICE villain!"_** Were Berserker's inaudible thoughts before he launched himself at Rider.

**_Outside The Mall:_**

"Well, at least I got everything…" Shirou muttered to himself as he looked at the numerous bags in his hands while standing in the middle of the parking lot. "Now where is Maiya-san? She should have come here by now…"

Suddenly, the mall began to shake before it collapsed behind Shirou, making him turn around only to see Sakura, Assassin, Tsubaki, Luvia, Rin, Archer, Bazette, and Avenger all lying unconsciously in the rubble while Caster and Maiya were in the middle of a catfight, trying to grab a piece of strawberry cake that had miraculously survived the collapse. Lancer and Souichirou stood side-by-side, watching stoically as Berserker, Illyasviel, Rider, and Waver performed a battle that was just too EPIC for words. All the while Cristina was giggling as she made even more screwed up fanfiction lemons on her personal computer.

"…Did I miss something?" Shirou asked as he looked at the whole scene in shock.

If only he knew…

**_And Now, A Special Sermon From Kotomine Kirei:_**

Kirei walked up to the podium and looked at all the church-goers before taking a deep breath and saying, "Hello Christians, I thank you for coming here on Christmas Day, ignoring the glaring fact that Christmas Day is actually several days away from the time this chapter is published."

"HALLELUJAH!" Wade cried out from the choir, all of the women there now giving him an evil eye.

Kirei nodded in agreement before continuing with his sermon. "Now, they say that we should care about all the other people of the world on Christmas Day, but we all know what it is _really_ about. Getting the shit you wanted, practically for free."

"PRAISE JESUS!" Wade shouted again with a goofy smile on his face, the women around him now seriously looking annoyed.

"But all good things must come with a great sacrifice, like spending time with family members that might totally annoy the living piss out of you. However, in the end you shall be rewarded for your troubles. On that day, you shall get most of the things you wished for." Kirei continued as if nothing was going wrong, flipping through a porno magazine while in front of his entire church that just stared back at him in shock.

"RANDOM CHURCH RELATED SHOUT!" Wade continued, now with the women cracking their knuckles while glaring at him.

"So remember, bother your parents or relatives into getting what you want and spend most of the day watching Christmas specials, hoping to avoid those annoying relatives of yours. Unfortunately that is all the time TIM allotted to me for this sermon, so that is it. May Bea Arthur be with you."

"AMEN!" Wade shouted once more, before all the women of the choir ganged up on him.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" They all shouted at once before proceeding to beat the living hell out of Wade, who shouted out 'not my dashing, good looking face!'.

"See Nii-san? Shiki?" One Kokutou Azaka asked her brother, Kokutou Mikiya, and his girlfriend (Damn that woman!) Ryougi Shiki with a slight smile on her face. "This church is never boring!"

**_And Now, Back To X-Cution Ramen Bar:_**

"Well, that was fun." Naruto mentioned with a smile as he looked around the entire bar to see the occupants performing their activities.

Cole glared at Assassin, who was attempting to put the star on the top of the Christmas tree while proclaiming his 'brightness'. Tsubaki was setting the gifts under the tree, quietly groaning over Assassin's loud voice. Cole then smirked before sending a wave of electricity through the power cord, shocking Assassin until he was completely fried.

"Indeed it was. This place never gets old." The new guest said with an amused smirk. He was an old man with red eyes and grey hair and beard. He wore a strange black suit with intricate gold buckles on the top part, and even wore a black jacket over that. On his hands were white gloves and he carried a black cane in his right hand.

His name was Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, master of the second True Magic, and the multiverse's first troll.

Zelretch continued to look around the bar to see Lelouch being in the middle of a tug-of-war between Shirley and Kallen who were in skimpy 'Santa' outfits next to a door that had a mistletoe above it, where Taiga was currently kissing Shinji at with Sola-Ui watching with an utterly furious expression on her face. At another table, Luvia was sitting with Shirou while Lancer was serving them tea with scones and Saber, who was next to them, was busy chowing down on the Christmas ham. Sakura was a table away, looking at Shirou and Luvia while gripping onto the table edge so hard that it began to crack. Kariya was right next to her, passed out and bleeding from the mouth on the table while Grimmjow kept slapping him _hard_ on the back in his own attempt to wake him up.

Rin was at another table, talking animatedly to her father Tokiomi and her mother Aoi while Archer and Vash fought over the last doughnut that was on their table. Next to them was Uryuu, dressed as Santa Claus with Illya on his lap while both Berserker and Kiritsugu loomed over him with a clenched fist and a loaded Glock respectively. Irisviel smiled as she took a picture, ignoring Sasuke who was dressed as an elf swinging his sword at the apparition of Ghost Naruto. At a table next to them, Maiya was sharing an entire strawberry cake with Caster while Souichirou looked at them with his usual… vibrant… expression.

On a couch and in front of a seventy-inch, plasma screen TV were Rider, Waver, Kamina, and Wade playing Super Smash Brothers Brawl with extreme fervor. Kirei was sitting on the couch next to them, sipping a beer while his father opened another can with a small smile on his face. Cristina was watching Rider, Waver, and Kamina with a small amount of drool coming out of her mouth as she continued to type on her computer. In a dark corner of the bar, Bazette continued to make out with a 'life-sized' replica of the Hound of Ulster while Avenger put his hands onto his face in embarrassment.

"Too bad it has to end." Naruto said with a sigh as he continued to wipe a glass.

"Are you kidding boy? It has just begun." Zelretch said with a smirk before looking at the 'audience'. "Happy Holidays, everyone."

**_Merry Christmas from the Beta-Reader_**

"Hmm? What's this? We're still being written?"

One Kirei Kotomine looked at the readers in surprise, having already begun his personal version of the holidays by wearing nothing but boxers and a large t-shirt with a picture of Bea Arthur printed on it.

From behind a couch that was covered with empty potato chip bags and flattened beer cans, Wade perked up. "Seems like the beta-reader decided to interpret his orders to "add on whatever he thinks would make it funnier" by writing something on his own again."

"Say, Assassin?" Kirei said as he easily predicted where this was going. "Do you feel a song coming?"

Wade jumped next to Kirei from behind the couch, on his head a top-hat and in his hand was a cane he had gotten from who-knew-where. He was also wearing an expensive looking tuxedo – or at least the upper part of one, as he too was only wearing a pair of boxers on his legs.

"I thought you'd never say it, buddy!"

"Well, you know how it is. Rewriting stuff is probably the only thing Sir Godot's ever been good at."

"Ouch, that's harsh dude. But then again, he IS a college student…"

With that the lights in the room dimmed and suddenly a spotlight fell on the two.

"It's showtime!"

[Read this song to the music of "Oogie Boogie's Song" from Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas". Enjoy!]

**_The Trolling Song_**

[Kirei]

Well, well, well!

What have we here?

A Christmas Song, huh?

Can't say I dislike that!

So Wade, why don't we do our stuff,

You know, trolling everyone!

Ha, ha, ha!

[Wade]

It's awesome! It's awesome!

I can't believe my eyes!

You're shittin' me! You gotta be!

This is one hell of a holiday time!

It's funny! It's epic!

I don't know where to start!

I might just prank call Saber now

If I don't troll someone other first!

[Kirei]

Mister Evil Priest here says

That trouble's close at hand!

So you'd better pay attention now

'Cause I'm the Big Bad for this!

And if you aren't quakin'

Then tell me and it won't be very long!

'Cause this is just the start for us

And our epic trollin' song!

Whoa oh!

[Three of the children Kirei keeps in the basement]

Whoa oh!

[Kirei]

Whoa oh!

[Zelretch]

Whoa!

[Wade]

Whoa oh!

[Hazama]

Whoa oh!

[All together]

I'm (he's) Eviler Than Thou!

[Wade]

Well, if I'm feelin' antsy, and

There's lots of stuff to do

So I might just make a special batch

Of Merlin's you know-what-brew!

And once it's done I'll send it Saber

And make her drink it, her not being wise.

Shirou boy will be surprised,

About this little bedroom spice!

[Basement Children]

Whoa oh!

[Kirei]

Whoa oh!

[Zelretch]

Whoa oh!

[Wade]

Ohh oh oh!

[Hazama]

Whoa oh!

[Kirei]

Yeah!

[All together]

I'm (he's) Breaking the Fourth Wall!

[Saber, at the Emiya Residence]

I feel a disturbance in the force,

It tells of dire consequence!

There is this urge to cut the old Assassin up,

But that's utter nonsense!

[Kirei]

Ha! It's crazy! It's awesome!

I can't believe my ears!

If only Kiritsugu were here,

He'd be drowning in his tears!

It's funny! I'm laughin'!

We're really popular and that's a fact!

And now, to start the trolling,

It's time for the main act!

[Wade]

What are we going to do?

[Kirei]

We're gonna do what we're best at!

Ha! Yeah!

Whoooah!

The sound of breaking hearts

To me is music in the air!

'Cause I'm fucking evil

And don't need to play fair!

It's a lot of fun, I must confess

To make people dance like toys!

And they're all none the wiser 'cause of TIM,

It brings my black heart joy!

[Wade]

Release the hounds and set the sails!

Let's give them something to remember!

[Kirei]

I can't wait to feed them to the Grail,

Not to mention Rin!

She still isn't comprehending

The position that she's in!

It's perfect! It's grandiose!

They haven't got a prayer!

'Cause I'm the local priest here,

Thus praying ain't gonna get them nowhere!

**To Be Continued…**

**Note:**** Yo! It's TIM here giving you guys the holiday special of Carnival Frenzy with the _very_ great musical and beta talents of Sir Godot! However, I would like to give a moment of silence to all the victims of the Newtown School Shootings and their families. They need all the support they can get after this terrible tragedy.**

**….**

**….**

**….**

**….**

** It is the first chap with the exaggerated Fate:Stay Away characters, so tell me how I did and where I can improve. I want to make these guys as funny as possible.**

**Also remember to check out my challenges and the challenge takers, all of which are on my profile along with links to the theme songs of the Servants. Go and check them out.**

**Also, remember to check out Fate:Zero Sense's TV Tropes page and add on whatever you deem appropriate to be on it.**

**And review! Reviews fuel my muse, so the more reviews the better. **

**Happy holidays everyone around the world!**


	5. Carnival Frenzy: The Animation

**I do not own the Fate series or any of the series' used here.**

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!" Cole sobbed out as he chugged down another bottle of good ol' Captain Morgan before throwing it to the floor. Naruto looked nervously at the man while Lelouch sighed and patted him on the back.

"It's alright MacGrath. It'll only be a matter of time before someone picks up your story…" Lelouch mumbled before Cole swatted his hand away.

"No, there won't be!" Cole shouted before reaching over the counter, grabbing another bottle of alcohol, and opened the bottle. After he chugged down its contents, Cole threw the bottle to the side and shouted, "My game has never been popular! Have you even _seen_ how many stories are on this site? Nobody will want to pick my story out because my very _character_ is not popular enough! My life is _over_!"

"Are you even going to pay for those?" Naruto asked, only for Cole to sob even harder while Lelouch inched away.

"Now come on my good man, give this guy a break!" A joking voice cheekily shouted, making Naruto look to the side to see a man in a red jacket, long sideburns, a dark blue shirt, a yellow tie, cream pants, and brown shoes flashing him a toothy grin.

"Who are you?" Naruto asked, only for the guy to flash him a toothy grin.

"Name's Lupin my good man!" Lupin shouted before digging into his pocket and throwing on the table a handful of gold coins. "Fellas, the drinks are on me! Going to be staying here for a while."

"Great, another one…" Naruto groaned before Lupin reached over the counter and grabbed a bottle of wine.

Lupin then turned to the 'screen', flashed the 'viewers' a toothy grin, before shouting, "It's starting!"

**_Carnival Frenzy_**

Fuyuki City was quiet at night. And not just because of the fact that most _sane_ people would be staying asleep at midnight (The few exceptions being some teenagers browsing the net or some brats who want to watch a scary movie.). No, it was quiet for another reason.

You see, this normally peaceful Japanese City was quiet because there were no battles between Legendary Heroes taking place.

Fuyuki City was the host of a grand battle known as the Holy Grail War. Legendary Heroes are brought back to life by Magi to do glorious battle for the ultimate prize: The Holy Grail. Normally, the nighttime was the ideal hour to perform these battles.

So why was everything so eerily still and quiet?

"BURP!"

What the Hell?

"WOOOHHHOOO!" Wade shouted as he put his face closer to the microphone before shouting, "Come on people, it's been two months since this thing has been updated! It's time to partly like there is no tomorrow!" The former Assassin was wearing a red and black hoodie, baggy black pants, and his head covered by a black cap that had the symbol that was worn on his belt in the middle of his forehead. On his neck were several gaudy gold necklaces, otherwise known as 'bling' in some circles.

"But there isn't a tomorrow, remember?" Kirei reminded, flashing Wade a grin. He was in his usual priest clothes, but his head was covered by a black cap that spelled out the words 'CRUNK' in big white capital letters.

"Eh, details, details." Wade responded while shrugging as he looked around the bar.

Yes, they were in the bar. Kirei had decided to have a temporary ceasefire day between the Masters and Servants and had invited all of them to a nearby bar to relax and unwind.

So far, most of the partygoers have all somehow gotten drunk. Even the underage teenagers! (Not that they knew that. Kirei slipped something into all of their drinks.) The only one _not_ drunk was Archer, who just sat in his comfy chair by the dartboard while watching everyone else with an amused grin on his face as he drank his milk.

"Whelp! Time to do our jobs!" Wade suddenly declared, holding a record that was labeled 'Persona 3'. "I mean, what's a party without music?"

"I couldn't agree with you more." Kirei said with a smirk as he grabbed the record and put it on the turntable. "Now we're going to party like rock stars!"

**_Play Persona 3 OST- Burn My Dread:_**

"I have never been so *hic* disgraced in my life!" Saber cried out, anime tears falling down her cheeks as she pushed the huge beer mug to the side, a new one instantly sliding to her hand. One could notice that her cheeks were flushed, and she was ever so slightly swaying from side to side on her stool. "On every battle of this War, I have been nothing but a joke! All the Servants… they outmatch me in almost every way!" She then grabbed the mug and threw her head back as she chugged the alcoholic contents before setting it back down, completely dry.

"I-I *hic* understand…" Avenger muttered, sitting beside her as he downed another martini. "But do you *hic* know what it's like to be against _fictional_ heroes? How the Hell is it even possible that they exist?"

"Not only that, but my *hic* own allies win all the fights for me!" Saber whined as she chugged another beer mug. "T-The fact that all the women in this war have bigger breasts than I do is just rubbing salt in the wound!" She then cupped herself for emphasis, crying as she did so. "I-It's not my fault that I became this way! *hic* I-If Avalon did not stop my aging, I would have beaten them _all_! I know it!"

"I mean, how can I face _Simon the Digger_?" Avenger complained as the bartender refilled his martini. "He can throw fucking _galaxies,_ and he beat the Anti-Spiral by _punching_ it! I-I'm not GAR enough to beat something like that!"

"Even _Lancer_ beats me, and she is *hic* younger than Shirou!" Saber sobbed out while planting her face on the counter. "Why? Why must I be put in a war full of fools and powerhouses? Are my sins so great that you feel like you must torture me so, God?"

"Please, you think God is in control here?" Wade laughed over the music. "You're disillusioned there, Artie!"

"Indeed. Take from myself, a priest, that there is no God. There is only TIM." Kirei declared. He paused before speaking again, adding an afterthought. "And Bea Arthur. Though the latter is the only one truly fit for worship."

"Amen to that!"

Saber and Archer were too busy drowning themselves in alcohol to pay attention to the duo's words as they shared a brofist. They simply continued to whine and complain.

"I know I deserve a lot of crap for what I did in life, but even I think this is too much!" Avenger shouted while shaking his fist to the heavens. "I just want to kill my past self to prevent me from ever becoming a hero! Is that so much to as-?" Realization then appeared on Avenger's face as he muttered, "Oh…"

"Y-you understand my pain…" Saber muttered as she gazed upon Avenger, She then pulled him into a hug before shouting, "We are true siblings to the torture tha-KYAH!" She then pushed off Avenger, who was now looking at his hands with his cloudy eye and a confused expression on it. "W-what do you think you're doing you fool!?"

Avenger said nothing, but instead reached out with his right hand and copped a feel of Saber's bust, only for her to swat it away after a second. "…Huh? Sakura…" Avenger muttered, now looking at Saber while swaying from side to side. "…What happened to your breasts…?"

Saber's face went bright red from righteous anger and embarrassment. This man had the _gall_ to grope her, and he was now mistaking her for another girl?

Such a crime cannot go unpunished.

"GAO!" Saber let out a cry of fury before tackling Avenger to the ground, making the Servant snap out of his drunken haze.

"S-Saber? What are yo-OH GOD NO! PLEASE, STOP! GHHHHAAAA!"

Despite Avenger's screams of pain, nobody paid him any mind.

**_Elsewhere In The Bar (Play Persona 3 Portable OST- Wiping All Out):_**

Waver bit on the cigar in his mouth (not lit, since the bar doesn't allow for smoking) and sorely wish that anti-smoking laws weren't so damn strict. He looked at his hands and thought only one thing:

_"This time, the pot is mine!"_

Yes, currently Waver Velvet was gambling. He was gambling all the money he had managed to save on his trip to Fuyuki City, in hopes of getting a bit of spending money.

Unfortunately, things were not going well for him.

The cause of that being the two people in front of him and the one to his right side. In front of him were two people whose _normal_ expressions were their goddamn poker faces! He couldn't tell if they were bluffing during a hand or completely serious! Waver looked up from his cards to see if they were (however unlikely it was) slipping up.

Maiya and Souichirou continued to look at their cards, not saying a word and their blank expressions not changing. Hell, they didn't even _blink!_

"Hurry up! Y-your hesitation is causing my Master distress!" The angry redhead to his side shouted, making Waver turn his head to see Caster glaring at him with her cheeks flushed, her hands slightly drooped, making him see that she had three black twos, a Jack, and an a three. Meaning that she had a Three of a Kind.

While Caster had made it easy for him to see what she had, her aggravated drunken state did not. She always broke his concentration, always making his own poker face slip up and making it easier for Maiya and Souichirou to tell if he was bluffing!

_"But no, I can't give up no matter what!"_ Waver shouted in his mind, looking at his two enemies with a determined expression on his face. _"Members of Team Dai-Gurren never give up! We kick logic out and do the impossible! That's how we roll!"_

"Call." Souichirou said blandly, making Waver gulp before he nodded.

"Raise." Waver declared, throwing two extra chips to the center of the table.

Maiya tapped the table two times before saying, "Call."

"All in!" Caster declared, pushing all her chips to the center of the table. The Servant then placed her hand on the table and proudly shouted, "Three of a Kind!"

"Flush." Maiya announced before putting her hand on the table, showing that she had a Jack, an eight, a five, a three, and a two.

Waver then grinned. This was his chance! He placed his cards on the table and spoke, "Full House!" The cards that he had were three Kings and two Fives.

He had been keeping the cards a secret for most of the round, not letting Caster's drunken rants get to him. He was able to keep his poker face mostly straight, and it looks like it was going to pay off! He was going to get the _good_ cigars tonight!

"Four of a Kind."

"Huh?" Waver muttered as he looked at Souichirou's hand, revealing four Queens and a three. Waver groaned as he palmed his face towards the money he had just watched while Souichirou gathered the chips from the pot.

"Oh Master, I knew you would succeed!" Caster gushed as she hugged Maiya. "Those who are a part of Fairy Tail will always triumph!"

"Please let go of me." Maiya growled out in annoyance, making Caster push her away.

"How dare you try to disguise yourself as my Master?" Caster shouted in anger as she glared at Maiya, her eyes promising unbearable agony for the woman.

Waver sighed before he found his glass of scotch refilled. He looked to his side to see Cristina smiling while holding the bottle. "Thank you. You are a _lifesaver_." Waver then began to down the glass while Cristina just nodded.

"Of course husband. I'm sure that you'll win eventually." Cristina said with a soothing voice before walking back to her chair, where her laptop awaited. As soon as she opened it, she began to write more about the poker game.

Only with some… _slight_ changes.

Some involving the removing of clothes, among… other things.

**_Elsewhere (Play Persona 3 OST- Burn My Dread {Last Battle}):_**

Rider grinned as he looked at his opponent before shouting, "Prepare yourself you bastard!" He then threw an object into the air, spinning as it went up, and landed onto the smooth table a second later as Rider shouted, "GGGGHHHHHHAAAAAA!" before…

He hit the air hockey puck to Berserker.

Berserker's eyes sheened in their usual bluish-white color before he _posed_ with his arms crossed, his inaudible thoughts conveying…

**_"No, it is you who should prepare foul villain! For with this strike, I will win in the name of JUSTICE!"_**

In the flash of light, Berserker hit the puck back to Rider, who intercepted it just as fast as him. The two continued to hit the puck back and forth on the air hockey table, their forms becoming nothing but blurs as they continued playing,

Then, Rider twisted his arm to hit the puck, making it bounce at an angle that made it so fast that not even Berserker could catch it. As it sunk into the goal, Rider smirked before going to the chalkboard behind him.

_Rider- 999_

_Berserker- 999_

Rider added one more point to his score before turning to Berserker, grinning as he took the now smoking puck and held it up while asking, "You ready for another round?

Berserker nodded, giving Rider a thumbs up while his thoughts conveyed this message:

**_"An ally of JUSTICE will never surrender or retreat!"_**

From across the room where he was seated, Archer calmly sat in his seat as he watched the epic battle between the two most powerful Servants in the War unfold.

"It's crazy how the puck hasn't touched the table once during the match so far..." Archer noted as he sipped his glass of milk. He had his doubts that either of the two Servants knew how to play the game correctly.

**_Elsewhere:_**

"Alright! Time for the King's Game!" Illyasviel cheered as she held up the chopsticks, her face flushed as she motioned to Shirou, Luvia, Sakura, and Rin. "You know the rules! Whoever gets the red one is the king!"

"Miss…" Shirou muttered in a husky voice to Sola-Ui, dressed in a maid's outfit while carrying a small tray. He held up his glass before saying, "Fill her up, and keep them coming…"

"…Just how drunk are you, Emiya?" Rin muttered before looking back at Illyasviel. "L-Look! We can't play this now! W-What if we…"

"Are you scared Tohsaka?" Luvia sneered out as she smirked with a haughty expression on her face. "To think that the Tohsakas even quake in their boots towards a simple game…"

"I-I'm not scared!" Rin declared, her face beet red as she glared at Luvia. "I-I'm just not a big pervert like you Edelfelts!"

"It does not matter, because I will be king!" Sakura declared as she got onto her feet and pumped her fist into the air. "I will have Sempai all for myself! And my demand will be for him to have his wa-"

"MOU! JUST PICK YOUR NUMBER ALREADY!" Illyasviel yelled out, making everyone look at her before instantly reaching out and grabbing a chopstick. Illyasviel then smiled before asking, "Now, who is the king?"

"Not me…" Rin muttered as she looked down on her chopstick, the end having a number rather than a red mark.

"Not me…" Luvia sighed out in disappointment.

"Damn it!" Sakura declared as she glared at her chopstick. "Then who is…"

**_Play Persona 3 OST- Mass Destruction-_**

"Hmph." Shirou declared confidently as he turned around and looked down at all the girls as he held out his chopsticks, the end having a red marker. "I'm the king."

"NO WAY!" Rin shouted as she pointed at Shirou. "Redo it!"

"No!" Illyasviel shouted while flailing her arms around. "There are no redos in the game!"

"What are your demands, my noble king?" Luvia asked dreamily while Shirou smirked.

"Number four…. Must suck face with me!" Shirou declared, making all the girls go wide-eyed at him. What happened to the normal, clueless Shirou?

Sakura, it seemed, couldn't care less. "I'm number four!" Sakura shouted as she skipped over to Shirou before she sat on his lap and cupped his face. "Sempai…" She then crashed her lips onto his, and hummed happily as he hugged her closer.

"Okay, that's enough…" Rin muttered as Shirou and Sakura continued to kiss. "You can stop now…" She said in a much more annoyed tone, while they kept on playing tonsil hockey. "WILL YOU TWO CUT IT OUT!?"

The two broke apart, but Sakura kept sitting on Shirou's lap while the boy's face adopted a haughty expression. It looked odd on one who was normally so polite and dense.

"What are your other demands?" Illyasviel asked with a dreamy expression on her face, now imagining herself in the place of Sakura, while Shirou just smirked.

"Number three must allow me to spoon her!" Shirou shouted, making Rin gape at him. Did becoming drunk unleash his inner pervert or something?

Luvia smiled happily before she walked over to Shirou and pushed Sakura to the side with a small bump. She then leaned on his right side while Shirou's arm snaked around her. Luvia sighed happily before she muttered, "If only Saber were…" Her eyes then snapped open before she stuttered out, "Y-You didn't hear that!"

"Come on! Who goes next?" Illyasviel whined, while Shirou stopped to think.

"Number one… must twirl her skirt in front of me!" Shirou shouted, making Rin look at her chopsticks. _Her_ number was number one!

"N-No way!" Rin denied while looking away with a blush on her face. "I-I won't do it you pervert!"

"The king's orders are…" Illyasviel began while glaring at Rin.

"ABSOLUTE!" Shirou finished for her, making Rin let out a small 'eep' before she hesitantly nodded and stood up.

"T-this is because I wanted to alright?" Rin stuttered out while glaring at Shirou. "N-Not because you told me to!" She then twirled around like a ballerina, feeling her small skirt begin to rise up because of the wind and causing her to blush heavily. She then stopped, turning to Shirou who only gave her an approving nod.

"I like stripped panties." Shirou announced, making Rin look down while twiddling her feet.

"So? So? What do I get my king?" Illyasviel asked in an excited voice as she jumped in her seat. Would he perhaps sweep her off her feet like he did with Sakura? Or perhaps he would give her a nice soothing back massage? Or maybe a foot massage! Each possibility was better than the last.

Shirou gave her a big, bright smile before saying, "The king says that you shall receive… a piggy back ride!

…and then all her dreams crashed and fell like broken glass.

**_Elsewhere (Play Persona 3 OST- Heaven's Remix):_**

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh _crap_!" Assassin shouted as he ran to the bathroom, his arms clutching his stomach and his face dangerously green. "I-I don't think I can…!" His cheeks then bulged and his hands covered his mouth, while Tsubaki followed behind him with a distressed expression on her face while she held a paper bag in her hands.

"J-Just hang on Black*Star! We're almost there!" Tsubaki yelled, however in her mind she was crying. Why didn't her partner listen to her when she told him to stop gorging down all the bar snacks and drinks? "J-Just hold on a bit longer!" Assassin's cheeks debulged while he gasped for air, making Tsubaki think, _"Gross…"_

Assassin then spotted the bathroom door, near a wall where Sola-Ui was leaning against with a scowl on her face. He rushed past her, with Tsubaki at his heels, before kicking open the door. Assassin ran to the first bathroom stall and opened it to see…

"Oh my beautiful Hound of Ulster…" Bazette muttered as she hugged the person-sized pillow closer to her, the image of Cu Chulainn in modern-day pajamas printed on it. She drew her face closer to the pillow's 'face' before muttering, "We will finally be together…" She then buried her head into the pillow, making audible kissing sounds.

"GAH!" Tsubaki cried out before slamming the stall closed before pushing the Assassin to the next one. "D-Do it in here!" She then opened it…

…Only to find Ikari Shinji and Fujimura Taiga barely clothed and making out. Tsubaki blushed as red as a tomato while Assassin heard a slight *thump* noise from above. He looked up to see Lancer peeking out of the air ducts, holding a camera with a small light flashing red, confirming that she was recording the scene.

Assassin stared at Lancer.

Lancer stared back.

Assassin continued to stare at Lancer.

Lancer continued to stare back.

Assassin blinked.

Lancer did not.

At this point, Assassin looked back down before slowly closing the stall door. He then to the next one and shouted, "I don't care who's in it! I'm going to blo-urk!" Assassin's cheeks then bulged as he opened to door before letting loose what he had for dinner…

...All over one Matou Shinji, who was in the process of pulling up his pants.

"GAH!" Matou Shinji shouted as he ran past Assassin and Tsubaki, the Noble Phantasm just blinking in shock at the scene.

"What…?" Tsubaki began, but then she noticed Assassin swaying side to side before falling over. "Black*Star!" She then caught her Meister before he hit the floor, the Servant snoring as he lay in her arms. "Oh…" Tsubaki muttered with a small smile on her face before she hefted Assassin on her back in a piggyback ride, slightly blushing at the contact. "Okay, I think it's time that we go ho-KYAH!" Two hands then grabbed her breasts, making Tsubaki shout in shock while Assassin drooled on her shoulder.

"Yeah, ain't so tough now are ya, you big marshmallow…" Assassin muttered sleepily before he was dropped to the floor, and ten shurriken embedded into his head. "GGGAAAAAHHHHH!"

Needless to say, the janitors were going to be pissed in the morning.

**_Elsewhere:_**

"That damn Servant!" Matou Shinji ranted as he stomped out of the bathroom; barf covering most of his bottom half as he headed for the door. "How could he do this to me, his better? When Sakura gets home, I will…"

"TAKE THIS!" Rider shouted as he hit the puck harder than ever before, making the thing shoot forward like a bullet and Berserker jump out of the way to save himself. "Oh crap, look out!"

"Huh?" Matou Shinji asked as he turned around, only for the puck to go through his face and out of the back of his head. It continued on out of the bar, crashing through the window, while Matou Shinji's corpse flopped to the ground.

"Crap, now we have to clean that up!" Wade whined out while everyone shrugged and went about their business, as if nothing happened.

"Well, we know where this is going…" Kirei muttered as he began to drag Matou Shinji's corpse to the trash bin.

**_Meanwhile:_**

The puck continued to fly in the night sky, leaving a trail of fire and smoke as it continued on. It passed by a crane, snapping its cable in half as it continued onwards into space. The item formerly held by the crane, a piano, plummeted to the Earth.

At this moment, Kayneth Archibald noticed a shadow forming over him growing bigger and bigger, causing him to look up and say the only intelligent thing he could.

"OH WHAT THE F-"

A moment later, it was discovered that the piano was finely tuned, and that the sound of its keys blocked out the sound of Kayneth's corpse being splattered under it.

**_Back At The Bar:_**

"Kayneth just died." Wade mentioned as he looked through the various records inside of the box near him, not sounding all that concerned.

"Who the fuck cares?" Kirei said in a tone that basically relayed the fact that he didn't give a shit. He continued to hit and stomp on Matou Shinji's corpse in an attempt to fit it completely inside of the garbage can. "The problem is that this chapter's coming to a close."

"Aw man! That's way too damn short…" Wade whined out before shrugging. "Ah well, might as well enjoy it while it lasts…"

**_Elsewhere:_**

"Yo, Archer!" Rider shouted, walking to the relaxing Servant who looked up at him. "Lost the puck that I was using to play against Berserker. You wanna play a game of darts?"

Archer thought about this for a second. On one hand, it was fun enough to watch everyone act all crazy while they were drunk. On the other hand, it would be nice to actually play a game with someone. Archer then smirked before nodding at Rider. "Sure! But I won't go easy on you!"

"Just don't get distracted for a second! I won't go easy on you either!" Rider laughed out before noticing Archer glaring at him. "What?"

"Just because I have cat-like eyes and my nickname is Black Cat, it doesn't mean I'm totally like a cat!" Archer shouted, flailing his arms around. "I just like milk okay? I won't get distracted easily like a…" Archer's head then snapped to the side as a small *tweet* emanated from a phone before he suddenly shouted, "Bird! Bird! Bird!" He then stopped for a second before looking back at Rider, who just raised an eyebrow at him. "Just get the damn darts…"

"GAH! Saber, stop biting me damn it! It hurts!" Avenger wailed out while Saber kept biting his head, not letting go as he kept trying to dislodge her.

**_"You foul villain! How dare you woo these fair maidens and yet ignore madam Illyasviel?"_** Berserker's thoughts rang out as he hugged Illyasviel, who glared at Shirou who was reclining against the couch with Sakura hugging him, his right arm spooning Luvia, and a blushing Rin sitting on his lap.

"It's because…" Shirou muttered as he gazed upon Berserker and Illyasviel, his eyes shining with absolute conviction. "…I am the king…"

"Damn it! That's everything I have!" Waver cried out while banging his fist against the table, Souichirou collecting his chips and Maiya cashing in hers. Caster was sleeping on the table, drool coming out of her mouth as she did.

"Recording complete." Lancer declared as she stealthily went out of the bathroom before looking at Sola-Ui with a blank expression on her face. "Pilot Ikari is currently awake while Fujimura is recovering. You may proceed to join in their coupling if you wish. I wish to… review… my research." She then walked away, ignoring the beaming Sola-Ui who quite literally skipped into the bathroom.

"Hmph! That's what you get Black*Star!" Tsubaki huffed out as she dragged Assassin's bloody form from behind her out of the bathroom doors. "You should know better than to grab a woman there…" Tsubaki then blushed before she muttered, 'Even if it did feel good…"

Yup, just a regular night in Fuyuki City…

**Omake-**** Seihai-Kun! **

"WWAAAAHHH!" Illyasviel yelled as she ran into Seihai-kun's room and cried at its feet. "SEIHAI-KUN!"

"What's wrong Illya-chan?" Seihai-kun asked as its purple-colored corrupted contents poured out of its 'mouth'.

"Onii-chan and the other Masters are taking up my screen time!" Illyasviel cried out while waving her arms around. "There are entire chapter dedicated solely to Onii-chan and his girls while I only get a section dedicated to me in some chapters! It's not fair! I'm the token loli of the Fate series!" Illyasviel then sobbed into her hands as Seihai-kun looked on.

"Mou, you're so pathetic Illya-chan…" Seihai-kun chided before dropping a kitchen knife onto the floor.

**_Screen Time Extender Kit! _**

"….huh?" Illyasviel asked in confusion as Seihai-kun leaned down towards her.

"Just kill the other Masters for more screen time." Seihai-kun whispered to Illyasviel, who just continued to look at the knife in shock.

**End Omake.**

**Omake****- Would the Real King Please Stand Up? (Courtesy of Kiiam)**

"It's because…" Shirou muttered as he gazed upon Berserker and Illyasviel, his eyes shining with absolute conviction. "…I am the king…"

"MONGREL!"

The music scratched to a halt as a haughty, arrogant voice cut through the bar. Every Servant and Master turned as one to stare at the person who stood at the entrance of the bar. His golden hair stood up and his body was covered in shining golden armor, blood red eyes homing in on the boy who aspired to be a hero of justice as he sat on the couch, not budging under the intensity of the man's gaze nor taking his hands off the ladies that were pressing themselves against him.

"Oh hey! It's the guy I replaced!" Wade exclaimed in mild surprise. "Why is he here…?"

"As this is a Carnival Phantasm short, his sudden appearance need not be explained nor should it have to make sense. This fact couldn't be truer since this is an Omake." Kirei smiled, relaxing as he watched the events unfold in front of him.

"You dare to proclaim yourself the king when there is only one true bearer of the title?" Gilgamesh scoffed, looking at Shirou as if he were a bug about to be crushed underfoot. "Your tongue betrays you, and your foolishness warrants the highest of punishments. However, I _might _be willing to extend mercy to you if you get down on your knees and beg like the dog you are. Well, mongrel? Bow before the TRUE king!"

Most men would cower and tremble in the face of such an aura that the King of Heroes possessed. Not Shirou though. No, whatever Kirei had slipped into his drink had completely expelled and robbed him of the ability to feel fear, and having Sakura, Luvia and Rin hanging off of him like they were had capitalized his confidence and conviction to levels that might actually match the Gilgamesh's ego. So, pulling the corners of his lips up to smirk at the one who tried to challenge his place in the bar, Shirou responded to his adversary.

"I am the king."

Gilgamesh's eyes widened for a fraction of a second before his expression cooled and his lips curled to sneer at the boy who had the GALL to talk back to him.

"Disgusting dog… do you not know whom you speak to? Do you not realize your own peril by challenging me, the King of Heroes? You don't-"

"I AM the king!" Shirou repeated, making Gilgamesh's eye twitch at being interrupted. Normally at this point the king of Uruk would rended the boy's body to pieces with swords from his vault, but stopped as Shirou held up something in front of him. "This proves it!"

Clutched tightly in his hand, Shirou held up the chopstick like a beacon, it's marked tip visible for all to see.

Shirou frowned when the King of Heroes gave a derisive chuckle.

"Ha… you think that is proof of your kingship? You amuse me, mongrel. Besides, just like you, that is a fake. Let me show you the original…"

Gilgamesh held up one golden gauntlet as the air above it shimmered. A golden light rippled through the air before a thin, gold stick with a marked tip appeared in Gilgamesh's hand. He smirked and held it up for Shirou to see.

"THIS is the ORIGINAL chopstick used in the FIRST King's Game!" Gilgamesh declared. "Yours is a poor mimicry of the original. You are no king, boy!

But Shirou was not deterred. He removed Rin from his lap and gently pried away from Sakura and Luvia, standing tall as he continued to hold the king's chopstick up high. Gilgamesh growled at the boy's confident smile.

"Heh. Maybe in your time… but right now, in this bar, even if this is an imitation… this is MY King's Game, so your original chopstick means nothing! Even this copy means I'm king! Why else would the girl's obey me? Why else would I be able to give the orders I give?"

"Mongrel…"

"But you may challenge me, King of Heroes. You can try to take this chopstick from me, but I won't let you. For I am the king, and the King's orders are… ABSOLUTE!"

"You…"

"TRACE… ON!" And suddenly, hundreds of chopsticks appeared in the air around them, cascading and falling around them like rain. Shirou reared back and tossed the King's chopstick into the hail, and it disappeared into the rain.

"Can you find it? Can you prove me wrong? No! Even if it is a copy, it's enough in THIS bar. It enough to prove I'm king…!

"Bastard…!"

"TELL ME, KING OF HEROES, DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH CHOPSTICKS?!"

"Ha! KNOW YOUR PLACE, MONGREL!"

"Aaaaaand that's enough of that." Kirei said as Wade wiped away the screen like he was cleaning a chalkboard.

"And this is what happens when TIM let's someone else write an Omake." Wade sighed as he wiped off his hands. "Nothing more than a parody of meme."

"Well, humor is not where Kiiam shines most. He should leave it to professionals." Kirei said sagely, before tapping his chin in thought. "Now… how to end this…"

"Mongrels! You dare keep the readers from bearing witness to my humbling of that faker!?" Gilgamesh complained as he appeared from the side of the screen.

"Ah, I suppose this might do..."

"'Appeared from the side of the screen'? All this is just text. How does that even make sense?" Wade frowned in confusion.

He and Kirei glanced at each other before nodding and speaking in unison.

"Omake."

"STOP IGNORING ME!" Gilgamesh shouted. He grabbed the front of Kirei's priest's robes pulled him forward to glare at him, pointing at Wade as he did so. "And THIS is my fill in? This is whom you've been hanging out with instead of me? Is the one true King so easily replaced?! I thought what we had was SPECIAL!"

"You're just jealous because he has way more fun hanging out with me than he ever did with you." Wade grinned. "By the way, as she is the object of your fanboy obsessions, what did you think of my trolling of Artie in _Zero Sense_, Goldie? Did Wade do good?"

"QUIET, DOG! I WILL SLAP YOU WITH EA!"

"Well, I think it's time to close the curtain. It's dragged on long enough." Kirei chuckled as he pulled a lever. Slowly, a red curtain began to descend above them. "Farewell, dear readers, and be sure to review and whatnot. And may Bea Arthur be with you."

"What about my fight?!" Gilgamesh demanded.

"Maybe some other time." Wade grinned. "I'm sure it won't take another month or two for TIM to update this one again."

Wade and Kirei both paused before bursting out into laughter as the curtain finally descended, muting Gil's complaints as the Omake ended.

**End Omake.**

**Note-**** Yo! TIM here with another chapter of the Carnival, hot off the presses and betaed by none other that Kiiam, the author of _Want and Need_! He's helped me a lot with this little part of the carnival, especially with the Omake. Thanks dude! **

**And yes, before you ask I was inspired by the King's Game scene from _Persona 4: The Animation_. Which will also explain why Kirei and Wade chose Persona 3 OSTs as the soundtrack for this chapter. Great anime and I highly recommend that you watch it and play the game. Drunk!Yu also inspired Drunk!Shirou, but as you can see, I have… changed things. **

**Now then, remember to check my profile for my challenges and challenge takers. If you are interested in a challenge, PM me for me to know. **

**Also, remember to check out Fate:Zero Sense's TV Tropes page and add on whatever you deem appropriate to be on it.**

**And review! Reviews fuel my muse, so the more reviews the better. **

**See you, Space Cowboys! **


	6. The Fifth Seihai Grand Prix

**I do not own the Fate series or any of the series' used here.**

"Ugh… again…?" Cole muttered out as he clutched his head, an icebag over it and his eyes covered in Jack Nicholson-like sunglasses. "I'm too hung-over for this shit…"

"Whether you like it or not MacGrath, we must in fact do this." Lelouch countered, much more composed than his companion, but also had similar sunglasses covering his eyes.

"Ya know, I kinda' understand why he's all mopey…" Lupin began, pointing at Cole. "But you only drank _one_ glass of _watered down_ beer. How can ya be such a lightweight? I remember my teenage years, and it took more than three to down me!"

"Why would Rivalz want us to drink such horrible stuff?" Lelouch moaned out as his right hand gripped his forehead.

"Freaking baby…" Cole growled out, making Naruto look at him curiously while he polished a glass.

"Shouldn't you be whining about your story?" Naruto politely asked, making Cole freeze for a second before sobbing onto the counter.

"There, there…" Lupin sighed as he patted his new buddy on the back with his right hand while his left hand…

"Try to swipe my wallet and I will fry you." Cole warned, holding off his sobs to glare at Lupin who grinned sheepishly before waving his hands in a mock-innocent manner.

Lelouch sighed at the display before moving his head towards the 'screen' and muttering, "It's starting…

**_Carnival Frenzy_**

The Holy Grail War. A bloody conflict that has gone on for ages. Seven Magi come to the location of Fuyuki City and summon seven legendary heroes to fight for them. The Servants themselves are listed by their classes: Saber, Lancer, Archer, Rider, Berserker, Assassin, and Caster. The one Servant and Master remaining shall receive the Holy Grail, and ancient and powerful object with the power to grant any wish, as the prize. And now, chaos shall rain in Fuyuki Ci-

"Welcome one and all! Welcome to Fuyuki City's Fifth Annual Seihai Grand Prix!"

Aw, come on! I'm trying to be epic here!

"That's right folks, we're back!" Taiga shouted, wearing a tight yellow tank-top with dangerously short-shorts that had the number _01_ stamped onto its side in purple. "And the people who will be presenting this race to you will be the one and only sexy tiger of Fuyuki, Fujimura Taiga…!"

"…And the fan's favorite trolling priest, Kotomine Kirei!" Kirei announced, continuing to wear his normal priest robes but also having a beer hat that had two tubes that ran from the beer cans to his mouth. "Welcome again!"

"How about we see how the competitors are doing?" Taiga asked Kirei, who simply smirked.

"Of course, we do have to see how this will play out, even though it's more or less a blatant rip-off of the first chapter to regain the 'magic'." Kirei agreed, motioning to the small crowd of Masters and Servants that were gathering on the track.

"Well…" Shirou began, a small, nervous smile forming on his face. "At least nobody will get hurt! Right Saber?" Shirou then blinked when he noticed that his Servant wasn't in front of him. Shirou turned to see Saber sitting in a corner, her knees brought to her chest as she hugged them while a small storm cloud formed over her head. "Saber?"

"Why…" Saber muttered darkly, the storm cloud now visibly raining on her. "Why must I be put through this torture again, God? Haven't I been humiliated enough? Why can't this be a nice, simple, _noble_ fight between knights and warriors rather than a race between idiots and madmen?"

"I know how you feel…" Shinji muttered, now appearing beside her in the same position. "…Is it so hard to ask the universe not too make your life miserable?"

"Shinji-san?" Shirou asked, a confused expression settling on his face. "What are you doing here?"

"As a former Servant that is still in this world, I qualify as a contestant." Shinji explained, sulking even harder. "Plus, Taiga-chan thought that the Holy Grail might make a good piece of decoration…."

"KICK THEIR ASSES SHINJI-KUN!" Taiga shouted over the loudspeakers, waving at her boyfriend. "If you do, I'll make tonight _extra_ special!"

"Last time she said that, we played 'Kinky Master and her Troublesome Servant'." Shinji explained, causing Shirou to recoil in horror at the mental picture. "And she 'forgot' to tell me the safe word…"

"A-Anyway Saber…" Shirou began, walking up to his Servant and patting her on the back, giving her the best smile he could muster. "You shouldn't worry! I know we can win this!"

Saber turned her head to look at her Master, whose face beamed in the sun. That face she had grown to adore. That innocence that she could…

"Uh, Saber…" Shirou began, looking worriedly at his Servant. Somehow, Saber's entire face became red and her eyes became dull, not to mention her labored breaths as she looked at him. "You're drooling again."

"T-Thank you Shirou…" Saber breathed out, wiping the drool coming out of her mouth.

"Shirou." A new voice spoke, making Shirou look behind him to see Maiya with a fairly large case slung over her shoulder. "This race will most likely become dangerous. When the situation calls for it…." She then flung the case to the ground, startling the three as she opened it, revealing an RPG-7 that she slung over her shoulder with little trouble. "Use this."

"N-Now there will be no need of that Maiya-san!" Shirou stuttered out, making Maiya blink in confusion. "I-I mean, nobody is supposed to be hurt in the race, right?"

"…" Maiya just stared at him in her usual blank expression, but her eyes conveyed the message of 'are you serious?'. This did nothing to dispel Shirou's worry, not that it was supposed to.

Like Saber, a few others were… less than pleased.

"What is _wrong_ with this world!?" Avenger raged, shaking his fist into the sky. "Fictional characters replacing the Servants is one thing, but placing us all in a _race_ of all things? What the hell?!"

"Don't worry my love…" Bazette began, kneeling in front of her portable shrine of the Hound of Ulster while tears were forming in her eyes. "Together, we'll win the Holy Grail War, and I'll make your wish come true! Not even a stupid race can change that!"

"Oh, don't tell me that you are actually going to go through with this, Bazette!" Avenger shouted as he wheeled around to his obsessed Master.

"No, I did not hear anything my beautiful Hound…" Bazette muttered as she stroked her hand lovingly on the picture of Cu Chulainn. "Do not worry, nothing can separate us…"

"…Bazette?" Avenger asked carefully, only to inch away as Bazette began to make out with the picture. _"No seriously, what did I do to piss off Akasha so much?"_

"Mou, this isn't fair!" Illyasviel shouted as she flailed her arms around. "You're supposed to kill them all in massacre-I mean fights! That way Onii-chan can be all mine!"

"What's the point?" Berserker asked, sulking as he stood up and a violinist appearing out of nowhere to play somber music behind him. "Races do nothing more than make people cheer for people to turn on one another. It destroys majestic machines for mere entertainment, so why should we even live in a world such as this? I…" Berserker did not finish, for Illyasviel whacked him upside the head with an annoyed expression on her face. His eyes glowed blue and his mouthpiece slid on. Berserker posed, and an explosion appeared behind him that threw the violinist away.

**_"I shall gladly compete in this race Madam Illyasviel! JUSTICE will accept nothing less than victory!"_**

Others were a bit more enthusiastic with the new arrangement.

"You better beat them Archer!" Rin declared as she pointed at Illyasviel and Berserker. "There will be no excuses for failure!"

"You do know that you're going with me, right?" Archer asked as he sipped on a complimentary milk bottle, smirking at his Master as she continued to rant.

"Of course! I have to _strategize_ how we beat them while you implement them!" Rin declared as she began punching into the air. "We will use every dirty trick in the book to win! We will laugh as they cry on the floor in defeat! _Especially _with Edelfelt!"

"Hmph, as if you will be able to defeat me Tohsaka!" Luvia declared as she walked up to Rin, Lancer in her skimpy maid outfit following close behind her. "After all, your Servant is more of a simple house cat than a man!"

"HEY!" Archer shouted, frustration showing on his face. "I'm not a freaking…!" A seagull then flew overhead, making Archer's head snap towards it and shout, "Bird! Bird! Bird!"

"Ah, it is logical. Felines get distracted easily." Lancer said her usual emotionless tone before nodding at Luvia. "It was a very good joke Master."

"Indeed it was Lancer." Luvia replied in a smug tone as she placed her hand over her mouth. "I hope you are ready to, as the Americans put it, 'eat my dust' Tohsaka! Ohohoho!"

"Edelfelt! When we get on that track, I'll make sure that you are nothing but a bitch sitting on top of a pile of scr-" Rin then stopped, noticing everyone staring at her, before she smiled at Luvia and said, "Now, I do hope that we play fair Luvia! I mean, what are friends for?"

"That bitch…" Sakura growled as she stood away from the crowd, glaring hatefully at Luvia with her hands clenched into fists. "Does she really think that she can win this, and take Senpai away from me? Well, I'll show that bitch…"

"Sakura!" Tsubaki shouted in an amazed tone, snapping Sakura out of her dark thoughts.

Sakura looked at the Noble Phantasm with a worried expression before she stuttered out, "W-was I thinking out loud again?"

"You really need to learn how to control that Sakura…" Tsubaki admonished as she lightly patted the Matou on the shoulder.

"Hey, don't worry Sakura! I mean, there is no way a star like ME can lose this race!" Assassin shouted, grinning as he pointed at the track. "Whatever vehicle we get is awesome, because it can handle my brilliance! All the others are just pale imitations to its brightness! Gahahaha!"

"And I'm sure that we will not lose!" Caster declared, standing beside Souichirou with fire blazing in her eyes. "Fairy Tail's very reputation lies in our victory, and I shall not fail! We will crush our enemies, and our Guild shall triumph!"

"…" Souichirou said nothing, allowing Caster to continue her rant.

"I'm very certain that they will welcome you with open arms Master." Caster spoke while nodding her head, as if in agreement with herself. "Most likely, there will be a celebration once we return! With much alcohol and cake…" She then stopped before pumping her fist into the air. "FOR FAIRY TAIL!"

"Alright man, let's win this for bro!" Rider shouted as he high-fived Waver, who grinned back.

"Without a doubt! There is no way we can lose this one!" Waver replied as he took out a MANLY cigar and popped it into his mouth.

"I mean, JUST WHO THE HELL DO THEY THINK WE ARE!?" Rider shouted at the top of his lungs, his jacket waving EPICALLY in the wind as he grinned at his Master, the two high-fiving each other once again in agreement.

Hey, while Waver usually acted much calmer, put him in combat and his blood becomes as hot as a thousand suns!

"Okay, that's enough with the introductions!" Kirei declared over the loudspeaker, halting any further conversation between the competitors. "Like in the first chapter, the vehicles you'll all be driving will be decided by drawing lots!" Sola-Ui and Ayako then walked up front in matching blue miniskirts and tight shirts, looking extremely embarrassed as everyone cheered for their appearance (Except with Shinji and Waver respectively, who they did not mind seeing their bodies) while holding a box with a small hole on the top. Shirou nervously smiled as he walked up and drew his lot.

_Wild Animal_

"Wild animal?" Shirou asked in a confused voice before a cheerful melody filled the air. Shirou turned around to see Saber sitting on top of a small, mechanical lion who's head went up and down as the music played. The thing looked like it belonged outside of a mall or a carnival for small children. "Huh?"

"Shirou and Saber have picked 'Unit Lion'!" Taiga's voice shouted over the loudspeaker, as Saber's smile seemed to grow more and more with every minute she sat on the lion.

"Shirou~!" Saber sung happily in an overjoyed tone as she waved at the confused Master before the music stopped. She blinked in confusion before holding out her hand, saying, "Gimme 100 yen."

"It runs on money?" Shirou asked in amazement as he gazed at Saber's expecting hand. He then noticed Maiya trying to hand him the RPG once more before sighing and taking it, saying, "Somehow, I think that I might actually need this…"

"Alright Archer, once we get our vehicle, let's begin the plan!" Rin declared as she strutted up to the box and picked out her lot.

_Servant's Financial Status_

"Rin and Archer have picked 'Unit Dead-Broke'!" Taiga declared, while at the moment Rin gaped at the vehicle and Archer just sighed. The thing, in layman's terms, was a piece of crap. It was a dull grey Fiat that looked like it had seen better days. Its paint was peeling off, its wheels were rusted, it was covered in dents, and the lights were cracked! Not to mention the torn upholstery that was inside.

"W-W-What the hell!?" Rin shouted as she pointed to the thing. "How can you only afford something like _that_!? Didn't you say that you were a bounty hunter?" At that moment, the bumper of the car fell off, clanging against the ground.

"Um…" Archer began while scratching the back of his head. "The life of a Sweeper isn't a glamorous one?" That statement only made Rin launch into a new tirade of complaints, much to Archer's embarrassment.

"Hmph, I knew that a brute like Tohsaka would get such an unglamorous vehicle." Luvia chuckled out as she picked her piece of paper.

_Master's Financial Status_

"Luvia and Lancer have picked out 'Unit Rich-Bitch'!" Taiga declared as Luvia went to the very back of the vehicle while Lancer stepped into the driver's seat.

"Ohohoho! This is truly perfect!" Luvia laughed out as she poured herself a glass of Champaign. "I have one-upped Tohsaka, AND got a vehicle worthy of my standing! This truly is a glorious day!" With that, Luvia slipped into a daydream about Shirou (And Saber, for some inexplicable reason) being in the limo with her, and spending some _private time_ with her as Lancer rolled up the sound-proof window…

"Okay, time to see what the big man is getting!" Assassin shouted with Tsubaki and Sakura following behind him. He dug his hand into the box before pulling out his lot.

_Monster Truck_

"Sakura, Assassin, and Tsubaki have gotten 'Unit Black*Star'!" Taiga declared, making Tsubaki and Sakura gape at the utterly massive blue monster truck that was in front of them while Assassin looked a bit frustrated about something.

"Hold on, it's missing something…" Assassin then took out a sharpie marker and jumped to the vehicle. In a flurry of motion, Assassin drew two giant versions of his 'autograph' on the sides before slapping a giant picture of his face on the hood. Appreciating his work, Assassin declared, "Alright! Now it's perfect for a star like me! Ghahahaha!"

Both Sakura and Tsubaki shared a sigh of embarrassment towards Assassins actions.

"Very well, I suppose it is our turn." Caster spoke before walking over to the box and picking out her lot.

_Bicycle_

"Souichirou and Caster have chosen 'Unit Titania'!" Taiga shouted as a red, two-seated bicycle rolled up in front of Caster and her Master. With fire burning in her eyes, Caster hopped on while Souichirou calmly got onto his seat.

"Even with this vehicle, the fire of our Guild shall ensure our victory!" Caster declared, making everyone inch back at the dangerous aura she was emitting.

What? Caster was _scary_!

"It is time to get our vehicle, Cu Chulainn!" Bazette sung out as she skipped to the box, clutching in her left arm the hug-pillow with the picture of the Hound of Ulster stamped on it while Avenger attempted to nurse a migrane.

"It's just a hug-pillow, Bazette! Cu Chulainn is not here!" Avenger shouted in frustration, only for Bazette to continue with fishing out her slip of paper, apparently not even hearing him.

_Food Cart_

"Bazette and Avenger have chosen 'Unit Cu Chulainn'!" Taiga shouted as Bazette happily sat on top of the small, wooden sales cart with four wheels on the bottom, hugging her pillow even harder while Avenger just stared blankly at it.

"As long as you pilot it, anything is a work of beauty my love!" Bazette declared as she placed the pillow in front of her, which drooped slightly as she squeezed it.

"…Maybe I should just kill myself and go to the next timeline…" Avenger contemplated to himself, ignoring Shinji passing by him.

Sola-Ui smiled happily at this and said, "Shinji, you can take as long as you want. However…" She then fished out a piece of paper and placed it between her breasts, giving a sultry grin towards him. "…You can be as _rough _as you want…"

"YOU BITCH!" Taiga shouted as she attempted to get out of her stage, only for Kirei to hold her back. "When I get down there, I will…!"

"Quiet! Allow the sexy cougar to continue!" Kirei shouted as he continued to hold back the utterly furious woman. Shinji meanwhile, gulped and closed his eyes before snatching the note away, not even touching the mounds of flesh, making Sola-Ui huff in frustration.

_Owned Vehicle_

"Shinji has chosen 'Unit Mustn't-Run-Away'." Taiga muttered angrily as Shinji got into his _blue_ Prius.

"GAY!" Most of the male population in the stands shouted, making Shinji's face become red with anger.

"It's _fuel efficient_!" Shinji shouted back before sighing in frustration. Why does everyone he meets always make fun of his car just because it was a blue prius?

"Alright! It's our turn now!" Rider shouted as Waver walked behind him. When they reached the two 'showgirls', Ayako blushed as her eyes met Waver's. Waver reached into the box and pulled out his lot.

_Sports Car_

"Waver and Rider have chosen 'Unit Lagann!" Taiga declared as Waver and Rider looked at their vehicle. It was a Ferrari colored hot-rod red, but it also had the miniaturized version of Lagann's head as a hood ornament.

"Alright! Now this is what I'm talking about!" Rider cheered as he got into the sports car while Waver sighed in relief.

"Well, at least it's not a Viking ship…" Waver muttered as he got in through the passenger's seat.

"Yay! It's our turn!" Illyasviel cheered as Berserker gave her a piggyback ride to the box. She then picked one of the pieces of paper up and looked over what was written.

_Pet_

"Illya and Berserker have picked 'Unit Friender'!" Taiga shouted, making Illyasviel blink as she saw a mechanical dog walk in front of her and Berserker.

"IT'S SO CUTE!" Illyasviel gushed as she jumped off Berserker and began hugging Friender. Berserker gave Friender a thumb's up.

**_"Friender, my faithful robotic canine friend! It is good to see you fight in the name of JUSTICE alongside me and Madam Irisviel!"_**

However, like Berserker, Friender's thoughts were inaudible. And he only had one opinion about his partner's current attitude.

**_"…Have you been smoking robotic weed or something?"_**

"But how am I supposed to ride you?" Illyasviel asked in a curious tone as she looked at Friender. Suddenly, Friender's form seemed to grow and shift into what appeared to be a sports car with twin guns on its side.

"Yay!" Illyasviel cheered while Berserker nodded in appreciation.

**_"Good job, old chum! Truly, you are an amazing ally of JUSTICE!"_**

The car revved up as Illyasviel and Berserker stepped inside. Which translated too…

**_"Okay seriously, what the fuck happened to you? When did you stop being emo?"_**

"Everyone, please get into your positions at the starting line!" Taiga's voice rang out, making everyone drive their vehicles into their positions on the racetrack. "So, what do you expect from this Kotomine?"

"Meh, nothing much really. Just another wacky race with a bunch of accidents happening. Though I do expect numerous people to die for TIM and the readers' amusement." Kirei said with a shrug. "In short, nothing too different from Carnival Phantasm and the first chapter."

"Now get ready…" Taiga began, the electronic bell ringing three times before the green light lit up. "GO!"

Almost all the cars then left the finish line, speeding down the racetrack with Rider and Waver's Ferrari leading the pack. "Oh my! Unit Lagann is in the lead with Unit Titania and Unit Lion following right behind them! But wait, it looks like unit Cu Chulainn is having some trouble!"

'Trouble' was an understatement. The cart was past the finish line, but only because Avenger was pushing it with all the strength being a Servant granted him while Bazette continued to sit on top, hugging the pillow. Unfortunately, it was not enough because the other vehicles were quickly disappearing into the distance.

"Do not worry my love! Your glory will propel us to the others soon enough!" Bazette spoke to the hug pillow while a tick formed on Avenger's head.

"I'M THE ONE WHO'S PUSHING!" Avenger shouted at the top of his lungs, only to droop his head when Bazette ignored him once again.

Now then, back to the other racers…

Caster's legs were a blur as she peddled her bike next to Unit Lion, fire continuing to burn within her eyes. Meanwhile behind her, Souichirou seemed to be matching her pace, not even breaking a sweat or breathing deeply. He just continued to possess his normal expression. "Do not think that you will win this Saber! I was not declared the Queen of Fairies for simply doing nothing!"

"I will not allow you to overturn us, Caster!" Saber shouted as she pushed Unit Lion to the side, hitting the bike and knocking it away by several feet.

"Saber! Don't do that!" Shirou shouted at his Servant as he tried to hold the RPG-7 in his hands. "This thing is very sensitive, and one small mistake can…!"

"If you wish to turn this into a battle of strength, then so be it!" Caster then rammed into Unit Lion, punching the mechanical ride and knocking it backwards, spinning from the force of the blow.

"WWAAAHHH!" Saber and Shirou cried out as they spun, the RPG-7 suddenly launching the explosive towards Caster and Souichirou. It missed, but it did not miss the road ahead.

"Huh?" Caster questioned as the ground before her exploded, catching the bike by the front tire. The velocity plus the sudden interruption instantly launched the bike and the two people riding it into the air, spinning off of the race track and towards the stands.

Souichirou did not react as they flew, and simply righted his glasses before he and his Servant crashed into the bleachers.

Meanwhile, one Kayneth Archibald looked up to see an airborne bike heading straight towards him. "W-wait! You cannot be seriou-!" The bike landed, front tire first, onto Kayneth. The front tire instantly tore through his body and removed his spine instantly.

"Kayneth just died!" Taiga declared over the loudspeakers, making all the people in the stands scream in horror.

"Who the fuck cares?" Kirei replied, making those same exact people sigh in relief, shrug, and then sit back down like nothing happened.

"You're right! Anyway, it seems like Unit Titania is out of the game! Unit Dead-Broke is catching up with Unit Rich-Bitch! One of them might just grab second place" Taiga spoke before the 'camera' swerved over to see Rin and Archer's vehicle going neck to neck with Luvia's. "Unit Lagann is still in the lead, and Unit Lion has fallen way behind! After Unit Dead Broke and Rich-Bich is Unit Black*Star, Unit Friender, Unit Lion, Unit Musn't-Run-Away- and finally Unit Cu Chulainn!"

"Hmph, it took you some time Tohsaka, but you finally caught up!" Luvia declared as her window rolled down, revealing Luvia reclining comfortably as she watched the movie _Skyfall_. "What ever happened to your supposed superiority? Or is that rickedy old lump of trash a mirror of your own worth?"

"WHAT!?" Rin shouted as she snapped her head towards Luvia, Archer taking the wheel as they drove past a cliff. "Who the hell do you think you are, you bitch!? Archer! It's time for Operation Kill-Edelfelt!"

"That isn't even a clever title you know!" Archer declared as he used his right hand to take out his gun and fire at the Limo, only for the bullets to bounce off a multi-colored hexagonal shield. "What the…?"

The driver seat's window rolled down, revealing Lancer looking _bored_ of practically everything. "That will not work on me." Lancer quietly said before sticking her Lance of Longinus out the window. "I will now counter-attack."

"Huh, what do you…?" Rin began, only for Lancer to stab the Lance through the car's front tire. After that, the entire front of the car fell apart, and the remaining whole of it screeched against the ground.

"GAAAHHH!" Rin and Archer screamed as they spun out of control into the forest outside of the track, where they stopped.

"Ohohoho! Wonderful! Truly wonderful!" Luvia laughed out as Lancer pulled back her spear into the limo. "Now, nothing can defeat us from obtaining the Grail!"

"YAHHOOOO!" Assassin yelled as the monster truck began to gain momentum behind the limo. "Now this really is a race, because the main star has arrived!"

"S-slow down Black*Star!" Tsubaki shouted as she and Sakura hugged in fright in the passenger seat. "Y-you might make us go off-road!"

"Off road? Come on Tsubaki, you know that I'm so big of a guy that the road will move to keep me on it!" Assasssin laughed out as he began driving closer and closer to the limo, with the massive right tire almost touching the bumper of it.

"Matou…" Luvia growled out as she poked her head out of the window. "Do not dare think that you will win! Shirou will be mine!"

"WHAT!?" Sakura shouted as she pushed off Tsubaki and pressed her head against the windshield to look at Luvia.

"Yes, by winning this ridiculous race, I will get Shirou!" Luvia explained with a haughty smile on her face. "Once I acquire the Holy Grail, I will marry Shirou and give it to him as my wedding present! Afterwards, we shall consummate our marriage together with Saber!" Luvia then stopped, her face shifting into one of horror before she shouted, "I-Ignore the last part! But either way, Shirou _will_ be mine!"

"…" Sakura said nothing, but her eye began to twitch and her face turned red with anger.

"Sakura?" Tsubaki asked quietly as a dangerous aura began rolling off her friend in waves, not that Assassin noticed.

It is said that on that day, Sakura's mind snapped in three different ways.

"You…" Sakura began, her whole body shaking with complete and utter rage. Her eyes then snapped open, fire blazing within them and an Oni mask seemingly appearing out of nowhere behind her. "BITCH!" She then grabbed Assassin, and threw him to Tsubaki before getting into the driver's seat. "You think that you can try to take Senpai from me, you whore!? I'll kill you!" She then slammed her foot on the gas pedal, making the monster truck go even faster.

"A-Are you crazy!?" Luvia shouted as she ran to the front part of the limo, the monster truck's tire crushing the back.

"Performing emergency measures, Master." Lancer spoke in her usual monotone voice before pressing a button. Suddenly, the limo separated into two, right in front of where Luvia was standing on, and swerved the remaining parts of the vehicle to the side of the road while the monster truck continued onwards.

"Sakura, look out!" Tsubaki cried out as she pointed to a cliff wall in front of them.

"Huh?" Sakura muttered, seeming to snap out of a daze before noticing the cliff. "GAAAAHHH!"

"No way is a star like me dying like this!" Assassin declared before grabbing both Sakura and Tsubaki. He then jumped out of the window and onto the side of the road before passing out with the two females in his arms. Meanwhile, the truck crashed into the wall in and exploding in a ball of fire.

"Amazing! In only a few minutes Unit Dead-Broke, Rich-Bitch, and Black*Star are out of the race!" Taiga shouted in amazement. "Now it's Unit Lagann in the lead followed by Unit Friender, Unit Lion, Unit Mustn't-Run-Away, and Unit Cu Chulainn!"

"Wow, there is definitely a lot more explosions and destruction in this race rather than the last one." Kirei noted from his microphone. "Perhaps TIM wishes to make things different this time?"

"SAKURA!" Shirou shouted before bowing his head. "Why, why does all this insanity have to happen?"

"Such is the Holy Grail War Shirou…" Saber muttered solemnly in response before noticing their speed was going down. "Gimmie 100 yen please."

"Huh, that's strange…" Waver muttered as he lit his cigar in the car while Rider continued to drive it, Red Hot Chili Peppers blaring on the stereo.

"What?" Rider asked as Waver turned his head to him. "Usually, someone would have attacked us by now, or something crazy would have happened." Waver began, making Rider raise an eyebrow. "But nothing so far! Maybe everything's going to turn out ok-GAH!" The entire car then lurched, followed by two distinct 'popping' sounds before it began to slow down. "What the…?"

"To be fair, you were asking for it. Don't tempt fate like that." Rider sighed before turning his head to see which of the other racers had attacked them.

"Alright Friender!" Illyasviel cried out in triumph as the two guns stopped firing. She watched the back tires of Unit Lagann go into pieces before skidding on the ground in a shower of sparks while Unit Friender passed Unit Lagann. "We're going to win!"

**_"Good job old chum! Now it's time to win this race! Onwards, loyal canine of JUSTICE!"_** Berserker's inaudible thoughts declared as he silently pointed onwards.

**_"Okay seriously man, I'm worried about you…"_**

"Those bastards think we're going to give up just because our tires are shot?" Rider growled out as he took out his core drill and twisted it into the air. "Lagann, combine!"

The small mecha then appeared overhead the sports car, its bottom part transforming into a drill before smashing into the hood. In a flash of light, the car began to _change_ into a robot. Complete with arms, legs, two drill-like objects next to its fists, and Lagann acting as the head while Waver and Rider watched from its chest/windshield.

_"WHAT THE HELL!?" _Thought the remaining competitors as the new Unit Lagann pointed at Unit Friender.

**_"Team Dai-Gurren, transform and roll out!" _**Lagann spoke, sounding suspiciously like the leader of another group of transforming robots before running towards Unit Friender.

"Hey! No fair! They can transform into a robot!" Illyasviel whined as her arms flailed and she hit her feet on the seat. "Cheaters! Cheating cheaters!"

Suddenly, Friender transformed as well into a robot that matched Unit Lagann in size, but was much slimmer in comparison and held what looked like a bone-shaped sword.

**_"You wanna go big guy?"_** Unit Friender asked in a voice that sounded like the _evil _leader of an evil group of robots while facing towards the advancing Unit Lagann. **_"Then let's go!"_**

**_"GAAAAHHH!"_** All the people in the respective groups shouted before getting into a robot fight too EPIC for words while the other cars passed by them.

Avenger panted and wheezed as he continued to push the cart, sweat dripping off his face like a fountain. "S-seriously considering just killing myself to getting it over with…"

"You truly are amazing Cu Chulainn!" Bazette spoke in awe as she brought the hug pillow closer to her. "You were able to destroy all of them with your magnificence!"

"THAT PILLOW DIDN'T DO JACK SHIT!" Avenger shouted as he stopped pushing. "YOU KNOW WHAT?! FUCK THIS! I'M GOIN-!"

DE-DOO-DOO-DOO-DE-DOO-DE-DOO!

"What the…?" Avenger did not get to finish his statement, for something hard and metallic hit him before hitting his 'vehicle', making them fly into the air.

"NO! MY LOVE!" Bazette shouted as she spun into the air, the pillow moving away from her.

"WHAT THE FU-!?" Avenger shouted before he disappeared into the distance, a flash of light marking his passing.

"YEEEHHAAAWWW!" Wade shouted as he rode THE General Lee down the racetrack, heading for Unit Mustn't-Run-Away.

"What? A new challenger?" Taiga asked in shock over the loudspeaker. "Apparently, Wade Wilson has joined the Grand Prix and is currently riding 'Unit Poolmobile'!"

"As expected. Most of the fans were probably waiting for him to appear." Kirei mentioned, idly flipping through issue of Playboy and not even paying attention to the race.

"Okay, check your speed… make sure you're on the correct gear…" Shinji muttered to himself as he carefully rode his Prius down the road.

Hey! Any self-respecting man with a license would follow the rules of the road!

"Oh my god! A blue Prius!" Wade shouted as he drove his General Lee next to Shinji's vehicle. "You know, you're not helping all your fans who want to think you're straight! I guess you really are gay for Kaworu!"

"It's fuel efficient!" Shinji argued, only for Wade to visibly snort.

"It's a _blue_ Prius!" Came Wade's counter-argument. "Seriously, that has to be the gayest vehicle ever invented by man!"

"STOP CALLING ME GAY BECAUSE I WANT TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT!" Shinji shouted before he tried to ram Unit Mustn't-Run-Away into Wade's General Lee, only for Wade to speed up and the last second and make Shinji drive off the road…

…and hit a tree, knocking him out as the airbag deployed.

"It's totally gay!" Wade called out as he drove away, ignoring the sound of Shinji muttering 'It's fuel efficient…' before fading into unconsciousness.

"SHINJI-KUN!" Taiga cried out in horror while Kirei just shrugged.

"Well, looks like Shinji's out of the race. Now it's down to Unit Poolmobile and Unit Lion." Kirei announced as the two vehicles moved side to side. "And the finish line is coming up soon! Who will TIM allow to win?"

"ASSASSIN!" Saber shouted in anger as Wade drove neck to neck with her vehicle. "How dare you show your face here!?"

"It's Wade, remember? To prevent any confusion with the readers?" Wade asked with a grin. "And I'm here because the fans love me! Plus, a Gilgamesh needed to crash the party and I fit the bill perfectly!"

"You will not win you coward!" Saber shouted before turning her head to Shirou. "Shirou! Insert more coins! We need to go faster if we hope to finish!"

"That's what she said!" Wade commented before flooring the gas pedal. "Try and keep up Artie!"

"Don't worry, Saber! I got this!" Shirou declared, reloading his RPG with the spare missile Maiya had given him. Looks like she had been right about using it. He aimed it at the Poolmobile. "I just need to- GAH?!"

"Sorry, hero-boy!" Wade laughed as he shot the RPG out of Shirou's hands with his glock while he continued to drive with his free hand. Shirou clutched his bleeding hand and glared at Wade who smiled beatifically in response. "You just got Glock-blocked!"

"GAAAAHHH!" Saber screamed in anger as the two vehicles got closer and closer to the finish line. As they got only a few feet away from it, Wade did something unexpected.

"Well Michael…" Wade then flipped the coin container, revealing a big red button. "Time to use the turbo boost!" He then pressed it, making flames come out of the exhaust before the car went even _faster_, passing the finish line in one second.

"Amazing! Wade has won the Seihai Grand Prix!" Taiga shouted before continuing to sulk. "Shinji-kun…"

"This isn't fair!" Saber shouted as she cried on Shirou's chest. "How can I lose _twice_ to fools?" She then continued to sob, but now even harder than before while Shirou slowly patted her on the back.

"Alright! I would like to thank the academy for this award, my parents (who I don't really know), Bob, Weasel, my heterosexual life partner Cable, my good buddy Kirei, my other buddies in the X-Force, my number one girl Death, and my…" Wade began before a glorious light shined down everywhere. The Holy Grail then appeared, looking like a racing trophy of all things.

**_"What is your wish?"_** The Grail asked in a majestic voice, making Wade grin.

"All the chimichangas I can eat!" Wade declared, making practically everyone in the vicinity face-fault.

If the Grail could blink, it would have. **_"What? Really? Anything in the world and you… Whatever. Fine." _**In a flash of light, the Grail disappeared and in its place was _exactly _372,844 chimichangas, making Wade grin before diving into the pile.

"I just love a happy ending!" Wade shouted as he took a bite of one glorified fried burrito, ignoring Unit Lagann and Unit Friender continuing their robot battle behind him.

Gotta appreciate the little things…

**To Be Continued…**

**Omake-**** Seihai-Kun! **

"WWAAAAHHH!" Shinji yelled as he ran into Seihai-kun's room and cried at its feet. "SEIHAI-KUN!"

"What's wrong Ikari-kun?" Seihai-kun asked as its purple-colored corrupted contents poured out of its 'mouth'.

"Avenger was so mean to me in the latest chapter of Stay Away!" Shinji cried out while waving his arms around. "He reminded me of all the bad stuff I did in my life, and its ruining everything! Why can't I just live in peace? I want to go back to the way things were!" Shinji then sobbed into his hands as Seihai-kun looked on.

"Mou, you're so pathetic Ikari-kun…" Seihai-kun chided before dropping a kitchen knife onto the floor.

**_Bad Memory Eraser Kit! _**

"….huh?" Shinji asked in confusion as Seihai-kun leaned down towards him.

"Just go and teach him whose boss." Seihai-kun whispered to Shinji, who just continued to look at the knife in shock and horror.

**End Omake.**

**Omake:**** A Different Wish (Courtesy of Kiiam)**

**_"What is your wish?"_** The Grail asked in a majestic voice, making Wade grin.

"All the chim- Wait." Wade paused as a crazy idea suddenly formed in his psychotic mind. "I could… not forever, but… I wonder…"

**"Well? Your wish? I haven't got all day." **The Grail asked again, sounding very impatient.

"Alright, I got it." Wade grinned. "I wanna replace Shirou as the protagonist for a while!"

"Wait, what?!" Shirou stopped consoling a depressed Saber to turn and stare at the mercenary with wide eyes.

"Wait, what?!" Saber stopped crying and stared at her archenemy in horror.

"Wait, what?!" All the other Masters, Servants, and audience members gasped as Wade announced his wish. Only one person was smiling.

"Well… this should be interesting." Kirei chuckled to himself.

**"Hm… Fine." **The Grail responded as holy light started to emit from it.

As Wade spread his arms out as he was basked in an otherworldly glow and people (mostly the heroines of the Fate/Stay Night universe) began to panic, the world 'hiccuped' as Wade's wish was fulfilled.

X.X.X.X.X

"…Of course, writing about everything he went through would take way too much time." Kirei said as he and Wade sat a couch watching Golden Girls, relaxing after Wade's brief time as the protagonist had passed. "So why don't you describe it for the readers' benefit?"

"You know, I thought being the protagonist of a visual novel would be fun, but it's not as great as it seems." Wade lamented as he munched on a chimichanga. "Seriously. I forgot the game had like forty bad ends."

"I didn't." Kirei smirked.

"Didn't feel like reminding me?"

"Nope. Ain't I a stinker?" Kirei chuckled. "So you didn't even complete a route?"

"Nope. Kept on dying because I didn't pick the 'right' choices. But really, even I'm not crazy enough to jump in front of Berserker to try and save one flat-chested, gender-bent version of a king." Wade complained. "Hercules is like a gray skinned version of Hulk."

"It really is a game that is designed for Shirou, not the player. Try and act out of character, and only tiger stamps await." Kirei said sagely. "So the experience was entirely unsatisfying for you?"

"It had its moments. It's not like dying over and over is anything new for me, but being the protagonist of a visual novel is really hard." Wade sighed as he leaned back on the couch. "Overall, I'd say my experiences were something similar to Avenger's in Fate Hollow/Ataraxia…" Wade paused, watching as Kirei began to drink from his jug of mountain dew before continuing. "...Only I didn't get to bang your daughter near the end."

Kirei choked on his soda and some of it came out of his nose. The man coughed a few times before glaring at his companion.

"…You were waiting for the dew, weren't you?"

"Yep. Ain't I a stinker?" Wade grinned. He swallowed the last of his chimichanga and gave his empty hands a mournful look. "I should've gone with my first wish…"

"Don't feel so bad. In fact, I think I know of a way to cheer you up." Kirei said as he stood up.

"Really? What's that?" Wade asked curiously.

"This."

Kirei whirled around and swiftly decapitated Wade with the Black Key he had drawn from out from his robes, crushing the merc's skull under his boot when his head landed on the floor. He continued to stamp on the remains so Wade couldn't immediately regenerate.

X.X.X.X.X

"Ow! That was totally uncalled for." Wade pouted to himself as he sat up. "So what, does this earn me a secret tiger stamp or something?"

**"Not quite."**

Wade gasped and turned to see Death standing before him within the darkness. The skull that was her face seemed to smirk at him and drew the Wade close.

**"Given how quickly the priest is tearing your body apart and taking into account how fast you can regenerate, you should be here for about five minutes at least." **Death leaned in close and whispered to the merc. **"So tell me, Wade… can you make those five minutes count?"**

Wade grinned and pounced on the cosmic entity.

"Hell yes! Now this is a Dead End I can get behind!"

In the world of the living, Kirei smirked as he hack away at Wade's body with his swords.

"That's what she said." Kirei chuckled before he shook his head. "Only in fanfiction…"

**End Omake**

**Note-**** Yo! TIM here with another chapter of the Carnival, hot off the presses and betaed by none other that Kiiam, the author of _Want and Need_! He's helped me a lot with this little part of the carnival, especially with the Omake. Thanks dude! **

**Another thing that helped motivate me to complete this is the new Carnival Phantasm, the HibiChika Special! If you want to see the 'date the main heroine' route of Shiki and Shirou's 'genius' plan, go check it out immedietly!**

**Now then, remember to check my profile for my challenges and challenge takers. If you are interested in a challenge, PM me for me to know. **

**Also, remember to check out Fate:Zero Sense's TV Tropes page and add on whatever you deem appropriate to be on it.**

**And review! Reviews fuel my muse, so the more reviews the better. **

**See you, Space Cowboys! **


	7. Servant Tryouts

**I do not own the Fate series or any of the series' used here. **

"Alright, you all need to get your shit together." Naruto said bluntly as he looked at the three people in front of him. Cole and Lelouch looked as if they were annoyed with being there while Lupin just reclined on his chair and smoked a cigarette as he grinned. "Contrary to popular belief, this _is_ and actual restaurant and you are all ruining my business!"

"You hardly get any customers in the first place!" Cole argued as he pointed at Naruto. "It's not our fault they…!"

"Let me list _how_ your scaring them off." Naruto interrupted as he took out a slip of paper. "Noise complaints due to loud evil laughter…"

"It's required in order to appear intimidating!" Lelouch informed with a raised eyebrow. "I'm an anti-hero remember? I need something like that to appear at least a little bit villainous."

"The batteries of their electrical devices are being drained because _someone_ needed to cure his 24 hour hangover…" Naruto continued, throwing Cole an accusatory glance.

"Please, they can just recharge when they get back home." Cole dismissed with a wave of his hand. "It's not like I'm frying them."

"Missing wallets…" Naruto then glared at Lupin, who just blinked in surprise.

"They actually noticed?" Lupin questioned, making Naruto glare even harder.

"_AND_! All the sexual harassment…" Everyone then turned their heads to Lupin, who stared blankly at Naruto for a second before giving his response.

"…I'm not apologizing."

Naruto just glared at all the collective characters that were occupying his establishment, wondering why he even allowed them in in the first place, before looking at the 'screen' and saying. "It's starting…"

**_Carnival Frenzy_**

"Hey, Kirei."

"Yes?" A certain evil priest didn't even bother to turn his head to the person who had just addressed him. And really, why would he if his TV was currently showing a rather good porn movie?

The other person in the room was none other than Assassin, for once actually wearing his red and black combat suit and mask. "It looks like we are written by that other guy again. He even put me in my comic outfit because he's too lazy to describe my beautiful face properly."

At this Kirei actually diverted his attention from the TV. With a raised eyebrow he said: "Again? Is that why we are almost an entire year in the past where not a single Servant is around yet? Doesn't that guy have anything better to do, like writing his own stories?"

"Weeeeell, apparently this Omake is actually the result of some of the ideas that keep cluttering up his head. That, and he's currently too depressed to play Dark Souls again. So he decided to write us holding a Servant casting."

For a moment Kirei was silent. He then turned off the TV and rose from his rather comfortable couch. A _very_ disturbing grin spread across his face.

"I quite like the sound of that Assassin. This calls for… special measures."

"You mean the barrels of monkeys you keep behind the church?"

It came as no surprise that Kirei didn't even blink about the strangeness of that statement. "No. …well, maybe later. Now, let us use the off-screen time of the next scene break to prepare a studio and make some calls."

Assassin nodded and answered. "Don't forget to bring some – what, hey, stop, don't cut me o-!

**_A few hours later in Einzbern Castle:_**

"Stupid scene breaks, breaking my flow like that…" Assassin muttered to himself, quelling his anger a little by eating a chimichanga, his mask rolled up to reveal his mouth. The former Servant was sitting on a rather comfortable chair behind a large table. He couldn't see it from his position, but he nonetheless knew that on the other side a banner was hanging in front of the table with the words "FATE: STAY NIGHT - REWRITE SERVANT - TRYOUTS!" written on it.

To Assassin's right was Kirei, who was sitting in his chair reminiscent of the pose that was usually taken by a certain winner of the anti-dad award. He wasn't wearing orange sunglasses though.

"Do not fear, Assassin. You know that in the end even Sir Godot will allow you to do whatever you want, if only because he isn't really used to writing Fourth Wall breaking characters."

"… what is going on here?"

This new voice came from Kirei's right, where Saber was chained to her chair. The look on her face showed that she was quite confused how she had gotten there, and also wondered where "there" actually was (it seemed familiar). This became quite unimportant to her however when she saw who else was sitting at the table.

"ASSASSIN! YOUUUUUUU - !"

Her cry of outrage was interrupted by Kirei swiftly taping her mouth shut. "Yes Saber, we know you dislike Assassin here because he trolled you in 'Fate Zero Sense', but please cease your shouting. Well, at least for situations outside the bedroom."

Kirei removed the tape again, not quite gently of course, and allowed Saber to speak again. "Where am I? And why am I here?"

"That's easy, King of the Coconut! We needed another member for the tryout jury, so we chose you. As for how… well, A Wizard Did It. Oh yeah, by the way, Mordred is HOT in short shorts. I was surprised though that she was your daughter after all, I thought she was a man in the original source material…"

Saber concentrated on ignoring Assassin's mindless chatter. She feared that if she listened she might suffer an aneurysm. Thus she turned to Kirei instead, who was in her opinion at least a little better. "I repeat: where am I and why?"

For once Kirei actually complied with a straight answer. "We are at Einzbern Castle, the only place large enough for the tryouts that won't cost us anything as no one's there to charge us for it. And to clarify, we are having a casting for other Servants to fill the roles of the Fifth Holy Grail War you are from. You get to keep your position though, so don't worry about not banging a certain red-head."

Saber managed to ignore the last part by focusing on the more outrageous one. "… you mean you are inviting Heroic Spirits to apply for a chance to obtain the Holy Grail? How can you do this?"

"Because Shut Up. Let's get this little show started, I've got porn waiting for me at home. First group, Archer, come in."

The last part had been shouted with the help of a very familiar megaphone Saber vaguely recalled seeing before. But when the large doors of the castle opened and six people walked in, she opted to study them instead. If Kirei's words were true and all of them were Heroic Spirits she would have to get as much information about them as possible.

However, the moment she saw the Servant, she recognized him.

"Avenger?" Saber exclaimed. "Why are you here? I thought this was a chance for other Servants to be chosen!" The last part had been directed towards Kirei and Assassin, but the answer was given by the Servant who did indeed look a lot like the Servant Avenger Saber had met.

"Relax, honey." Avenger(?) said with a voice that sounded more like an invitation to bed than anything else. He also didn't have the tattered clothes or eye patch Saber had come to know. "I'm not an avenger, I'm a lover. And while I realize you are not the Saber I met before, how about the two of us meet later for… dinner?"

Saber wondered if this Servant possessed some kind of Mystic Eyes – the way his eyes kept sparkling couldn't be natural. But dinner DID sound nice…

"Before our little king/queen here decides to dry hump one of her lover's future alternates, how about you introduce yourself?" Assassin had by now finished his lunch and idly polished his doorknobs, his feet on the table. "You know, so the readers can see who you are."

"But with pleasure." The not-Avenger replied, his eyes never leaving Saber. "I am EMIYA, the hero who saved hundreds of thousands of damsels in distress. However, the more women I saved, the more I realized that there would always be others I couldn't save."

Despite the rather frivolous nature of the Servant, when she heard about his inability to save people, Saber felt a small amount of pity. "EMIYA, as noble as your goal was, you couldn't possibly be everywhere at once."

Now EMIYA's expression turned from "sad and sexy" to honest confusion. "What? No, I did manage that part. The problem was that despite my incredible manliness, some of the saved girls were… more interested in my female companionship."

"Sweet!" This dual exclamation came from Kirei and Assassin, who underlined their shout with a brofist.

Saber meanwhile looked at the Servant with an incredulous expression. "You're telling me you want the Holy Grail to make every woman heterosexual so you can seduce them? What kind of hero are you?!"

"An **E**xtremely **M**anly **I**ndividual of **Y**outhful **A**ttraction, EMIYA for short." The Servant answered proudly while giving Saber a thumbs-up.

For a while, Saber remained quiet. After a while she somehow managed to get a "… next one please" out of her mouth, her form slumping and only held up by the chains.

While the trio of judges were waiting for the next Servant, Assassin was busy looking at EMIYA's status sheet.

"Did you know the guy leveled up his Clairvoyance skill so he could see through clothes? That's some serious dedication, he has my vote."

Saber's answer was an indefinable growl while Kirei merely sipped on some alcoholic beverage he had gotten in the short off-screen moment. "Keep in mind my friend, there are still at least two other Archers, who knows what other wonders await? Oh well, send in the next one! Lancer this time!"

The one who heeded the call this time was a young man clad in purple robes, a Buddhist priest staff in his right hand. All in all Saber got the impression of a serious young man who was devoted to his religion. She could respect that.

But what she could not respect was how the man seemed to almost teleport behind her to caress her butt with his right hand. As Saber was still chained up she tried to bite him in the offending arm, but the young man was quick to withdraw it.

"My apologies," the priest began, not looking apologetic at all. "But your natural beauty made me forget myself for a moment."

Saber narrowed her eyes at the man. There was no way he –

"That being said," the monk continued, suddenly in front of Saber again and holding her chained hands. "Will you bear my child?"

"NEXT!"

"You know Saber," Kirei said after the Servant Lancer had left the room. "You can't just call for the next Servant because you don't like their personality – this Lancer was quite an accomplished warrior with lots of skills against evil spirits, he would have been quite a help later on in the story."

"Yeah, and we know you totally want to be a mother – at least according to some of my doujinshi." The comment made by Assassin was underlined by the many Japanese comic books he had gathered on his part of the table. Naturally, most of them appeared to be adult rated, making Saber's blood boil once again.

'Once I get free of those chains I will slaughter those two. And I will ENJOY it.'

"Send in the fresh meat! Next up, Rider!" Assassin shouted, his eyes not leaving the pages of one of his comics.

The next one to enter was not a young man for once, and due to her recent experiences with them Saber's hope went up a little. The Servant qualifying as Rider was an old man with a bald head, sunglasses and white beard. While he didn't look particularly intimidating with his Hawaii-shirt, shorts and sandals (not to mention the strange turtle shell on his back) Saber was not one to judge by appearances alone.

The old man let his gaze wander through the hall before he focused on the jury, a disappointed look on his face.

"Hey, I was promised lots of well-endowed young women who would give me lots of paff-paff. Where are they?"

Saber's eye twitched.

Once the dust settled, Kirei looked mildly impressed at Saber.

"I had no idea you could materialize the effect of Exacalibur just with your eyes, Saber. Unfortunately our Rider candidate didn't know either, so I fear he's out of question for the next war…"

Assassin, who was busy wiping the dust from his precious adult rated comics, agreed. "Yeah, real shame. The old guy is practically a legend, one of the first to play the "pervy old man" role. He will be missed." With a sniff Assassin wiped away a tear. Through his suit. Somehow.

By now Saber's whole body had developed a twitch that could have been used to shake drinks in a bar, but somehow she managed not to cry in outrage – for now.

"How much longer must I put up with this until you're satisfied?"

Kirei would have patted her on the shoulder, but being insane didn't mean being stupid. She would probably bite his hand off if he tried. "Do not worry, only three remain for now. Of this category, that is. Caster, come in!"

The door exploded from its hinges as a giant of a man stepped through. He had dark skin and long blond hair that was kept out of his face by a red bandana. His entire body seemed to consist solely of ripped muscles.

"Greetings! Jack Rakan reporting in! And what's this?"

He was gone in a flash, and Saber only noticed a short draft before the man called Jack walked past her from behind the table."

"Hmm, a really rare treasure this one." Caster-to-be said with a satisfied smile.

At first Saber was confused. Then she saw what he was holding in his hands. She snapped. Again.

"FUS-RO-DAH!"

At that saying, a massive wave of energy emanated from Saber's mouth and barreled towards the man known as 'Caster'. It his the man like a sledgehammer, and launched him out of the castle through the wall behind him.

Unknown to either of them, behind that specific wall was one Kayneth Archibald. The man had hoped to spy on the Einzberns and gain an advantage over them.

Unfortunately, he did not see the wall collapsing being a potential safety hazard.

As the body of 'Caster' crashed through the wall, a brick flew towards Kayneth's head. The man didn't even have time to cry out as the brick smashed into his temple, making him flop onto the ground. As blood pooled under him from the wound and darkness clouded his vision, he heard Kirei and Assassin's voices.

"Kayneth just died!"

"Who the fuck cares?"

**_Two Hours Later:_**

"You know," Assassin began. "If this goes on Saber will eventually become a character just as broken as the one she just sent flying. I know she can be considered a "Dragonborn", but come on!"

"Agreed." Kirei nodded. "At least we managed to calm her down again – somewhat. Make sure to keep the picture of her boy-toy on the table though."

By now the chains around Saber had been doubled and her mouth was once again covered by duct-tape. To further placate her, a large picture of Shirou was on the table right in front of her, which seemed to somehow pacify her.

"Let's get this over with, I can feel the other guy losing his motivation again… Assassin and Berserker, come in!"

Kirei's words had been quite unnecessary as the last two Servants were in the middle of an argument and didn't even pay attention as they walked through the broken doors.

"I keep telling you, flat is the truth! The world NEEDS little sisters!"

"And I keep telling you that they are absolutely NEEDLESS unless they mature in big-breasted women!"

"You wanna repeat that you old fart of a trashy porn writer?!"

"I want to repeatedly punch your face you lolicon!"

Thus the argument degenerated into an old fashioned brawl. For the readers sake it should be pointed out that Assassin was the "trashy porn author" with the long white hair in a low ponytail and the large scroll across his back while Berserker was a tall muscular man with sky blue hair and wearing a black overcoat.

As the battle continued, both Kirei and Assassin-Prime kept staring at the two.

"You know, without Arti exploding and sending them flying this kind of loses its entertainment factor." Assassin-Prime eventually said.

Kirei sighed. "I'm afraid you're correct. Oh well. Unleash the hounds of war and all that."

With that Kirei removed the picture from Saber's gaze and loosened her chains.

At least the bloodbath was kind of entertaining.

**_After the Castle was clean again:_**

"Why, why did you pick being a PERVERT of all things as a defining characteristic for the Heroic Spirits?" Saber asked. Her right eye was still twitching, despite the horrendous bodily harm she had inflicted on the last two Servants. It hadn't helped that Berserker had called her flatness a gift from the Heavens.

Assassin merely pulled a large sheet of paper out from behind his bag. The word HERO was written on it in big letters. He then proceeded to rip the paper into two. In his right hand was now only the H while his left hand held the paper with the letters ERO.

"As you can see, a hero is essentially made up by H, also known as 'Ecchi', and ERO, the short form of 'erotic'. So a lot of heroes being utter perverts is sound logic, isn't it?"

"Indeed." Kirei agreed. "You even have it on paper, so it MUST be true. And Saber, please stop breaking the table with your head, it's only loaned and I'll have to pay for it if you damage it."

Somehow this only made Saber bang her head harder.

"But do not despair, Saber. The next selection of Servants should be more to your liking." Kirei continued. "In fact, they are so focused on battle they have little else on their mind!"

The priest's declaration was cut off by a sudden and very loud noise.

"_Fбg an Bealach _Bitches!"

Saber wasn't quite sure what she was seeing. It appeared to be a battle, but at the same time it looked like one large being consisting of six smaller beings. Either that or it was the world's most demented – and bloodiest – dance choreography. The "battle" moved through the still not repaired door and passed the table.

This is what Saber saw:

A guy in a skin-tight blue bodysuit tried stabbing a white haired man with a red trench coat and two revolvers, the guns being black and white respectively. The red-clad man fired his guns at (presumably) Lancer and the other at what appeared to be a harlequin with orange hair. The bullets were dodged by Lancer and somehow caught in midair by the harlequin, who fired the caught bullets as if he had rubber between his hands. The stray bullets were evaporated by a beam of light a young man with a cocky grin had shot from his fingers, the beam heading straight towards a man in a tattered blue _gi_. The same man, whose hair was a fiery red and oozed murderous intent, battered the attack aside, coincidentally hitting Lancer in the back. The fist fighter was then attacked by a manically laughing man in a black kimono wearing bells in his hair, his sword old and battered. He seemed to be having the time of his life.

The battle choreography continued, leaving only a slightly smoking Lancer in blue behind, who was beginning to get up again.

"Fuckers, hitting me in the back like that… Hey, where did everybody go? Wait for me damn it!"

"We can't have that, doggy-boy!" Assassin exclaimed as he threw one of Saber's old chains at the Lancer, catching him around the neck like it was the world's strongest dog leash. The blue haired Servant choked a little and fell on his back. "The Hell man?!"

"Now, now Lancer," Kirei said calmly as he walked next to the Servant. "We can't have you leave yet, you are needed for the next chapter of this glorified omake."

"Kotomine?! How the fuck are you alive? And – is that a Mickey Mouse hat on your head?" The Servant's tirade was stopped in its tracks by this bizarre picture.

"Don't ask me. I wish he was dead. Him and Assassin. Their continued existence is an endless torment for me." Saber muttered weakly, her head still buried in the now dented table.

"Saber? What the hell are you doing here?" Lancer asked in genuine confusion, ignoring the third person (who was busy doing whatever Assassin does when he has free time and no screen time).

Saber raised her head and looked at Lancer with bloodshot eyes. "Do I know you? No, can't be, you're too sane for that…" With that she put her head in the table dent again.

"… okay, this is starting to freak me out. Why does Saber not recognize me, and what the fuck is going on here?"

He was patted on the shoulder by Kirei, and actually too confused to do something against it.

"Now now Lancer, everything will be explained in time. I just hope you bring a box of extra-strength condoms for the next time you show up, because when Bazette finds you..."

"What? Next time? And Bazette? What the fu-?"

"Moving on!

The rest, as they say, is history.

**To Be Continued…**

**Omake-**** Seihai-kun! **

"WWAAAAHHH!" Sakura yelled as she ran into Seihai-kun's room and cried at its feet. "SEIHAI-KUN!"

"What's wrong Sakura-chan?" Seihai-kun asked as its purple-colored corrupted contents poured out of its 'mouth'.

"Luvia and Saber are getting more romantic moments than me!" Sakura cried out while waving his arms around. "They even got a threesome with Senpai! It's not fair! I'm the one who loved Sempai first!" Sakura then sobbed into her hands as Seihai-kun looked on.

"Mou, you're so pathetic Sakura-chan…" Seihai-kun chided before dropping a kitchen knife onto the floor.

**_True Love Creation Kit! _**

"….huh?" Sakura asked in confusion as Seihai-kun leaned down towards her.

"Just kill them both to make Shirou all yours..." Seihai-kun whispered to Sakura, who just continued to look at the knife in shock and horror.

**Note-**** Wow, two updates in one day huh? First Stay Away and now Carnival Frenzy. But as Deadpool stated, I'm not the maker of this chapter. Sir Godot is the one you guys have to thank. I just made the introduction and the Seihai-kun omake.**

**Here a list of all the people appearing in this chapter. Who recognized all of them with what little description that was provided in case of the Blood Knights, kudos to you!**

**Blood Knights:**

**Archer: Dante (Devil May Cry)**

**Lancer: Lancer (Fate/Stay Night)**

**Rider: Yusuke (Yu Yu Hakusho)**

**Caster: Hisoka (Hunter X Hunter)**

**Assassin: Akuma (Street Fighter)**

**Berserker: Kenpachi (Bleach)**

**Perverts:**

**Archer: EMIYA (Fate/Stay Night)**

**Lancer: Miroku (Inu Yasha)**

**Rider: Muten Roshi (Dragon Ball)**

**Caster: Shunsui (Bleach)**

**Assassin: Jiraiya (Naruto)**

**Berserker: Jack Rakan (Negima)**

**...Now then, remember to check my profile for my challenges and challenge takers. If you are interested in a challenge, PM me for me to know. **

**Also, remember to check out Fate:Zero Sense's TV Tropes page and add on whatever you deem appropriate to be on it.**

**And review! Reviews fuel my muse, so the more reviews the better. **

**See you, Space Cowboys! **


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